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Monday, January 30, 2012

weigh in Monday 13 - still learning lessons

Like when someone else is tired and stressed, don't join them in onion ring heaven and join them in stress eating.  Perhaps when the family indulges in ice cream (single scoops all around...wait, dad got two scoops) you can have that treat too but DON'T EAT IT ALL IN ONE SITTING.   When you go out to eat and you know you are starving.....eat a banana first so you don't eat more than half of that personal pizza you know you are going to order...  It certainly isn't wise to not be counting points when you know that temptation is around.   

And above all.....don't do all that in a matter of 3 days right before weigh in!  Stupid mistakes.  Not just for my own sake but I could have been more supportive of my stressed out, over worked hubby and found a way to encourage him without enabling dinners of wings and onion rings and various other comfort food that was happening.   No, I'm not taking blame, he made his own choices.  But as partners in life and weight loss I could have been more encouraging of other choices for him at a time of weakness.  I could have had smaller portions of what I did eat and still enjoyed them.....maybe even more.

So, not surprisingly, I find myself at a +.8 this week.   In the long term I see I am SOOO painfully off target for achieving my long term goal by April 16.  I'm not even at the halfway mark yet and I should be past it.  

Dwelling on where I am not, doesn't help though does it?  Nope!  And that's why I don't.  I see where my mistake was.  I see where I precariously dangled off the wagon but I can still pull myself back up.  This week I need to apply what I learned from last weeks mistakes.  Mr is still going to be stressed and over worked...that isn't likely to change all of a sudden.  The Superbowl is this weekend and my Dude's birthday is the same day!  Celebration, temptation and nurturing my boys - I need to keep myself on track which doesn't mean not participating, but planning ahead.  

I did workout last week.  I didn't drink enough water.  I did well in my housework.  I didn't do well in my tracking.

This week:  
TRACK POINTS
Workouts
Water
PLAN

Blessings to you for a mindful and fruitful week!
the Mrs.



Friday, January 27, 2012

Think on these things....

Yesterday, as I struggled with the weight of the impending meeting, it was a battle to think of anything else.

The Word tells us "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer. 17:9)   Our emotions get the better of us all too often don't they?  We get wrapped up in the fear, pain, or even the joy of an experience and lose all sense of judgement and can't grasp of the reality of the big picture.

I found myself there yesterday.....as was obvious in my post.  Each time I tried to share with Him my fears and hesitations about it, my mind would wander off into rehearsing how I would come to my son's defense.   Time and again, I would have to come to a stop and realize how pointless the train of thought was.

Stop, turn around.


Start again, move forward and ask for peace.  Trust that He has this under control and His plan for my son is better than any dream I could come up with for him.


Breathe.  Focus.


As I got ready I pulled out my iPod and selected two songs.  Thy Word.  and Doxology.    I listened and soaked it in.


Then I moved to sit at the new place I've carved out in the house (a "command central for mom" I guess) I knew I needed to stop and refocus.  Be still.  I looked up at the wall and the neon green post it I put there months ago screamed at me.


Yes.  I hear You.  You're right.  I'm focusing on all the wrong things.


I sat with that a moment.  I grabbed my devotional "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon.  I opened it's broken and worn pages and read the entry for Morning.  "My Heavenly Father".  Sweet reminders in the words of how much He cares and how much more He desires for us.  I settled into that for a bit.  Then I reopened my Bible to where I'd left off the day before....1 John 2 "Christ Our Advocate" was the heading to that chapter.

I hear You.  Okay....I'll stop thinking and start talking.  Today I dropped the ball....or maybe more specifically.....I took it from Your more capable hands.   I'm no good on my own.....with You I can do anything.  I'm sorry.   Take it back.  I'm Yours.  He is Yours.  This, is Yours.


I left early to sit in the pickup line.  Jesus Culture in the CD player started up with the engine....I hear You.

Opening my book - Practicing His Presence - the next chapter meeting me where I needed "Recalling the wandering mind".   The first phrase: "Yours is not an unusual experience."    Further on: "If your mind sometimes wanders or withdraws from the Lord, do not be upset or disquieted.  Trouble and disquiet serve more to distract the mind further from God than to recollect it."

By the time I entered the meeting I was at peace.  When we left I remarked to my husband that it was the very first team meeting (in the 1.5 years our son has been at this school) that was more positive than negative. The very first time I heard genuine comments about how responsible he is, how confident he is....
True.   Honorable. Just.  Pure.  Lovely.  Commendable.  Any excellence...
....anything worthy of praise....

He took care of my heart.....cast away my doubt and fear and reminded me who is really in charge.  I praised Him on the way home.  Resting in His hand, joyfully.

This morning that post-it drew me in again.   Sharing with at least two people....His words not mine.....firmly replanting the reminder in my own mind as I did.  Warming my heart that they needed it as much as I did.  


Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.
~ Jeremiah 29:12-13

Blessings of deep, abiding love, drawing you nearer to Him, 
the Mrs.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Never fails....

School meeting days are like a magnet.  

The magnifying glass of irrational thought - otherwise known as PMS - never fails to show up to each and every meeting.

My stomach churns and my temper flares.......defenses go up high.

Little things that would ordinarily be small, appear bigger than they really are.

.....and there are always, curve-balls.  Always.  Never fails that something will come out of the blue that I would never have expected but on this day, it will be a big deal because I wasn't expecting it.  Not today.

At this point I should.   School meeting days are like my Friday the 13th.  

I felt peace yesterday.....calm before the storm I guess.  Today, not so much.  

I can't wait until this meeting is over.  I hope and pray that it is fast, painless and they don't talk much.

Blessings for better days,
the Mrs.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

its always the last place you look

Dude!  Not only did I get the list checked off, but I managed to make a pot of chili, a pan of chicken and put in a work out that has me groaning each time I try to stand up.  It was one heck of a Tuesday!  

Finally found my mojo!  

That thing seemed to fall off the planet toward the end of fall.  I couldn't get the motivation to move at the pace I wanted to.  My mind wouldn't think efficiently and I felt like I was sitting down on the job.  

My famous lists were ineffective, unfinished or missing in action.  Any zest for life was dull and waxy.....more about accomplishing the basics and making sure no one was miserable.   Perhaps I set a high standard....but so what.  Never do I expect perfection - from myself or others but I've always felt that the ability to improve is endless.   "When you know better, do better."  When I accomplish a new high, a new level of excellence in any particular task, skill or pursuit of knowledge the first thing I feel is "wow! I'm capable of more than I thought!" which is quickly followed by "if I can do this, then I can do better!"   Not because I require challenge.  Not because I am unsatisfied with my best.   But because complacency leads to laziness.   

Is it this way for everyone?  When I get too comfortable, too confident in something.....pride rears its ugly head.   When my pride rears it is not long before the auto pilot switch is flipped.   I become less aware of those around me.  I assume more and ask less.   I lean on my own understanding more than I lean on His leading.   The biggest problem with that is usually, no one calls me on it.   No one questions me or forces me to stop in my tracks and really look at where I am standing.   In brambles.   Off the path and "ahead" of the Lord.....trying to lead instead of follow.   I envision Him standing there, hands on His hips with this playful, knowing smile.....waiting to see the moment my expression changes as I have that light-bulb moment of awareness of where I am.... 

Almost with a chuckle, He acknowledges "Yep, you did it again.  Now turn around and come on back."  Hand outstretched, smiling at me, loving watching me learn how to course correct...pleased that I don't get quite as far away as I used to.

He doesn't have to come get me anymore.  I don't wander so far that I can't see how to get back.   Now He patiently waits for me to notice I've gone off track.  Always teaching me.  Always improving me.....refining me.

Fall found me in the brambles.  Confused, weary and feeling completely sucked dry of any goodness at all.  Honestly, at times just the thought of having contact with people made me recoil.  Already a solitary person, this drove me deeper into quiet solitude.   My regular weekday is naturally quiet and fairly void of people but when the weekend arrived, dread would slowly build as Sunday morning approached.  Once I got there I would hide as best I could, pretend I didn't see people.....hope they wouldn't see me and maybe, just maybe the Lord would block out the world and it would just be He and I in that pew.  .....He doesn't work like that though...    I still find myself hiding a bit.   Trying to shake off the label and maybe have an identity of my own.....maybe just maybe, at some point, feel a part of the place....at home.  Trying to have moments where I say Hi....first.    Too often I am unaware that "don't speak unless spoken to" is still ingrained in my behavior.....I am not that child anymore.....but usually I wait, for eye contact, for someone else to make the first move.....giving that silent permission.   Adults can speak freely.......but I also have a desire in my heart to listen more than I speak.....when I do speak I often speak too much.  Ah, the conundrum of two conflicting intentions!

For now I renew my conversation with Him.   I can feel more energy in those conversations with Him now. Before, when my mind and spirit were so tired I didn't know what to say......or what to share.   The more I talk with Him the more energy fills me.   The more efficient I become.   When my mind wanders He draws back my attention and with a quick apology for drifting off we enter back into conversation.   At this point my ability to focus on Him is growing but I still spend more time drifting than in focus.   Still.....there is a "riding a bike" kind of feeling....in moments of conversation over mindless tasks - when focus is easier - I remember the feeling of being able to be fully aware of Him, conversing with Him in the quiet of my mind, while having a conversation with others.  Memories like that spur me on.....and I talk about that with Him.

This week it seems something is different.   I have an energy and an active heart again.   He reminds me that He is my energy.  He is my sufficiency.   He is my Light, the love I give, the drive to serve and care for my family.  HE is my mojo.   Funny how when you lose it, you forget what it really is in the first place.   Makes it hard to find when you don't remember what it looks like.    

Today I focus on today.  I will talk with Him as I go about my business hopefully remembering to write things down as He brings them to mind (He so helps me to be more efficient) or ask Him to remind me...He's good at that too. :)  Tomorrow will take care of itself but I will be talking to Him a lot about the Dude's IEP meeting tomorrow.  Its time for speech review and any meeting with this group of teachers makes my guts churn.  I'll be asking Him to start preparing my heart and mind today....for tomorrow.  I'll be talking to Him about doing the same for the teachers and staff involved.  .....empty me of any trace of bitterness or resentment....fill me instead with grace and wisdom.   Make me soft when my human heart wants to harden for protection.

Blessings of His sweet embrace today, knowing that He bends down to listen to YOU, that He hears and answers your prayers.....no matter how big or small....with His infinitely perfect love.
the Mrs.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Productivity is up

I rather impressed myself yesterday.   Not only did I catch up on things but I managed to make decent headway on my regular monday list.   It was a long work day - which was needed - but it really felt good to be back on track even with spending a regular hour on the phone with dad as well as having a visitor for just over an hour.

I only managed to get on the treadmill for one episode (currently working my way through Battlestar Galactica, which we've already watched but offers an extensive list of episodes to work through).  Shoveling didn't get accomplished but inside duties were well taken care of.

Maybe I'll finally get into that productive groove again.   This is a good start at least!

I thought I'd share something that I have found to be really helpful.   I've mentioned green tea many times.  It is SO good for you and is excellent for both energy and weight loss.  BUT all of these things are greatly enhanced when 1) you brew it correctly and 2) you use loose leaf tea.   Bags of tea are convenient yes, but they are also more expensive (you are paying for the packaging) and low quality because you are just getting the dust and leftovers from the good stuff.   Loose leaf tea can be brewed multiple times, 2 ounces can be as little as four dollars and change which is 25 cups of tea.......BUT with multiple steepings could offer you as many as 50 or more!  You don't get that from a box!  Here's where I order mine: Teasource they have excellent information on their website too.

Getting to my point....great intentions to drink more green tea do not always result in the actual drinking of more green tea!  The time it takes to stop and steep (for no longer than 3 minutes with hot but not boiling water) causes distraction for me because I must actually stop.   I have over steeped tea SO often....yes even with a tea timer....then I've needed to toss it because over steeping turns it bitter.  Finally, I've found a way to get my green tea in that takes no time at all!


oh how I love a mason jar.   This is a quart mason jar, it holds 4 cups.  I fill up my tea strainer ( I love the fine mesh ones because you don't get any of the tiny bits escaping into your tea) with a blend of a few different green teas I have.  The largest portion is of Moroccan Mint - a lovely blend of green tea and spearmint - and I steep it a little longer just because of the quantity - 4 minutes usually - add sweetener while it's still hot if you like and then store it in the fridge.  Then you have quick iced green tea right at your fingertips! 

That has hugely helped me to get in more tea.  Granted I also take a green tea supplement because its way easier but there is something more to steeped tea.  The energy boost comes within minutes and all of a sudden I am filled with the urge to move and get things done.  I am always more productive when I get my tea in.

Today is grocery day so I'm off to run in the cold and snow.  Maybe I'll actually get that shoveling done!  ....Maybe..... lol

Blessings to you today in all that you do, may you choose to be joyful in every task doing it all for His glory!
the Mrs.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Weigh in Monday 12 - Taaadaaaaaa!

Today my WW Ap told me congratulations.   I finally hit an official 25 lbs lost! (26.4 to be exact, thank you very much)

That feels so awesome.  25 is such a nice round lovely number and seems oddly more impressive than 24.  Though I do like the sound of 26. :)

I will have to keep this short due to the fact that I am currently under an attack of laundry, dishes and snow.  Yes, finally, snow!   I realized how spoiled we've been this morning.   I drove the Dude to school and felt like I was giving him a ride in a hover-go-round....because I imagine that is exactly how it feels to glide around corners in one of those things.  I have a little car and in snow it may as well be a hover craft.  Slow going but I think that I will finally have to put our shovel to use!

Positive spin - shoveling = a workout.   Ah yes, silver lining and all.

So the scale wasn't quite as impressive as I'd hoped but -1.8 got me into a good spot and frankly each and every number of the 60's family is groovy baby.   A 1 6 5 (.8) is totally cool with me.

Awesomesauce to me aaaaaaand moving on to the next 2 lbs.   Forward focus!  Lookin back only causes a stumble.  

Time to fight the good fight, grab some green tea and slash through my to do list.  

Blessings for a feisty and energetic day!
the Mrs.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

sunday sweetness

Smile on my face all day.

The Lover and Creator of my soul reminded me personally that He doesn't just listen but He hears.  Not just my prayers for others but those uttered wishes for myself.  

The gift of worship, delivered precisely the way I needed.....asked.

A song, uttered beautifully, from the mouth of a wonderful friend.

Testimony.   Perfect assurance.  He is providing, working, and knitting together a community of people.....even if I can't personally see or feel it yet.   The ones who really need it...do.

The morning felt like a customized gift, just for me.   A sweet "I love you".

I relaxed into that.  Smile on my lips.  Tears in my eyes.  Full, warm heart.

It's been a great day.   Have I done anything particularly spectacular?  Not really.  But I worked my buns off just now.   Nearly an hour on the treadmill.  I don't run.  I don't go nearly as fast as others.  Generally I top out at 3.5 with my short chicken legs moving with as much rhythm as I can muster without tripping.  Then I moved to the wii.    Whoever says video games serve no good purpose have not met this machine.   I know there are many systems, many games.   I have not been introduced to them so I cannot speak to that but I can shout the praise of this.....this new and amazing thing.  I got it for Christmas.  Gold's Gym.  I sweat.  No, not that girly "glisten".  I'm talkin dripping, I need a towel, kind of sweat.  I got the boxing gloves to go with it....cuz basically that's all it is.  Boxing.

It's true.  When you find something that you connect with and enjoy - go for it!   Your workout will be so much more successful.  You will WANT to put more into it.   Right now......my arms feel like lead as I am trying to type this.  I had to stop in, share my beautiful morning......and tell you:
I am seriously excited about weigh in tomorrow.
Excited.
I think it's going to be a good one!  I can't wait to see how I did this week.
Also.  I wanted to share a post from a blogger that I find inspired and offers pictures of food that will make you lick the screen.   Food porn.  Plain and simple.  Its not all calorie laden, hip exploding, waist expanding  gloriousness but also heaps of veggies.....my favorite ones are roasted to beautiful perfection.   She has been on the journey to lose.  She lost 135 lbs and has the most healthy, well balanced view of food that I've ever encountered.  She writes beautifully and has been asked to write a book.  Today she answered a letter from a reader about how she handled slipping up on her diet.  Go read.  Be encouraged and comforted with reality.   This girl is wise beyond her years and the way she strings a sentence together is a thing of beauty.

See you tomorrow.  Sweet dreams and peaceful sleep.
Blessings of a beautiful, brand new tomorrow and all the hope it offers, 
the Mrs.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Contentment in chaos...comes with the simplest choice

Its snowing.  FINALLY.  Perhaps it wont be the great blizzard I hope for but it's been snowing steadily for several hours and that gives me joy.   There is something peaceful about it......the steady, quiet, falling of those flakes is soothing when I am restless. 

My mind is on so many different things.  IEP meetings at school and how much I greatly dislike them...how small and completely insufficient I feel when I am there.  The mystery symptoms of my Dude that have had him feeling crummy more often than well.   By God's grace we got into the allergist last night to try and find some help for him.  It seemed that all the staff thought humor would put him at ease and cracked jokes instead of explaining the what and why of their actions, tools and procedures....he needed that information more than their humor.   His tears of discomfort and lack of understanding put them off guard.  I understood it but had a moment where I wished his tears didn't come so easily.....and then felt badly that the thought came at all.  I've been defending his ability to show emotion without shame for as long as I can remember....and here it was me who felt that twinge because it was clear that at near 11 they expected him to be tougher...and it made me insecure for the moment.  

We left without much answer to why or what has been causing the issues.  I clung to the blessing of knowing that "no, it's not his sinuses" is still an answer.  Check that off the list of possibilities and narrow the field.  Next check, vision screening and wait for blood work.

I  find myself remembering when I was a kid, always sick...always.  My mother fought for me, always.  Mystery illness was no stranger to she and I.  Seems our bodies always liked to off the beaten path when something was to go wrong or a side effect to occur.  It had to be the rare one....the thing that they wouldn't look for first or even second, third or seventh.  I find myself wondering what I'm missing, wondering what she would suggest to do or where to go.   Is it simple?  Is it something I had and I'm not remembering?

Lists, papers and books surround me right now.  

What a mess surrounding that lovely mug of iced coffee.  I love that little thrift store find!

As I glanced through my blog roll this morning I stopped in to see what Rhonda at Down To Earth would offer for weekend reading (she already well into her beautiful Aussie weekend I'm sure).  Found some good reading and a beautiful nugget to view on a wonderful couple who have created a beautiful self-sustained life on their property.   There was a moment where he briefly showed a spot on a wall with an old poster that read: "Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road".  He said it changed his way of thinking.  

It made me smile.  It made my heart a bit lighter.  Reminded me that in each moment there is joy because He is near me.  I made that mug of iced coffee....probably taking more points than I should out of my 26 but this momma has so many goals set.....so many puzzles to figure out that are not the picture kind, so many desires to do and be more....hopes for our home, family....myself.   I gave myself permission to take the time (and points) to offer myself a treat and allow Him to calm the chaos as I ponder it out...He never fails to point out the obvious this way with me.  Never fails.

Today, I reminded myself of my priorities.  God, family (husband first, children second), home, self, everything else falls somewhere after that.  The request for a visit this morning was turned down with apologies.  No, today I need to restore our home.  Restore peace for myself in the midst of chaos so that I can be fully present, fully available, fully attentive to my family.   In the process I hope to work side by side with Him to guide my hands and my heart to create a place where He can take center stage and conduct the chaos into order so that I do not allow the minor distractions and to-do's to pull my mind away from Him.

At times in my life I have envied those who fall so easily into "quiet time" with Him.  It has never come easily for me, anything resembling "ritual" has always left an unpleasant taste for me.  My heart has always longed for any "quiet time" be no different from any other time of day.  Remember I said that I wanted to reread Practicing His Presence in the pick up line?  A passage I read the other day so beautifully stated how I feel, what I desire to strive for and affirmed my heart....

"I have never been able to regulate my devotion by certain methods, as some do.   All bodily mortification and other exercises are useless except as they serve to arrive at union with God by love.  I have well considered this and found that the shortest way to God is to go straight to Him by a continual exercise of love and doing all things for His sake."  ~Brother Lawrence  

Please don't misunderstand, I have enormous respect for those who are able to love this discipline.  I do not condemn it or think anything wrong of it. How could I?  Jesus Himself took time to go away and be quiet and alone.  There in-lies part of the struggle.  I know the good possibilities but for me it has been a struggle of obligation, of trying to check a box that somehow marks me as a "good Christian".  Success has come for a short time and then faded as the routine blended into something on a to-do list and led to my heart feeling guilty that I was not coming to Him out of love.  Never has it brought me the same level intimacy with Him that comes from discussing my heart, my life or someone elses while folding laundry, cleaning or going about my regular business.  

It never fails to amuse me how people talk of needing to come to Him or ask Him to join them.  Does God ever leave the room?  Does He ever wander off?  No.  If He is Omnipresent then even when we find ourselves wandering off track and into the brambles in the darkness....we only need to turn around because He is there.  Light and love, hand outstretched to lead us back to the straight and narrow.  Ah, but we smart beings need to make things more complicated than they really are.   We need to "search for Him".   Goodness....He said He would never leave us nor forsake us. (Paul quotes this in Hebrews 13:5, the Lord's words to Joshua in Joshua 1:5)   At the same point, I often let the enemy get the better of my logic and think that I will only achieve that intimacy by some process of discipline.   No, silly woman just turn around.  

The only "process" is the simplicity of choice in the moment.  He is always there, closer than the air I breathe...I merely have to acknowledge Him and intimacy begins.

Blessings of turning moments that bring forth His loving intimacy that both takes your breath away and puts His breath into your very bones, 
the Mrs.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

the slow reveal

Sunday, as we drove to church, I stared out the window of our quiet car, pondering.  We had missed the last 3 Sundays of church.  (Where most churches notice the rise in attendance for Christmas and Easter services, those are the services our family misses.  Not because we don't want to be there but the timing of family gatherings, the picking up of daughter from her mothers home...it always coincides with service times.  Each year we discuss "can we do it this year?" and each year we measure the weight of rush and hurry against the effect it has on our heart attitude.  Each year we realize that attending out of obligation or fear of being judged 'less than wonderful christians' is not what the Lord wants.  So, for the current season in life, these are the few services we miss in the year.  We have peace with it, knowing it won't be forever.)  Wondering if we'd been missed, wondering what we'd missed, wondering what the new sermon series would offer our family.....would it apply to our season in life?  Then, one of those sneaky thought bubbles popped and I realized that it had only been one week since I had been so sick.  I turned to my husband, saying in amazement "it was only one week ago that I felt like I was going to die...it seems so long ago!"   He responded with an acknowledgement that it had indeed, been a very long week.

It certainly wasn't the week I'd planned.  I was geared up for a week of nurturing our home, taking care of rooms and tasks that would dust off the neglect and chaos, renewing the peaceful, soft place to fall and refill at the end of the day.  I thought shopping for that "holiday work party outfit" would be easy.  Shopping has been transformed in the last few months from being an act of tearful torture to one that I find actually makes me smile....dare I say, actually boosts my confidence?  (Who wouldn't smile buying jeans in a size 13 instead of an 18?)  But this was so very different.  "Dressy clothes" hang differently, hug differently....are frustratingly evil.  OR maybe, just maybe, I've gotten to a point where things have gone all uneven again and things are disproportionate.  If it fits in the middle it will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, zip, button, clip, sinch, seal or be welded shut at the bust.  Which leaves things looking all kinds of not right.  I shopped.  Every day, I shopped.  Friday, the day of the party arrived and still I had nothing purchased.  "No Jeans" rattled through my head over and over and daily I sent my husband emails about how I hated those words.   I begged and threatened to rebel and wear jeans anyway.....I sighed big dramatic sighs and pouted.  He responded with humor and a firm assurance that I was going and I was not wearing jeans. Friday, the day of the party, brought about hours of shopping and only 3 skirts - I hadn't worn a skirt since before we were married....yes, the first skirts in over 13 years were brought into the house. Needless to say, the Mr was beside himself with joy that the gams would be shown off a bit.  It worked out in the end....thankfully between Mr and Wonderteen they helped me put something together that was both appropriate and comfortable.   I have no desire to shop for "dress clothes" again.

It was interesting though.  Something that was expected to be so simple and easy, brought me to tears for the first time in a long time.  Shopping had become easier, needing to try on several items to find the right size and fit has become expected and something I have patience for now.  Trying on lots of things that ultimately don't work has been normal.  But this?  This shot me back to a heavier self......one that couldn't shop for things I enjoyed but merely settled for things I didn't hate, things that fit or at least hid the worst parts of me.  Things that held no reflection of who I am but merely were the lesser of several evils.  I refuse to settle anymore.  Sure it's just clothes.....it's the surface....perhaps its shallow or prideful.  I acknowledge that but I also acknowledge that I am in pursuit of myself.  Slowly digging out who I am today.....saving myself from the fat girl who buried the real me deep within herself.  The juxtaposition of iron willed strength and weak-kneed insecurity.   Right now, the outside adorning helps the girl on the inside, slowly reveal herself again.

We are not totally different people but the qualities I know she possesses are ones that I miss.  Ones I know are there, just below the surface layers and pound by pound we reconnect with each other.  Embracing the good, the bad and the ugly in that hug that squeezes silent love into the other, that lingers longer than a greeting and lasts long after you let go.

The journey to lose is much more than a game of subtraction.  With each minus there is a plus - added health, added confidence and deeper still.....a meeting with self.  Inner battles wage war; temptations and desires against knowledge and will.   Mind against flesh.   They play out quietly, unseen by the outside world...the tally of wins and losses reported on a scale....like damage reports from the enemy.  It's not about beating the scale, it's just a tool helping us in the battle to win back who we are.   A person who no longer needs to be uncomfortable in her skin.  A person who can feel the freedom to not be aware of their body....the limitations....and feel free to just be.

Blessings of freedom and lingering hugs to you,
the Mrs.

Monday, January 16, 2012

weigh in monday 11 - getting back in the game

This morning I had no expectations.  I knew that after last week a loss would be tough.  Mentally I think I shifted my focus from 2 lbs to at the very least holding still.  The week offered way more than I expected in terms of distractions.  Shopping for that holiday outfit took up way too much time and brought me down in ways I didn't expect. (I'll leave that for tomorrow)

Many hours gone this week, I struggled to maintain just a bare minimum of what I desired to accomplish in the home.  Things got back into shape a bit, I managed to get back on the treadmill (it is AMAZING how our body takes steps back when we miss that regular activity!  I need to work to get back up to speed again.) and I also got into the new boxing game I got for Christmas. LOVE it by the way!

Anyway - this morning's weigh in was a +.2.   Not bad considering the week itself - regular eating times and routines were completely disrupted, didn't get water in the most consistent way - but I did drink lots of detox water in the beginning of the week and got in green tea too!  Will I make my end goal at this point? Probably not.  But I don't think I'll be too far off.  The fact that I can say I'm 167.6 is still a pretty big accomplishment for me.   So I'll hang on to that bit of goodness and run with it this week.

The rest of my goals....well....I won't even rehash that.  Shopping absolutely killed my time this week.  Every. Day.  Yes, it was frustrating and not too successful to say the least.

Time to plan for the week ahead and leave the past behind.  Dude and Mr are both home today, Dude is also home tomorrow.  A wonky week but doable as there isn't much on the calendar.

This week: water and working out.  These need to be consistent.  More fruit and more veg.....stop relying on sandwich flats and cheese no matter how yummy!


Blessings for smooth paths ahead and may no bump be too big to hurdle,
the Mrs.



Monday, January 9, 2012

weigh in Monday 10 - reclaiming the new year

After having my butt kicked for the first week of the year, I'm ready to kick back!  I'm feeling like today is the real start of my new year.  Last night it was like I could feel the breath getting put back into me.  I started slowly with lists, just gathering my thoughts for how to approach the coming week and how to edit this weeks drive to roll over into next week.  Motivation and energy started to build and eventually I'd checked nearly everything off a mini list of to-do's for last night.  Things were ready to get started for this morning - nothing was in perfect order, there are still piles of dishes to be done but what I needed was available and ready to start a regular Monday morning.

It felt so good to be in the kitchen preparing breakfast and lunch for my husband again.  Seeing him come up the stairs from his shower, smiling and ready to attack his day, made me feel grateful to be feeling well again.  Not 100% but getting closer.  My belly is a bit pooched and sore from the last week but weigh in this morning  surprised me and gave me just the boost I needed to kick things off!

I wasn't expecting much.  I knew that due to losing over 3lbs from illness meant that my body was going to cling to every calorie that was put back into it.  My expectation was that I'd end up breaking even or maybe with a small loss of less than 1lb.   This morning I was greeted with a -3.4!  Now granted I didn't do a whole lot of anything good to achieve that but I'll take it!  Feels like a bit of a gift after the way the week went. I will need to be careful this week because my body will still be regulating itself and recovering.  Next week will probably be smaller but once again - leave this week behind and look forward to the next goal.  The next 2 lbs.

Goals for the week:
Devo: Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon daily + Practicing His Presence by Brother Lawrence and Frank Laubach while waiting in the pickup line at school.
Home: Decorations down and get the house in basic functioning (and clean) order.
Diet: Daily detox water, small cup of coffee in the morning vs big mug, careful tracking and bumping up the fruit.
Fitness: work out daily- incorporate some Pilates for a few minutes each day plus treadmill or boxing (both are good but one or the other is fine this week...don't over do it!).
*Find an outfit for the holiday party!!  

Proof I'm feeling better.

I always have something on my feet but when I have a sneaker on....there is an extra pep in my step, I move a bit faster....frankly I just move more and feel more productive.   Thus, I am more productive.

Blessings to you for joyous energy in your pursuits!
the Mrs.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

2012 can only get better right?

Its been one heck of a week.  Whatever hit my gut last week did a real number on my body and the recovery has felt like a roller coaster.   Each time I thought that I was clearly feeling better it wasn't long before I would get hit right back down.   Today is as consistent I've felt in a week.  No where near 100% but I do feel that at the very least I can function and get a few things done without needing to lay down.  THAT feels good!

Today one of my missions was to get some thoughts organised for the coming week.  I've got two goals for our home - 1) get the house in order - working order, 2) take down the decorations.  This will be my work filter.  No veering off to deep clean a room or reorganize anything.   This week is all about the basics.  Getting into a routine, clearing up clutter and all matter of things that have gone by the way side while mom has been sick.   Mr and the Dude have done an amazing job of taking care of both the house and me.  I am so grateful that they respect what I do and try so hard to not let things pile up!  The help has been wonderful!  But as we all know, when someone else is taking care of our work space things can get shifted around and put back not quite how we would do it and it takes some readjusting to get our space back to where we can work efficiently.  I decided I would need to set a couple of goals to keep me on track as well as to keep me from over doing it.

In other news, it was middle school instrument night this week.  I can't believe the Dude will be in middle school.....baffles my mind how that tiny boy has grown so fast!  So he's wanted to play the violin for a few years now and we just haven't gotten there.  Now he had his first real opportunity to play a host of instruments and see what he thought.  There were teachers and instructors there to show the kids just what to do - how to hold their hands, play notes, etc.  There was a string room, a brass room and a wind room.  SO many instruments!!!   He fell in love with the bass.....we were so surprised!!!  It's SO BIG!  It was a near tie with the violin and the instructor said he was very natural with them both and quickly figured out how to play "hot cross buns" and how many fingers you used to hold the strings down depending on which instrument you used.   It was such fun to see him with these instruments!  He doesn't have to make a final decision until late summer when they will do this again for the kids but he is SO excited!

Last night, Mr was out at a function and Dude brings me a ziplock bag with the most recent lost tooth in it.....ehem......he lost it over a week ago....   Our tooth fairy is fairly delinquent....forgetful and unobservant.  So he dangles this baggie and I stumble for some sort of excuse about how his dresser was so messy "maybe she couldn't find it" and he just smiles and says "Mom, you know I don't believe in the tooth fairy right?  I mean you keep telling me that if it's not mentioned in the Bible that I shouldn't believe it and I don't think God mentioned fairies in the Bible......He also didn't talk about bunnies who sneak into your house to leave candy either......"   My jaw dropped and I cracked up!!   Not one indicator previous to this moment that he'd stopped believing in either!  So he was still dangling this tooth in the air and I said "Well what a relief!  You know parents do this for their kids because their parents did it for them and wonder of it all is so fun when you are little.   ......so, why are you still dangling this tooth in my face?  What do you want me to do with it now?"  D: "uh.....pay me for it, like all the others?" he says with a smirk.   I laughed SO hard!!!!  After he said goodnight, as he went back into his room, he yells over his shoulder "Santa was a man and I still believe in him!!!!"   Kid cracks me up.

I'll be on sometime in the morning to post on weigh in.  I'm very curious to see what happens, food has been a major battle this week with everything that has gone on.  I'm trying to drink lots of water today and flush out all the crud.   I've got my pitcher of detox water made and ready for tomorrow and plan to drink that all this week.  Mr has a holiday party for work on Friday so I need to find something to wear and get myself in shape for that.   Can't wear jeans and that is all I own!!!   Gee.....guess I need to do some shopping...oh, darn.

Blessings to you for health and wellness and a wonderfully positive perspective on the coming week!!
the Mrs.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I fought the good fight...

.....you should see the other guy....he's lookin way better than me.

After my last post (is it really Thursday???) I ended up snuggling with the toilet as I was overcome by some sort of stomach bug.  I have a fairly high tolerance for pain but when it comes to vomiting.....I go from strong woman to whimpering 5 year old girl who wants her mommy, in no time flat.   Fortunately my hero came home from work (on his first day back no less) so he could pick up the Dude from school and take care of me, he also stayed home yesterday.   Which was good because I was in no shape to take care of anything.   He made sure that I had food and stayed hydrated.....he even held the glass and straw for me to drink.

Today I feel as though I went a few rounds with a prize fighter.  Did you know that if you lay across a toilet seat that the length stretches from forehead to sternum?  I do now....and have bruises in both locations, don't make me laugh because it hurts.  Kidneys and joints are sore, oh I am a pretty, pretty picture!   On the positive side....the holiday weight is gone. I'm actually down -3, to my lowest WW weight......I'm doubting it will stay off buuuut food doesn't exactly appeal right now so perhaps that was good timing.

Mr did say I was looking skinny yesterday.....(don't laugh...ow).


Blunt force trauma to the head and chest inflicted by digestive pyrotechnics....that's how I roll people.  Wonder how many activity points that's worth....

Today I am grateful that it is over.   Discomfort is SO much easier to handle.  I'm going to park myself on the couch for a while and hope that some Advil kicks in and try to get the house into a shape resembling normal.

I hope that the first week of the year has started out with a more positive bang for you, or at least an entirely different kind than mine.   I can't believe the week is nearly over already...

Blessings of laughter and health to you and yours,
the Mrs.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

a tuesday weigh in

I'm still not feeling well, so this will be quick and to the point.   I have that "I feel like I could puke but I know I'm not going to but now I kinda wish I would so this feeling would go away" kinda feeling.

I was up 1.8 this morning.   Not a great feeling but it could have been worse.

There is all kinds of things I'd like to post right now....encouraging words about how God is always there in His fullness and it is US, not Him, who needs to show up with the fullness of our faith.......goals and such for the year, thoughts on the year past.....the lovely quiet that has fallen over the house and how I JUST noticed it and now realize I have missed that beautiful silence....projects and randoms.

For now, I'll leave that as a blurb for you to contemplate deeply or simply breeze past on your way to whatever your day has for you next.

Blessings for BIG faith in the BIG God who loves you with total and COMPLETE abandon,
the Mrs.

Monday, January 2, 2012

weigh in monday will be brought to you on tuesday......

because I got a cold and I woke up feeling crummy so I went back to sleep and since I am very strict with the scale about what time I weigh in - because if I'm not strict it plays Jedi mind tricks on me - so I will weigh in tomorrow at the appropriate time.

I'm fairly certain that I did not lose an ounce, perhaps gained a few....ounces.....more, but I think surviving the two weeks of Christmas and New Years without gaining POUNDS and managing to hold ground is not so bad. Especially considering I didn't get on the treadmill once and I haven't counted any points at all in that time either.

I'll try not to break my arm whilst patting myself on the back for the excuses that poorly mask the denial that I did not make any efforts toward the rather hefty goal I set for Christmas.

In other Christmas news......it was a great week here!  It was a wonderful week of family.  Both kids in the house always create lots of laughs.  We watched movies, went to movies, ate out and did some AWESOME shopping.   There is an outlet mall near us and if outlet prices are low, the post Christmas outlet prices are insanely low.  It was so much fun to take our gift cards and gifted money to the register only to find the total was much lower than we added up ourselves!  We had lots of bags and came home tired but excited.  A bonus was that I found I was fitting into size 12 jeans in some stores!  I purchased my first two pairs of skinny jeans to wear with my new boots I got for Christmas!  I didn't think they would be as comfortable as they are but I love them!  I've always been teased for having "chicken legs".  When thin, they are certainly an asset but during the round years....well, chicken legs was more truth than anything because round in the middle, ample bosom a top little stick legs.....yep, I certainly fit the descriptor.   Now, they are merging back into an asset and clothes look less awkward and unbalanced if jeans are more fitted than baggy.

FUN moment for me...not sure how the teen felt about it but....I'd been doing loads and loads of laundry and trying to sort out what went to who due to all the new items; she came up from her shower and as she walked past I asked her if the jeans she was wearing were hers.  Confused, she said yes and that she didn't put her new things into the laundry because she loves the "new clothes feel" fresh from the store.  After some comparing, we realized that we both purchased the exact same pair of jeans, from the same store, in the SAME SIZE.   This was a glorious moment for me and I don't think that she was mortified - which was nice.    Though once I keep losing I'm not sure how she will feel.....granted she is at least 6 inches taller than I so the same size on her looks WAY better and she will get all kinds of clothes from me so.....I'm thinking she may not be too upset.

New shoes, fancy tall boots, new jeans, tops and even a button down shirt - which I haven't owned or desired to wear in at least 10 years - all fill my closet now.  I love that my wardrobe has expanded a bit, options are good.   And THAT, right there is the word that sums it up the most.  Losing weight has opened up more options for me.   Shopping has actually become fun again for the first time in more than a decade because I have options.  Shoes that aren't funky tennis shoes are now an option because I have clothes to go with them.  Tops that don't have the sole purpose of hiding me, are now an option.  Belts as an accessory, are now an option.

I was in DSW with Mr.  We were going up and down the same isles dozens of times and he asked me why we were passing the same shoes over and over again.  Did I think somehow they would morph into something else or there would suddenly be a whole other shoe there that wasn't there before?   This is something I find myself doing with everything wearable these days.  I have to look at it several times....because I'm discovering my style, my options, my new viewpoint and perspective.   In the past certain items were looked at and admired but because they weren't a real option I didn't have to think about whether they would actually look good on me or if they fit my personality.....if there was any reason that I would actually wear it.  Now I find myself in the place where I do need to think about that.   Will I actually wear it and when, to what and how often?   The "price per use" factor is what Mr called it and that is exactly what I am considering.   Wasteful accumulation of clothing for the simple purpose of accumulating "stuff" is not where I want to go.  I'm trying not to allow myself to get too crazy......I mean I have YEARS of shopping to make up for!  BUT, I will not.

So Pinterest and Polyvore feed my shopping lust by helping me build a wardrobe on line and figure out what "goes" together.   I'm creating a plan and it's helping me curb my shopping.  This is good.

I'll be back tomorrow with a real weigh in post.   Today I'm just feelin yucky and crudded up, I've got some prep for tomorrow to tackle and I'm still nursing sore arms.  I've gotta change out my purse....my shoulder just refuses to handle it.


the Mrs.