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Thursday, July 5, 2012

that day

that day when you feel like you are totally on the wrong end of roshambo.
hard as you try to pull some goodness out, your brain just turns its back - arms folded, nose in the air, "you can't make me" hmph
the tiredness creeps in
the pity list starts going
...and then your own words come out to do battle with all of the above.

Find the lovely.
Smile at the big picture.
Don't focus on all the little things going wrong, you'll miss the good stuff.

but
its the 5th of july.
and on this day there is something in me that goes on autopilot.
the tears are just below the surface.
irritability flies out of my mouth faster than I can comprehend its happening.
no matter how "fine" I think I am....it still catches me a bit off kilter.
8 years ago today.
my mom died.
the day plays back in my mind...all on its own, because I really have no desire to dwell on it


but here I am
feeling stressed, tearful and so, so tired of being the grown up.
the rock.
the stable, she'll take care of everything and us and it will all be okay because she makes it okay, person.
its not often that I don't embrace the reality of my role in life 
but today is one of those days.


my mother died on the 5th
was buried on the 9th 
my birthday is on the 10th
it was a week I will never forget.
the Lord kept me tucked tightly to His chest and I was intimately aware of how tightly He was carrying me though it.
but the evening of the 9th
when all was done and the people were gone
He gently set me down
where I stayed in a heap for 2 years


8 years later the impact of this week is less than it was.
it softens a little bit each year
but still surprises me with a strong aversion to 4th of July parties and big fireworks displays.

This year was looking to be calm and easy.  The impact was no where to be seen or felt.
Until yesterday morning when my father said he wasn't feeling well.
A trip to the ER revealed a bowel obstruction and a stay in the hospital until they deem it taken care of.
No telling how long he'll be there.  He's handling it like a trooper cracking bad jokes.
I have some serious anxiety about driving into downtown areas.
that is where the hospital is.
So this morning I wake up in a July 5th fog of funk to find that my shoulder has a knot the size of texas and as it turns out, if texas is in your shoulder it's hard to lift your arm or move your neck.

Perhaps there might be a touch of stress I'm experiencing.

So my head is a bundle of lists
things that need to be done
picking up his mail and the neighbors because they are out of town
watering his plants
cutting my daughters hair - which I was going to do yesterday, like so many other things.
my house is a mess (in my eyes)
I've not been able to teach her the things she wanted to learn this week
there are two loads of laundry that need rewashing because they were forgotten...and are now smelly
my garden needs attention

and the voice in my head starts to whisper
it's all on you though
you are in charge
you need to be the one to talk to the doctors
if any decisions need to be made, its all you lady
don't whine that you are the youngest or its not fair
life isn't fair, stop being selfish
there isn't anyone to stand in the gap, you can't check out 
you are securely on the hook
it's all on you.


And that knot gets a little tighter as texas gets a little heavier.

But when life kicks you square in the berries you need to stop, catch your breath, suck it up and move on.
This too will pass.  Texas will get lighter eventually....at least for a while.

The Lord knows my strength, it's His so I will trudge through this and figure it out as I go.  Probably begging Him to help me not throw up in traffic as I try to drive to the hospital.

Filtering through the fog, nestled there in my heart is His peace.  So if you see a smile on my face today, it is only that, shining through the muck.

Blessings for lighter loads, peace beyond understanding and His smile shining on and through you.
the Mrs.


I have no idea why these highlighted blocks keep appearing over certain sections.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I just want to hug you TIGHT! I will spend some extra time this afternoon lifting you up to our Saviour....may His peace rest on you today....praying fast recovery for your Dad, and that you would feel how very proud your Mom would be of you right now. Love you, girl!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you :) I appreciate that so much! Your prayers were heard, last night was lighter than during the day and dad is doing well. My shoulder on the other hand is actually worse. Dad told me that it was okay not to go to the hospital because my sister and niece were going. That was a relief.

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