The redundant invitation.

When will Christians stop with the redundant invitation?
When will there be an awareness of how arrogant it is?
Would you consider going to your neighbors house, greeting them as you enter and then proceed to invite them to join you?
Well, that would be rude, wouldn't it?

Why is the same invitation made at church every Sunday?

"Father, we invite you to join us here today."  ....in Your house....that You gave us....on the planet You created.....and told us many times over how You are always with us.....Omnipresent God that You are....yeah, never mind....um.....ahem...can I join You?

God has no need for our arrogant invitations.  He's been waiting for our RSVP.

Christianise is a messed up language.  Its full of misdirecting phrases and stuff man made up.  What bothers me the most is that these phrases plant seeds in the minds of people....seeds of a false image of God.  I don't believe they are intended.....I think they are little phrases spoken ages ago that just somehow became accepted without being questioned.

Like the woman who cut off the ends of her pot roast.  (Tell me you haven't heard this story somewhere before....) Her daughter asks her mom why she cuts the ends off her pot roast....it seems a waste of meat.  The mom says "My mother always did it....so I do too."  The daughter asks why grandma did it.  The mom can't come up with an answer so she calls to ask and the answer is surprising.   "Well, my oven and my pan were small so I cut the ends off so it would fit."  

How often do we just accept things as truth, as necessary, without examination?

Where on earth did this theory come from that says we should invite God into our presence?  Why do people not see the arrogance of that?

I'll add another phrase "Give us more of you God....Send more of your Holy Spirit."

That one makes me bite my lip to keep from uttering "Do you really think God phones it in?  Is He really just kinda half-assing His presence right now?"

"God showed up."  Another face palm moment.  

God is all knowing, all powerful and fully present....everywhere, every time and at the same time.  God does not give of Himself in partiality.  He doesn't say "Well you folks don't raise your hands enough so I'm not going to bother hanging out too long."   No.  He only gives with the fullness of Himself.

WE, the ignorant, arrogant people of this planet are the ones who need to give of ourselves.  WE need to accept HIS invitation.  WE need to SHOW UP.  He is already there....has been since before time began.  This is His creation and we cannot, do not have the ability to stop Him from being right there with us...we are breathing His very breath.

When I hear people use these phrases I hear a message being taught....seeds being planted....that God has limitations.  That God is a God who can be blocked, that He is small enough that He needs our meager invitation.  That He is a God who chooses where to be present and how present to be....a God that is contrary to the God of grace.

It is we who show up in body but not in mind or heart.  Which is exactly what He asks for.

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

Matthew 22:37 

When will we stop asking Him to do all the work and take responsibility for our part? He showed up before we did and He's waiting for us to show up.  God is fully present here in every molecule in and around us, waiting for us to be fully present and aware of Him.  God has no need for our invitation, He wants our RSVP.

Say yes.

Blessings for new awareness of the fullness of His presence, the expanse of His power and love and grace and for the courage to jump in with both feet.....because you know that He will catch you.  He never misses.

the Mrs.

Who do you think you are?

I think everyone has that moment when they utter the words "who am I?"  Its a question that bubbles up from the depths of a soul.

When something is cracked and broken.

We are a culture that looks outside of ourselves to find our identity.  We seek labels and neat packaging with clear indicators of the contents.  We ask people who we are, who they think we are.  We eagerly wait for responses and for some reason.....we believe them.

It's taken as truth, generally unquestioned.  Until we have taken in so much conflicting "truth" that the labels and layers of packaging are so thick we really aren't sure of the contents anymore.

Then suddenly....something deep inside those layers cracks under the pressure and out bubbles "Who. Am. I.?"

When people tell us who they think that we are...shouldn't it be taken as a comment instead of a fact? ...something to be weighed and measured for truth, dismissed when false and simply taken as affirmation of what is already known if true.  But perhaps it simply says "In this moment, this is what I see in you."   And that in general often says more about the person delivering the comment.  They are telling you what you are to them, maybe what they see in you that is in themselves - whether they like it or not.

There are times where something ugly sprouts unnoticed.  We are always growing.  Frankly there are things, like weeds, that initially look like they could be a fruitful plant, so we watch....and wait to see what it emerges into.  Sometimes we don't notice that it's become something thorny and ugly and bears no fruit until it has matured and needs to be removed by the root so it doesn't return.  But this - this kind of uprooting, this kind of "commentary" that points out those weeds in our character can only be affirmed.....should only be affirmed by someone who isn't full of their own weeds.  Someone who can see you clearly.  Someone who can lovingly help you to pull the weed without damaging the fruitful plants around it.

Currently I find myself more secure in who I am than I have ever been in my life....perhaps its age...season in life....or the fruit of labor.  At the same time I find I am seeing people around me in crisis over who they are.  Desperately seeking the answer to the question: Who am I?

A friend posted this song: 

What struck me was...there is your answer.   When there is nothing left of us, when we are broken and on our knees and we find Him.....we find ourselves.  

When we try to "figure out who we are" we are typically looking with the eyes of the world.  What they see, what their measure for success is, the worlds measure of worth.  None of that matters.  

I am not worth X if I don't accomplish Y.   Who says?  Who says that you are not exactly what you were meant to be right here in this moment?  Do you honestly think that the God of the universe, the one who created you before time began, before you were even one single cell, didn't know you would be this beautiful mess right here right now?  You think He didn't know you'd make the mistakes you have?  You think He didn't already know you'd choose to compromise what He created you to be?  You think He wouldn't give you a way out?  No.

He made you.  You want to know who you really are?  Find Him.  Find your Creator and He will show you what He designed you to be.....a reflection of Himself.  He knew the flaws in yourself that you would add to His design but He wrote the program, so they aren't permanent....they can be corrected.  

The Lord is always before us but we have such a habit of looking behind us.  Trying to change where we laid our footsteps and calculate the 'what ifs' into something that might end in a more pleasing present.  

We cannot change the past.   We can learn from it, that is all.  

Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; give me life in Your ways."

~Psalm 119:37

Do not search for your identity in the eyes of people around you.  They didn't create you.  They don't see you completely.  The world tells us to "find ourselves"....honestly the way the world tells us to do so is to forget the world around us and look only at ourselves.  Focus deeply on "me".  Yes, there are seasons where we need to closely self-monitor.  When we are training new patterns and trying to uproot weeds, this does take some careful introspection to find them and get the whole root.  Guess who the ultimate gardener is?  

The first One.  

When we focus only on ourselves, the way the world would tell us to, our eyes are not on Him.  We make ourselves an idol before Him.....something we are carefully crafting independently from Him.  What that really is....what it really amounts to.....fruitless labor.  We cannot undo what He has created.  We cannot change the purpose He created us for....the purpose is still there.  Used improperly for a time perhaps, but the purpose still remains.  

We do so much out of selfish desire.  We whine "what about me" all too often.  You know, I think I've finally found out that when I am whining about me, that is the precise moment that I am the most miserable.  When I am in full out "its not about me" mode.....I am the most at peace.  I am the most confident and capable person when I am simply a serving vessel.  I'm sure I'll have those moments where I will slop out an exhausted "hey I'm over here, what about me"....we all will at some point and I'm nowhere near perfect.  But I think I finally get it.....when I make it about me....I make things miserable.  I wasn't designed for me, I was designed for Him....when I am all about Him....I fulfill my purpose and find contentment.

I am not who you say that I am.  What you think I am may affirm who He created me to be, but it does not define me.  Your label doesn't stick anymore.  The layers of packaging are disappearing and what is left is who He made.  Who He asks me to be.

Who are you?  

He's told you time and time again.

You are His.

You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:13

Blessings of beautiful brokenness that leads you to see who you really are....in His eyes only.

the Mrs.

He made you to be....

Unlocked

There is something funny about silence.  You don't just listen, you hear more.
In a room you hear the rhythmic ticking of a clock passing time.....electronics running through cycles of reving up and cooling down....the sigh of a dog as it fully relaxes into sleep....the gurgling of my stomach.  Not necessarily the beautiful song of birds but hey...it's winter here in the tundra and we've been stuck in sub-zero temps for several days.  

In conversations you start to hear tones differently.  The emotions behind them come through more clearly. Often....maybe more often than people like....I notice that people are not aware that their tone speaks an entirely different language than their words.  A pleasant exchange about coffee or some trivial thing, for instance can reveal a tone that is speaking about being exhausted, frustrated and needing a break.  But in the context of the words....just sounds angry.

Then, there is phrasing.  The one that currently jumps out at me with flashing lights and fireworks "I am".  People have locked themselves into being stuck.  "I am not a good listener." "I am not good at asking questions."  "I am not organized." "I am not a runner." "I am afraid..."  "I am a jerk, prideful, arrogant, weak, easily manipulated, a failure, a doormat, hard to love, selfish, shy, insecure, damaged...."     In there, the message is "I can't and I won't try to change."  Perhaps it's more of a being scared to try to change, or being too lazy to put the effort forth or maybe just maybe.....it's a lie that got in there somehow, someway and it was believed.  Claimed as their own and there it sits in the illusion of truth.

The real truth is that the only thing you can't change is the past.  So when I catch myself saying things like "I am not good at asking questions."  I change my phrasing..."I haven't been good at asking questions, I'd like to change that."  I am what I choose to be.  I choose to grow and change and improve.  I choose to listen to my own language and when I catch myself claiming something as if it cannot be changed...I change that "I am" to reflect "In the past I haven't been known to be ________."   Because it's in the past.  It doesn't have to be who I am right now or in the future.

Every second is a new opportunity to choose differently.

Blessings for broken locks, wise choices and freedom to move forward into a new perspective.
the Mrs.

Out of the muck.

Analysis paralysis.

A good friend asked the Facebook world if they have those moments when everything gets so overwhelming that you just freeze because you have no idea where to start.  One of the comments named the moment: Analysis paralysis.   Quite clever, accurate really.

The timing was interesting as just the day before I was having one of those days.  The world felt heavy.  I was in my head, trying to keep a million plates spinning.  This typically results in an outward display of nothingness....as all my hard work is in my head and my body just can't follow that act.

I've experienced this a million times and typically the result has been me wallowing in the muck. My nature is to nurture and sometimes I can get a little lost in the needs of those around me.  Wallowing in the muck only produces more muck in my attitude.   I would go to this place of self pity.  A "Where am I in all this?  Look at all the good that I do! What about ME!" place.  Its ugly and worldly.  A "lookit me" display of epic proportions, danced out in my head with interpretive ribbon dances and wildly cheering fans (generally they are all me as well).  Interpretive dance....frankly, it makes me laugh inappropriately.   It's ridiculous.  Somehow, the Lord gets in there and grabs my face, pulling my attention away from myself just long enough that I can snap out of the prideful haze I've created.
 
This time, I changed the game.  This time I chose to look at it from another angle.  This time I felt myself slipping into the muck and said No.  Not this time.  Instead I took time to stop and feel overwhelmed and then ask myself why, what was so big?  I started to talk with the Lord about what I was feeling and the extensive list in my head.......some were tasks, some were people in general that were weighing on my heart, some were upcoming events and things needed to plan for, frustration at playing calendar cop and getting nowhere, Christmas shopping, people asking for help or guidance, people placed on my heart to intercede for, Mr studying like crazy for the next test and then leaving for a week of training, gifts to make, regular household duties and cooking.....there was sooo much going on in my head!

First, I needed it out of my head.  I pulled out a notebook and laid it on my desk with a pen.  At the top I wrote "Write it down - THEN sort it out".   I moved though the next few hours of general tasks just thinking, talking with the Lord about everything and as something was brought to mind, on the list it went.  Slowly the overwhelming feeling started to release.  As it did, I started to become aware that I was overwhelmed because I was trying to be in charge of it all.  I was trying to keep all the plates spinning by myself.  Instead.....I should have taken the plates down and put them in His hands to hold....the only safe, unbreakable place.

My perspective started to shift.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed I started to feel incredibly blessed.....overwhelmingly blessed.  Instead of feeling self important, I felt humble.....how blessed am I that people trust me with their heart, count on me for guidance, stability and support?  People have confidence in me and feel safe to be vulnerable with me, trusting that I will comfort them and remind them of His Truth in their life.  ......suddenly, instead of feeling prideful and puffed up......I became keenly aware of how utterly insufficient I am apart from Him.  There is nothing I can do for any of them without Him.  A whole new kind of "overwhelmed" came over me.  Suddenly, it all looked different.

It was still a full page of "stuff" to figure out.  There are still a lot of tasks to try and manage.  The "stuff" didn't change, but how I see it did.  Did the heaviness disappear instantly?  No.  It got a lot lighter and still is.....but that's because I'm still loosening my grip on it.  Still translating inside what I'm trying to keep control of, what my job actually is.

Reminding myself that its not about me.  Even when I want it to be.  I'm just a tool.  Time to clear the muck out of the conduit, ensure the lines are clear so there's no more interference.

"Peace I leave you; My peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."   ~ John 14:27

Blessings for clear lines, clear perspective and only blessings that are overwhelming.

the Mrs.

the cake to my diabetic soul.

"The Devil knows just what I like and just how I like it." ~ Deon Sanders

I'm not typically given to quoting athletes but I heard him say this once and it struck me as a deep truth to remember.  So into my quote book it went.

It comes to mind often....surprisingly often actually.  One of those things that makes me aware of the Lord's deep caring of my character.  The Devil may know my buttons to push but the Lord knows me, as a whole person and provides the reminders He knows that I need.

Have you ever taken a class on spiritual gifts? When I first took the class I'd never heard of "spiritual gifts" before, even having attended christian schools all my life.  It was new to me and it opened my eyes to how specially the Lord had been working in my life in a way I'd not been equipped to see before.  My relationship with the Lord became more intimate and I saw that I had a useful purpose in life - I was useful to Him!  It was a major marker in my faith walk.  Like with anything though it can have it's drawbacks.

While taking this class was tremendously positive, it lacked a firm focus on the fact that gifts are only a tool.  We are tools and like a hammer, are only useful if the carpenter picks us up to use us.  Gifts are not individual super powers to be used willy nilly.  They do not make one person more important or special than another.  A hand is no more important than a foot.  We don't praise the hammer for pounding the nail, we praise the carpenter for his skills in knowing just the right tools to use.  It should be the same with us.  We are only as useful as our relationship is close to Him.  The farther we get the more rust forms and we don't quite function as accurately or efficiently as we could.

The farther we get, the more credit we take, the more we depend on ourselves instead of Him.   Suddenly we find ourselves as a hammer on a bench glowing about how wonderful and awesome we are, yet completely useless.  Nonfunctional and totally unaware of how far we've slipped.

Been there, done that.

The thing is, we help each other get there too.  We give each other credit for the amazing things that happen as a result of our prayers.  I'm rambling off target again, I know but stay with me.  When we know what someones gift is, we give them the credit instead of God. We reduce them to that gift, tie them to it and limit them to its use.  People have often referred to me as a "Prayer Warrior".  A title that indulged my gluttonous ego. I loved it and it sucked me in to a place where I felt powerful and singled out......and every time it would cause me to stumble and fall face first into the fluffy frosted sweetness.  My gift became my badge, my identity and then who I was as a whole person seemed to disappear to everyone - including me - except God.  In His wisdom He would pull me away from whatever I was doing and set me back into a sort of "time out".   Seclusion, not isolation, but a quiet time where opportunities for me to put my foot in my mouth were farther apart, compliments were not needed, where silence helped me review and see things with new eyes, talk to Him, confess and repent...again.  Followed by a refreshment and a newly adjusted perspective.  I've been in an extended time out.  He's shown me what ministry He wants me to do and cleared me of assumptions and rules I thought I needed to follow.  He stopped my running after peace and made me sit and experience it as He put it in my lap.

He's shown me my weakness and He's shown me how it is fed.  Compliments and credit.  Now He is teaching me how to turn my weakness into a way to glorify Him.  I've so much to learn here....how to phrase a correction, turn a compliment into a praise of Him...redirecting their attention to Him and off of me.  Some respond with an intense tone that I need to stop being so "humble" and accept the praise and ownership that He has blessed me with "tremendous gifts".   No.  Here is the plain ugly truth:

I am as arrogant and prideful as they come.   Jesus and the Devil both know it too.  Compliments turn me into a fat kid in a room full of cake and no supervision.  Jesus knows I have to turn my nose up at a compliment like its poison because the temptation to stuff my pride with those luscious words is too great a detriment to my diabetic soul.  

How to handle those moments?  I haven't mastered that yet.  Right now I think I verbally flail around until the delectable morsel ends up knocked in the dirt.  It's awkward and ungraceful....and can border on offending.  On the upside I didn't devour it.......though sometimes I do secretly dig it out of the dirt.  While my spirit is covered in dirt filled frosting I turn to Him and don't even have to say "oops I did it again".  He knows.

When you know the Lord has used someone in your life to bless you......affirm them by telling them that the Lord has used them in a mighty way to bless you in your life.  Share it with them but give credit where credit is due.....to Him and Him alone.  

"The Devil knows just what I like and just how I like it." 

Frosted.

Blessings of grace and truth, moments of beauty free from flailing.

the Mrs.

Who sets the pace?

There is this standard....one that is blurry and confusing.  It's taught in every church and yet, it never looks the same.  It is discussed in every small group and is in the heart of every follower of Christ.  It pokes at our guilt and doesn't fit in a nice, neat, easily defined box.  We use it to judge and put fellow followers down.  We use it to falsely elevate and comfort ourselves into believing we have it right.  We quietly use it to dismantle the fabric of our faith and change what was done into what we need to do.

What is my life supposed to look like if I'm living for You?  Not in a dusty sandals kind of way but in this messed up culture of technology and distraction.....what is it supposed to look like now?  Not by culture or by group, by city or by church....just by me....what is MINE supposed to look like?  

How often do we compare someone else's outward faith to our own?  We see that Susie, and Bonnie, and Blair all are disciplined in a morning routine of devotion.  They regularly post a scripture they read that morning and appear to be the epitome of humble perfection.   Then there is Lisa and Donna and Carrie....from outward appearances (because lets face it regardless of who you are seeing, that is ALL you are seeing) they participate in bible studies, talk about morning quiet time, are perfectly put together and yet they are emasculating to their husbands and they gossip but boy can they serve coffee with a smile at church.  You could pick out a whole other group who can speak deeply about the Lord and use His name in vain in the next sentence.  With no hesitation to curse or speak badly of another.  

No matter how "perfect" or "flawed" our fellow follower is....the vision of what our own faith in action is supposed to look like is flawed.  No two of us are the same.  We are each unique, our lives, our personalities and our histories.  So how on earth would my faith take the shape naturally to be like someone else's?  Not one of my friends has a brain injury.  Scripture speaking about coming to the Lord "in the morning", church, books, people and all manner of resources talking about how we are to wake early in the morning and meet with Him because that is what is right.......and then there is the "first fruits" of our time.  Does first fruits mean simply the first moments or the best moments?   Was it the first actual fruits harvested or was it the best of the best of the harvest?  My best is not in the morning.  I'm frankly not sure when my best is or if it's even at the same time each day.  So in my random chaos of a mind....what is my best?  What and when are my first fruit moments?  

I've spoken previously about a desire to be ceaseless with Him.  My desire does not wane but my behavior does.  I am easily distracted and driven off course.....tossed to and fro by the waves.  I would love to be disciplined like other women I know, those who have that set time and place where they sit to read His Word and talk with Him.  It is not something that comes naturally to me.   It is forced and uncomfortable because it doesn't feel genuine.  I've heard people speak about how some things you just need to do, before the feeling comes and it feels natural.  I get that....but I don't know how to get past the feeling that it is dishonoring to Him to force something like that.  Does it then become legalism from a lukewarm heart?

Is that what it is supposed to look like for me?  Is a morning "devotion" time what He wants for me?  Does He want that kind of action to be a part of my faith life?  Or is it His plan for me to be random?  Am I being tossed by the waves or am I giving myself over to move where and how He wants me to?  Am I seeing my faith through the eyes of my Father or the eyes around me?  Perhaps that spiritual fire doesn't burn the same in each of us.....because it isn't meant to?   What if some of us are meant to burn bright and crackly....noisemakers for God and some are meant to burn deeply....quiet and consistent....an understated heat that keeps the flame going for others....so they can dance with a colored light or shoot off loud crackling sparks?  

Lately I keep hearing messages that feel the the push of "should".   How we should love.  How we should minister.  How we should reach out.  They are all good messages.  All deeply good and right things to preach.  .....but.....inside....it makes something in my spirit twist.  My mind rings with do not conform.....because would He have created us each so lovingly, interestingly, different if He wanted us to conform to one way, one idea of how to do things?   Do not conform to this world can mean more than just the Godless worldling society.....it can also mean conforming to man's boxed idea of how a Christ Follower should function.   It feels like something is missing....some genuine connection to the reality of relationship.  

I love my husband more than air.  It is a love that burns deeply even when we don't speak for hours, I know he is there, I know he loves me and I do not doubt it.  Because I deeply respect him, I do not speak badly of him when he isn't around....I do not curse his name, or behave differently simply because he isn't in the room.  I remain myself - striving to be consistently me (for good or bad) no matter who is around.  Perhaps its the brain injury that makes me this way but I often wonder why others are not the same.  They behave differently depending on who they are with.....they put down their husbands, children or whomever, simply because the other isn't physically present.   I see people make statements on facebook about their children, about wanting to get away from them, how annoying they are or just insulting them.....and I get sick to my stomach because these statements are actually visible to those children.   Why?  How are people so unaware of their words?  

As Christ Followers, it's similar....but worse.   If you actually believe, would you drop the F-bomb right in the face of Jesus?  Cuz...ya just did.   He doesn't just appear like a genie at your beck and call, only to hear what you say at those times.  He is ALWAYS present.  Always hears.  Every curse and every prayer.  He hears every condemning thought you utter in the silence of your mind, every negative word you utter about your spouse, friend or child.....or the stranger in the checkout lane.  EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM MATTER.  They are not dismissed, they are heard and echo in heaven. 

No wonder we can't find common ground.  No wonder we can't find unity in the body of Christ.  The 10 commandments were helps, guides, bumpers on the path to the heavenly pins.  But.....gee those are old....that old testament stuff well, Jesus came so we really don't need that stuff anymore right?  No.  He adhered to them.  He followed them.  We are supposed to follow Him.  When did rules become evil infringements on our rights?  When did we stop realizing that rules are to protect, not to hurt?  

When will we get it together and realize that your walk and my walk are on the same path but our stride is different?  We wear different shoes.  Some walk fast and others slow.  Some have a limp and some run wild.  Some fall.  We are supposed to pick each other up and smile, hug and love and point in the right direction....and then let them go back on their way....not tether them to our side trying to teach them to walk the way we do.   

Jesus, what is my walk supposed to look like?  What is the measure of my stride supposed to be?  Fix my pace and my gate to fit Your plan for my walk.  I don't want to tether anyone to me Lord.  Help me to walk with others when You want me to and to walk alone when You've set that time to be just for You and I.  Help me to know one from the other Lord.  Keep the stones from my hands, I have no right to cast even one.  As others pass me, help me to cheer them on.  When others fall in my path, help me to take their hand and pull them up with love and compassion, urge them to move forward and leave the past behind.  Remind me to constantly drop seeds of joy on my way and to always, always pull weeds by the root.  Don't ever let me believe the lie that you are not walking with me just as intimately as every other person on this path.  I am never higher or lower than anyone else.  May I never be too proud to let someone else help me up when I fall.  

Blessings on your walk with Him, may He set your pace and show you that it is yours alone.

the Mrs.

Permission?

A question has been plaguing me since last Sunday.

Why do Christians need permission to act like Christ?

Mr and I sat in a meeting last Sunday at church and I found myself quietly listening to pastors excitedly talking about a ministry they'd like to start.....and the Lord telling me to "shut up and listen".  My face was probably quite loud compared to my voice because I think my eyebrows were actually sore from being furrowed in confusion.   Ultimately it was a lovely outreach idea but I kept thinking....um, Duh?   I loved their excitement and passion to mobilize people to reach out in their own communities, being salt and light to people who wouldn't ordinarily "do church".  

I ended up with more questions as to why this was needed than anything else.  

Why the need to formally organize people to reach out to un-churched people in their lives?  Shouldn't that be the natural flow of every Christian?   We come to Him by whatever means and then the growing process starts, we learn and slowly we become equipped with Truth, filled with the fruits of the Spirit and then naturally we treat the world around us as an opportunity to be a skin-on representative of Christ.   We are to be Christ to everyone we meet regardless of their relationship to Jesus.  

So I wonder....why the need for this?  Is this not happening?   Are people not being Christ-like?  If not, then why not?  Are they not equipped or are they not mature?  Or both?   If so the root of the issue is not to send out a bunch of people who will effectively bring en-mass "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, they do not act like your Christ."  

Ephesians 4:11-16 uses repeated statements about equipping, building up the body, attain to the unity of faith and knowledge, to mature manhood, no longer be children, speak the truth in love, grow up in every way, the whole body, equipped, each part is working properly.....these are all the words I underlined in this section of scripture that was used.  Not one is about outreach but how the body needs to be attended to, developed, taught and equipped.  

John 15:4  "Abide in Me and I in you.  A the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."

Which makes me go back to the beginning.....why do Christians need "permission" to act like Christ?  What is missing in the discipleship process if they don't know how to act like Christ?

Still thinking out loud.....still processing what it is that the Lord is trying to show me in this......and what He wants me to do about it.

Blessings of His love and mercy to be new today,
the Mrs.

be present

The current moment has a purpose.  The current trial, has a purpose.   When something is uncomfortable the last thing we seem to want to do is settle into it.  God doesn't work the way we do or the way we want Him to.

John 14:27 - "My peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid."

We need to be present in the current moment.   To fully engage in the current season instead of wasting it wishing for the next one to start.   Paul talked about being content with weakness in 2 Corinthians 12.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (v. 9)  Just prior to this loving answer from the Lord, Paul argues and pleads with Him to remove this pain but recognizes that the pain is humbling him.  He uses the word "conceited" twice, in the same verse (7) to describe where his character is going.  Pride is so sneaky......but how much more clever is the Lord to know exactly what Paul needed in his life that would heal him from pride.   Paul learned to be content with weakness because "when I am weak, then I am strong." (v. 10)  

Sometimes it is not our bodies that need healing but something else, something deeper and our bodies are used to heal that other sickness.   Hurt, pride, holding on to anger, guilt.....any number of things that hold us back......God sees them and He alone knows how to truly heal them.

I was doing dishes and praying for a sick friend as all this came to mind.   I began to sing, as I often do while doing dishes or when I simply run out of words....  I realized that like couples have a song that they call "theirs", reflective of their love.....so do we.  Simple words.  Deep and true but ones that my heart can sing without any accompaniment.  I wondered if other people have a song with Him all their own....  Not just a favorite worship song but that one song that echoes your heart and pours out to Him as your deepest most humble, heartfelt praise.

Blessings of contentment to you, for settling in to His peace in the present moment,
the Mrs.

He whispers

...and it echos loudly in my heart.

Marriage.  There are a few around me...marriages I pray for, worry about...wives I want to take under my wing to calm their anxiety.   Guide them away from mistakes I made.  Teach them what I've learned.

The Lord presses into my heart to put our experiences to use....sometimes it aches.  When I am the most discontent with some area of life.....I know He is about to move, or move me.  I feel it now.  Wives, marriage, mentor....it presses.   "train the young women to love their husbands and children"  Titus 2:4


Teach them.......I'm trying.

The most dangerous prayers are the shortest.  Teach me.  Use me.  I'm Yours.


In the last few days, despite the chaos and the cold that has been clouding my head and making me exhausted.....He has been so clear.   Like a puzzle there are little pieces coming to mind that I haven't thought of in so long.  Phrases.  Stories.   Comments made to me so long ago.   Write.

For a long time now He has been teaching me about the power of the written word.  Come to My Word, come to Me.  Much as I love scripture, its been a battle to change the feelings of it as a text book into seeing it as a love letter.   My entire education was scripture based but in those days, it was education without emotion.   It was the details and the history that was taught, not the love and the reason behind the details.  He has been working on changing that for a long time.  I see it now, but many times it is a battle to pick it up for Love, not study.   Oh how the enemy knows our weakness.

I used to be an avid reader.  Not novels....no, but non-fiction.  I have book after book on spiritual disciplines, humility, spiritual gifts, christian living, prayer, reference book after reference book....anything I could get my hands on that could teach me.   I did this intensely for many years......but in the last few....He pressed.   Not their word but Mine.   Stop relying on man to teach you what He already has.   Each time I would try to pick up a new book....I couldn't finish it.   I couldn't get through a whole page without being distracted.....reminded.    I've spent the last 3 years (or is it 4? I've lost track now...) with very few books I felt I had permission to read.  So many books have been suggested to me and in my heart I hear the whisper......No, not that one.  Only Me.  I can only smile and agree.......thanking the person with a transparent look that clearly says I won't be reading that book.    I can hide nothing....I am an open book.

When you give something up, suddenly it seems to have a spotlight on it.  If you diet, suddenly everyone on the planet has chocolate.  You see it everywhere.   In the last few years I've felt like a watcher...an observer of scripture, the presence or lack of it, has had a spotlight on it.  People share enthusiastically about books they are reading and I hear the weight they are giving to the words of man.   They speak of an author as if they have heard the Word of God itself......the Lord can use mere man, yes.....but what I don't hear is discernment.   Have they weighed the words against The Word?  A nugget of truth can so easily be manipulated into looking like a boulder.  In church, sermons sound different, I notice clearly if they are based on the Word or if the Word is used as a prop to support the message they want to deliver.   If it's full of God's Word or void of it....so much so that at times, I get distracted by verses flooding my mind that could have been used.  Verses used out of context screech like an alarm.  I hear talk of modeling things after another church and I hear idolatry.   Please, follow Him not them.  I see church classes and themes built around books.....and how they aren't the minority but the majority.   It isn't inherently wrong to teach based on some book but what I notice is how off balance it is.   Stack it all up on a scale and it will tip to the worlds side.   People rely too heavily on someone else to teach them about the Word instead of trusting the Word itself.   The Word is living and active, sharper than any two-edge sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  Heb. 4:12  

When did He become not enough?

He whispers.  I listen.  I watch.  I wait. I pray........Use me, I'm Yours.

"Abide in Me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.  I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.  If anyone does not abide in Me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.  If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be My disciples.  As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you.  Abide in My love.  If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.  These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."   John 15:4-11

Blessings of Sonshine and whispers, 

the Mrs.

story time

Once upon a time....not so long ago....there was a young girl.  It was the early spring in her life and all around her was grey, appearing lifeless.   She wondered if anything would ever bloom.  Would life always be so dark, so endlessly tiring?  Fruitlessly she searched within her own power to change her surroundings.  An iron fist had no power.  A nagging voice, no effect.  The melodramatic sigh of dissatisfaction brought forth no melody.

"Turn around." a Whisper came.

Time and again the Whisper called but she'd forgotten the familiar voice she once knew and waved it away as nothing.

Alone in spirit, grieved and afraid of her future the girl wondered about the choices she'd made.  Tears too frequent a companion and too little a comfort, her will finally broke.  The Whisper came again....stronger.

"Turn around."


And she did.  The Light shone on her darkness and she was no longer afraid.

"Fear not for you will not be ashamed."  came the whisper that washed over her.  "I, the Lord your Maker will be your husband.  I have called you, like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, with great compassion I will gather you."  she imagined this was how the raging storm felt when Jesus calmed it with a word.....the stillness of it.

A simple command followed: "Talk to me."


So she did.  She started talking all the time.  They laughed and they walked together.  She talked.

Her heart poured out to Him and all the hurt, dreams and wishes poured out.

"Ask." came the new Whisper.  So she did.

Lord, keep us safe.
And He did.

Lord, give my husband a new wife....and let it be me.
And He did.

Lord, open his heart to going to church.
And He did.


Lord, make him yours.
And He did.


Lord, help us to feed our family and pay our bills.
And He did.

Lord, give us a new home.
And He did.


Lord, save my marriage.
And He did.


Lord, help his work...prosper him.
And He did.

Lord, make my husband a godly man and a godly father.
And He did.




Lord, let him love me like You do...show him how.
And He did.

Lord, I love You.  Make me worthy of all Your gifts.  Help me see them and never overlook them.
And He is.


She looked around and all the world is in bloom.  Time to grow, is what was needed.  Patience and the Hand of the gardener.  While she talked and shared, He was Whispering to others.....growing and tending to them as only He can.   She needed to let them grow, in their own way and time....their soil was different.  Their needs, different.   In His hands, all grows to perfection in His time.

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but My steadfast love shall not depart from you, and My covenant of peace shall not be removed", says the Lord who has compassion on you.

~ Isaiah 54:10

Blessings of His never ending love, 

the Mrs.

Think on these things....

Yesterday, as I struggled with the weight of the impending meeting, it was a battle to think of anything else.

The Word tells us "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer. 17:9)   Our emotions get the better of us all too often don't they?  We get wrapped up in the fear, pain, or even the joy of an experience and lose all sense of judgement and can't grasp of the reality of the big picture.

I found myself there yesterday.....as was obvious in my post.  Each time I tried to share with Him my fears and hesitations about it, my mind would wander off into rehearsing how I would come to my son's defense.   Time and again, I would have to come to a stop and realize how pointless the train of thought was.

Stop, turn around.


Start again, move forward and ask for peace.  Trust that He has this under control and His plan for my son is better than any dream I could come up with for him.


Breathe.  Focus.


As I got ready I pulled out my iPod and selected two songs.  Thy Word.  and Doxology.    I listened and soaked it in.


Then I moved to sit at the new place I've carved out in the house (a "command central for mom" I guess) I knew I needed to stop and refocus.  Be still.  I looked up at the wall and the neon green post it I put there months ago screamed at me.

Yes.  I hear You.  You're right.  I'm focusing on all the wrong things.


I sat with that a moment.  I grabbed my devotional "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon.  I opened it's broken and worn pages and read the entry for Morning.  "My Heavenly Father".  Sweet reminders in the words of how much He cares and how much more He desires for us.  I settled into that for a bit.  Then I reopened my Bible to where I'd left off the day before....1 John 2 "Christ Our Advocate" was the heading to that chapter.

I hear You.  Okay....I'll stop thinking and start talking.  Today I dropped the ball....or maybe more specifically.....I took it from Your more capable hands.   I'm no good on my own.....with You I can do anything.  I'm sorry.   Take it back.  I'm Yours.  He is Yours.  This, is Yours.


I left early to sit in the pickup line.  Jesus Culture in the CD player started up with the engine....I hear You.

Opening my book - Practicing His Presence - the next chapter meeting me where I needed "Recalling the wandering mind".   The first phrase: "Yours is not an unusual experience."    Further on: "If your mind sometimes wanders or withdraws from the Lord, do not be upset or disquieted.  Trouble and disquiet serve more to distract the mind further from God than to recollect it."

By the time I entered the meeting I was at peace.  When we left I remarked to my husband that it was the very first team meeting (in the 1.5 years our son has been at this school) that was more positive than negative. The very first time I heard genuine comments about how responsible he is, how confident he is....

True.   Honorable. Just.  Pure.  Lovely.  Commendable.  Any excellence...

....anything worthy of praise....

He took care of my heart.....cast away my doubt and fear and reminded me who is really in charge.  I praised Him on the way home.  Resting in His hand, joyfully.

This morning that post-it drew me in again.   Sharing with at least two people....His words not mine.....firmly replanting the reminder in my own mind as I did.  Warming my heart that they needed it as much as I did.  

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.

~ Jeremiah 29:12-13

Blessings of deep, abiding love, drawing you nearer to Him, 

the Mrs.

Negative Nelly's Receptical

The happy place is not where I have resided recently.   The last couple of days I've been trying to be purposeful about grabbing onto His grace and promises to keep my mind from being dragged down into those dark places where I think I'm in control.

He is.  I am not.  ....this morning as I was getting ready and I was pondering all this, seeking Him out as I washed my face and did my hair....He offered me a glimpse of my error.   As I looked out the bathroom window, silently conversing with Him, the view of the back yard faded.   I saw myself with my arms loaded to the brim, posture tall and confident but pridefully unaware that, with that much in my arms, there was no way to hand something off without dropping everything.  Making a huge mess of all of it.   Next to me He walked, arms at the ready.   Then it morphed into Him joyfully carrying all I had before and there was only one item in my hands at a time.  He, always close, always helping.   I realized what He was telling me.....I have been making it about me.  I've been grasping for control and not wanting to let go of anything.  Here, He gently reveals why I've been so stressed....so overwhelmed.  

I asked His forgiveness and help to remember, to change my focus and mind set.  More than once there was music or a FB post to keep this fresh.

As per usual a purposed change of focus brings out challenges, things and people who poke and prod at that peace.   I started to message my husband with my most recent thought and decided perhaps it was more suited to just blog out.  Processing as I ponder.

Often I reflect on my need to have more grace for people, to be kinder, more understanding, talk less/listen more, more encouraging or more positive.....qualities that lift up.    This morning made me wonder if I need to be tougher....less open, more rude or just what on earth I project that gives people the idea that I am a receptical for their negativity, their baggage, gossip about people I don't know or simply their need to talk about themselves as if - like a garbage can - you only throw things in, you don't take things out.  

In this moment I'm unsure if this is due to some positive character trait that just makes people feel safe around me to be who they are, for good or bad, OR if somewhere along the line "Toss Here" was stamped on my forehead.  Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've simply been exhausted and not in the most peaceful state of mind lately that this line of questioning is coming to me.   Quite honestly, if I think about it, most of my communications revolve around me listening to others......helping to shoulder burdens, counsel them through tough moments, pray with or for them......so much going out in various directions.  Quite honestly, I should probably stop thinking about it.  Like I said before...Jesus came not to be served but to serve.  The depth of me wants to live like this and the humanity of me struggles with the What about me?   It's an ugly place to get stuck in though.

The balance of it is a struggle.  We are human.  Jesus knew the human limitations of this body and mind, He retreated regularly from the crowds......going off to find solitude in the mountains.   I wonder if we had a daily account, a "Dear Diary", if He would do this daily or weekly....how often would He seek out this kind of solitude?  Was it for hours, or did He sometimes need days, weeks?   It would be interesting to know.

He made me a nurturer, a mother hen to anyone in arms reach and He made me strong.  Able to withstand great trials, refining fire, and know that I know in the end I will come out like gold.

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come out like Gold. 

~ Job 23:10

"The key phrase in that statement is "when He has tested me."  You see, there is no hurry-up process for finding and shaping gold.  The process of discovering, processing, purifying and shaping gold is a lengthy, painstaking process.  Affliction is gold int he making for the child of God, and God is the one who determines how long the process takes.  He alone is the Refiner."

~ Charles Swindoll

Blessings to you of love and grace, refined and purified by Him alone, 

the Mrs.

hidden in the secret spaces.....blessings richer than gold

I love words.  They get under my skin and into my head...changing my spirit, my attitude...my words.


In my home there are words everywhere.  Some are visible, some are hidden.  Some are quotes, many are scripture.  Some words motivate and encourage, other words guard or bless.

As a manager or "keeper" of the home my work is more than keeping a clean home and caring for the day to day activities, schedules and meals.   Beyond the work of managing, I am also monitoring the heart of our home.   Some say that the wife is the heart of the home and is some ways I suppose that may be true...but I think it would be more accurate to say that I set the stage and create the environment for the heart of our home.  As wives and mothers the environment we create may be one of the most important aspects of our work.

"If momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy".....I've always hated this phrase.  To me it has always evoked thoughts of a cranky, controlling woman who has to have it her way or the highway.  Yuck.  The fact is though, you can replace "momma" with any member of the family and the statement is just as true.  The effect that a negative attitude has on the people around it is powerful.  Have you ever noticed how even one sour person in a room of 10 or more can bring the whole room down?   The atmosphere we create in our homes can either encourage or dissipate negativity.   We send our family members out in the morning and over the course of the day they encounter many people and situations.  When they come back home they can still be carrying that with them and bringing it right into the house.   If your husband is in a particularly stressful season at work, the stress he brings home can be transferred to everyone in the house.  If the perspective of Dad's home coming is "watch out, dad is going to be cranky" the tension will mount and when Dad comes home...his  stress is then encouraged to stay, fed by the tension and apprehension in the home.   But if the perspective of the home was "Dad has had a tough day today so lets try to encourage him when he gets here", his stress is melted away and doesn't have a fighting chance of sticking around.  The home is a secure, united, sanctuary where all are refilled and refreshed to go back out into the world when it is time.

One of the ways that I nurture our environment is through prayer and scripture in our home.  Most of the artwork on our walls includes words or scripture.  The unseen is what has the most powerful affect though.

Years ago, when I was on my very first prayer team, I was introduced to prayer walking.  The team would meet before, during and after a class at church.  We prayed with the leaders, we prayed for the participants and while they gathered for dinner we prayed in the room where they would worship and listen to the nights speaker.  While they listened to the speaker, we were in the rooms where they would soon meet in groups to discuss the evening topic.

We prayed for them as individuals and as groups.  We prayed for the environment - that there would be grace and safety to be vulnerable, we prayed for their faith, their protection, for the work the Lord was doing in their hearts, for their conversations and for their leaders and families and the people they would encounter during the week before they came back for the next class.   In some rooms we even prayed away the burdens that may have been left there from previous groups - grief and divorce care groups that met there earlier in the week.  We covered a range of prayer and concerns I'd never have conceived of before.   What I learned there, I eventually started to apply to my own home.

In my kitchen I would pray for our nourishment - that our food would be protected and that He would guide me to making healthy choices and meals for our family, but also that they would be financially smart choices for our budget.  I didn't limit it to the food we ate....I would pray about His nourishing our family relationships, blessing the conversations and interactions that happened there.   I asked that He would use meal times to feed our family spiritual nutrients as well as physical and relational nutrients.

As I folded laundry I would pray for the person I was folding for.  When I made a bed I prayed for their rest and refreshment, their dreams, comfort and security.  In the main gathering rooms I prayed over the relationships and the conversations that happened there.   The social gatherings of friends and family...the conflicts between kids and tensions between spouses, the opportunities for ministry and joy and laughter.

Friends, I saw change.  The Lord bends down to listen, He hears our prayers. (Ps. 116:1-2)  I saw change in my family and I felt change in me.  I saw arguing diminish and conversation replace it.  I felt peace in the absence of tension.  And people notice....  They can't put their finger on it, they can't identify what it is but they comment.   "Your home feels so good."  "Its soft here."  "I love coming here, it's like a vacation." "I feel so at home, so welcome."


This is the work of the Lord.  Flawed as I am I am not capable of creating that.  Obedience to His prompting always results in great blessing.

What words hide in the secret places of our home?  In the four corners of our property there are either rocks with scripture on them or a steak driven into the earth.

I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.

John 10:9

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand.  The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 121:5-8

He will love you, bless you and multiply you.  He will also bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground, your grain and your wine and your oil, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock, in the land that He swore to your fathers to give you.

Deut. 7:13

The main entrance to our home is our kitchen door....here people enter into blessing.

Blessed you shall be when you com in and blessed you shall be when you go out.

Deut. 28:6

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place - the Most High, who is my refuge - no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.

Psalm 91:9-10

Whether words are spoken at our kitchen table or not....blessing is present...

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.

Matt. 5:6

Our living room hides teaching and encouragement...

On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and those members of the body that we think less honorable we clothe with  greater honor and our less respectable members are treated with greater respect; whereas our more respectable members do not need this.  But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior member that there maybe no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another.  If one member suffers, all suffer together with it, if one member is honored all rejoice together in it.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

1 Cor. 12:22-27

Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you are doing.

1 Thess. 5:11

All over the house there are scriptures......the laundry room is not so subtle.  On the main wall (painted red by previous owners) the first thing you see when you enter the room is Proverbs 31:10-31 in white, hand written in paint pen from one end to the other.  On the cupboards printed out verses are taped that speak of controlling the tongue and what a wife should be.  The freezer speaks of managing harvest well, the ceiling speaks of where a husband who has a nagging wife is better off...

A good deep clean of a house, goes so much further than the corners and the nooks and crannies that only we can see.........a true deep cleaning goes to the depths of the heart and then pours out the mouth, laying every negative at the feet of Jesus and leaving behind only the fruit of His spirit....love for those we encounter.   For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Matt 12:34b  It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth that defiles.  Matt. 15:10-11

My kitchen window bears the lessons that need to change my heart or the focus my mind lacks.  It changes as  He prompts.  A black permanent marker to write and a green scrubby to remove. So when I wash dishes I don't just see the yard but His Word.  Bathroom mirrors often have a scripture or message on them....where ever the eye naturally rests....where we spend the most time standing still.....it sinks in.  It encourages.  It transforms.

The Word is powerful.  For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

Blessings for a clean heart, transformed mind and an unbridled passion for Him, 

the Mrs.

Mommy bumbles it

My boy is home today.  We've been dealing with a random and mysterious sore throat for a few weeks.  When I say that I feel so delinquent. It has been here today, gone tomorrow, sometimes just annoying and other days making him feel yucky enough to stay home.....then mysteriously, he's fine.  No fever, no runny nose or cough....just this one mysterious symptom.  I thought it was a cold that just wouldn't let go...until yesterday.  I got a call from the nurse at school.  He'd been there twice...but "no fever".....this time he was in tears, he wanted to come home.  I arrived to pick him up and he was clearly miserable, crying but trying to be brave...."but I don't want to miss school".   ugh......my heart.  

He is 10.   The sweetest most un-10 year old boy you've ever met.  He is an odd jewel of a person.  It is captivating watching him grow, seeing who the Lord has made him to be emerge from childhood and into this boy......dare I say, young man.  Perhaps I'm biased....but he impresses me, simply with being who he is.  Uncomplicated, totally transparent, honest to a fault, give him a rule and he will live and die by it.  He impresses me.

He then tells me that his face hurts, just beneath each eye.  This is new.  Sinus infection??  He's a kid....I've never had one myself so I can only go from the descriptions of others.   We went straight to urgent care.  I asked the Lord to please let us not have to wait for hours, let the freezing temps keep people home and let us get in quickly.  I stashed bunny crackers and an apple juice box in my purse before I left the house, knowing this is where we would end up.  The Lord is faithful and there wasn't even one person ahead of us.  We got in less than 20 minutes from walking in the door.

Another negative strep test and a quick look in the nose.....massive sinus infection.  She even grunted a half gasp at how bad it was.  I could have crawled in a hole....how could I have missed this.  We talked.   I asked a million questions.  The result; he has allergies and the drainage down his throat has been causing the sore irritated throat.  Laying down relieves things which is why he feels so much better after laying on the couch for a day.  A few days later it's built up again and he doesn't feel well.  Mystery solved.  Kinda...  Now we have a whole new mystery.

I explained how I was reluctant to bring him in because he gets a sore throat every time he gets sick, no fever ever but he doesn't feel well and we get sent home, "drink lots of fluids, rest and wait".  So that's what I did this time.   She comforted me saying I couldn't have known what was going on, that doctors wouldn't have looked at allergies as the cause due to his age.   The Dude's calm, laid back demeanor told her that he is clearly not a complainer and is a tough kid.  She pressed on all his sinuses and his reactions were minor but he did say it hurt.   I could tell from her comments and reactions she was expecting more drama from him.

"Anyone in your family have allergies?"  again, I feel like I should shrink.   How could I have missed this?  I had allergies as a kid.  So badly that instead of seeing a regular pediatrician I saw an allergy specialist for every sniffle and complaint I had.   I was constantly sick with something or other and was at the doctor so often we had a close relationship.  He took me on as one of his youngest patients, because he'd begun treating my mother while she was pregnant with me.  He gave me tongue depressors to take home and I would bring them back to him decorated and drawn on, I would draw him pictures and name my stuffed animals after his nurses.  When I was older, he was at a conference so I had to see a colleague of his. When he came in to see me he brought my folder, full and heavy.  When he sat it down on the desk, he looked at me and said I must be special.......one by one he pulled out every tongue depressor and picture I'd brought him over the years.

Now I need to pull those memories back out of the archives and find someone to bring the Dude to.  Once the sinus infection is cleared up.  Time to test and see what he is allergic to.....and I'm curious to see if there is a food connection.   Granted I see a food connection to everything......but still, it is the one constant source of input the body has that can trigger adverse affects.   It has been true in my life and I know that it can be true for him.  Has been since he was an infant.

So today I let him stay home....perhaps out of guilt.  Though I know that one more day of letting his body rest and the medication do it's work will only help, not hurt.  He looks so much better today than last night.....last night he looked like he'd been in a fight.  His eyes were puffy and dark.....the light hurt his eyes and he was uncomfortable....but he didn't complain.   He would just answer honestly when I asked.....so I know I need to ask more often and better questions.....because he won't complain, not unless it's bad.  

What a kid.   He is the epitome of a living breathing answer to prayer.....his name means "God has heard".  I asked for him, begged for him....and I do mean himjust one.  He did and I am blessed.  

I love the Lord because He hears and answers my prayers.  Because He bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!  ~Ps. 116:1-2

The Lord is so faithful.  He has answered so many prayers.  So many custom orders slowly revealed in His perfect timing.   He hears.  He knows.  

Blessings of abundance, peace and the encompassing awareness of His presence and love,
the Mrs.

thinks too much and too often......would make a seriously awesome monk.

my mind seems to have it's own steering wheel and GPS system that it refuses to share with me.

I am fiercely protective of people I care about....or people I've just met who happen to hit just the right note in my soul.   Though frankly I doubt that I make that great of a friend.   I am a solitary, lone wolf kinda person who rarely craves the company of people.  Unless you are my Mr, he is the one and only person in the whole world whose company I crave like lungs crave oxygen......and I would still need time alone.  Even as a child I preferred to be alone.  This worried my mother and when she was irritated enough, she would simply tell me that I was grounded and if I wanted to come out of my room I was required to play with the neighbor girl.
Really?  There's barbies in there.  Sounds cool.  See ya when I need food.
When she realized that was a massive failed experiment, she just started telling me that I had to play with her.  That worked....until I figured out how to make her want to go home....like trying to force feed her peppers....which she didn't like.  Or the time I convinced her that the beetle made of iron (I think it was for taking your boots off) near the fireplace was actually a family pet.....and alive.....and I tried to make her pet it.....she kinda freaked out....and ran home....screaming.....      I only chased her a little...
Oh come on!  I was like 6!   ....okay maybe 8...or 10...but still.

It's always been there.  A few years ago I thought I'd just be honest (cuz that's the best policy right?) and say out loud that I really didn't like people much.  Didn't quite go over how I thought.....a tad awkward......turns out only other people who don't like people tend to like people who say that.   Transparency apparently has limits.

Yes, I do have friends.  Friends I love dearly but frankly I'm not a great communicator so they totally get the short end of the stick.  I get lost in time.  I forget when the last time I talked to someone was and could go months without speaking to them and think it was just last week that we had that great chat.  I forget I have friends.  I forget that they might need me.  I forget that sometimes people need their friends to initiate contact or even ask questions instead of just assuming they will spew out all their thoughts without a prompt.....which means I'm probably a crappy friend more often than not.   Unless it's email or facebook....I don't reach out.   I'm not trying to be a jerk or avoiding people.....honestly, it really just doesn't occur to me.  Fortunately I have a few friends who really see me for who I am.  They have an abundance of grace for me and either accept or tolerate my massive many negative qualities.

Change is something I strive for....to grow, to weed out these negative character traits.   Unfortunately, I forget them more often than not because I do spend much of my time alone.....I simply am not out of touch or irritating to me.  My friends are angels...they understand that they will have to initiate conversations, phone calls or visits.....I wish I was better at that but honestly I just get all kinds of awkward and it really is better for everyone if they take the lead.

The solitary life of a monk, I would rock.  To be silent, in silence and have no one but God to talk to....THAT I could be successful at.   He knows me.  He loves me and He understands all my crazy and my serious.  He gets me.  I forget to talk to Him too.....but He doesn't get mad or feel neglected.  I know He's always with me....I think He's probably laughing at me many times, simply enjoying the random awkwardness that I provide a situation.  That makes me smile to think that lowly me could actually bring a smile or a chuckle to His face.  I love that He loves me in spite of my darkness, my faults and maybe He even loves me because of it a little....no, God doesn't do things little.  He does things complete.  If He loves, He loves completely.  If He is present, He doesn't just "show up a little bit", He is there in ALL His fullness and glory.  

God does not do things half way.   

I love Him and He loves me......and He knows I would totally shave my head for Him.  Cuz I've done it before.  Yup.  He knows me.  But He also knows I love pants.  I would hate to live in a bathrobe.  He knows me.

yeah.  I know I think too much and too often....and usually it's fairly random or highly concentrated....my daughter calls it OSD.  "Ooh Shiny! Disorder".  

Yup, she's awesome too.

Blessings for friendships as deep and wide as the love of Christ, 

the Mrs.

weigh in Monday - 4 grr arg but YAY!

Happy Monday!

So....weigh in today didn't go as well as I'd hoped BUT it went in the right direction.  Baby steps, right people?
Today was a whopping .8 loss.....I was tempted to re-weigh myself 30 minutes later to see if I could eek out another .2 and at least say it was a full pound but.....no way that timing would have allowed that this morning.

BUT! Wait there's more!

What I did realize is that my .8 has brought me down to my lowest WW weight to date!  Can't believe I'm putting this out there but wiser people with math skillz could probably put it together without much effort.  Grr arg, I am .6 shy of my 10%!  BUT...
That means I have lost a total of .........(yes I'm getting out my calculator, stop laughing) 18.4 lbs!  yeah....I'm currently 173.6.

I can remember the last time I weighed that.  I can remember the day clearly when I stepped on a new scale in a blue bathroom and saw 177 and nearly fell over.....right after I checked to see that it was working correctly and stepped on the scale about 3 more times.

YAY!  I'm almost at 10% and will KICK that goal in the rear as I charge past it this week!  YAY!  I now weigh less than I did when I realized that I'd gone past "gaining a few pounds" and officially reached fat.  (I know for many, that is not what it means for YOU - lets not focus on numbers - for my frame and height 5'3, this IS what it means FOR ME).  I look forward to the day that I'm not in an "obese" category.

For now I am celebrating the little victories.....like the fact that I am SO close to wearing size medium tops....that I can thrift for clothes easily and actually find things in my size!  Cuz seriously....who doesn't like both clothes and crazy cheap prices?  I can say "gosh I so need a belt or I'm going to lose my pants" and actually mean it.   I can give away clothes because they are TOO BIG!

Slowly but surely, I am getting there, step by step.

On to a whole other YAY.  A parental one.   Yesterday at church we were proud blubbery parents.  We attend a very small, second campus church.  It's only a year and a half old and the congregation is maybe at 100 on a good day.  Sunday school classes are small and the upper grades have a max of 6-8 kids in 3-5th grade.  Our Dude is in 5th grade and has become the class pray-er....for lack of a better term.  We were asked to start working with him to formulate a prayer to be prayed over the Operation Christmas Child shoe-boxes they were assembling.  I showed him an example and then he wrote his own prayer on a note card.  Before service started he showed his teacher and the worship leader overheard their conversation.  He asked to read it and then asked if he could read it to the congregation before the children were dismissed to class.

We had both already read the prayer, we had already told him how proud we were of him.  But then the worship leader prefaced his reading the Dude's little purple note card with how important it is to listen to the children.  How he had overheard the conversation and asked if he could read it to everyone.  The Spirit moved as he read it and we both welled up as our son ran up on stage at the end to get his note card back and go to class.  Our son's commentary......"Its a pretty special day for me."

I will leave you with this angelic prayer for the day...typed with errors and everything. :)

Dear God,   Thank you for putting Christ in our bodys with generousity and Grace.  Please help our gifts show them the love of Jesus.  So that they will be able to give you thanks no matter what. Help us do the same.  Thank you for all you have done for us.         Amen.


Blessings of the warm gushy variety,
the Mrs.

When the burn of insignificance lingers.....

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, 

they have neither storehouse nor barn, 

and yet God feeds them.

Of how much more value are you than the birds!

Luke 12:24

As the Father has loved Me,

so have I loved you.

Abide in My love.

John 15:9

Can a woman forget her nursing child, 

and not have compassion on the son of her womb?

Surely they may forget, 

yet I will not forget you.

See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.

You walls are continually before Me.

Is. 49:15-16

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Ps 147:3

I love those who love Me,

and those who seek Me diligently will find Me.

Prov. 8:17

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; 

He will never let the righteous fall.

Ps. 33:22

I am your Creator.  

You were in My care even before you were born.

Is 44:2

Draw close to God and God will draw close to you.

James 4:8

No mere man has ever seen, hear or even imagined what wonderful things 

God has ready for those who love the Lord.

1 Cor. 2:9

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, 

I have everything I need.

Ps. 23:1

Be still,

and know

that I am God.

Ps. 46:10

For the Lord God is living among you.  He is a mighty Savior.  

He will take delight in you with gladness. 

With His love, He will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zeph. 3:17

For God has said, I will never fail you.

I will never abandon you.

Heb. 13:5

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;

He rises up to show you compassion.

Is. 30:18

The Lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent.

Ex. 14:14

My soul thirsts for You.

Ps. 143:6

You O Lord are a shield for me.

Ps. 33:3

To the world you may be one, but to One you are the world.

Blessings, 

the Mrs.

Anniversaries and growing

The 4th of July brings celebrations, gatherings, good food and dazzling displays in the night sky....for most.

The last time I truly celebrated this holiday of Freedom and Independence was the eve of my mother's death.  We may have had the best party we've ever hosted.....the neighborhood fireworks just over our house were spectacular and we all had a blast until the wee hours of the morning.   I was woken up on the 5th by a stunned and shocked husband who didn't know how to tell me that my mom had died in her sleep the night before. 

I have not celebrated the 4th since.....not properly anyway.   It has been 7 years.  I carry guilt that my family misses out on celebrations...fireworks....but as much as my husband craves more social activity and strives to push me, as gently as he is able, to create new happy memories....I seem to just get stuck at this time of year.   Its not conscious.....but seemingly independent of my own choice.    My spirit remembers before I do I think.   I find myself as the day approaches and wondering why....."that time of the month?" I ask myself.....many times I don't figure it out until the calendar makes that connection a day or two before.

But....I know that the Lord blesses us through trials.....He stretches and grows us into being more than we were.   I am stronger and more capable.   When my mother was alive my independence was wound around her approval.   I moved through grief and confusion and one of the darkest seasons of my life to find freedom and independence.   Neither are easily gained......both are a process and sometimes a war is needed to break free.  

This morning I almost feel as if He has allowed a new ray of light to shine on this event in my life.   So often I tell people that if you take a hurt or situation and you can just turn it on it's side and examine it from a different angle/perspective, it looks so much different.   Many times it's much less menacing.....sometimes the loveliness buried inside of it just spills out and the blessing is discovered right there at your feet.

While I miss my mother terribly.....and all too often I have that moment where I look around at my life and wish she were standing next to me to see it all....to see my kids and love on them the way a grandmother should.....I love the Lord for His wisdom.    I don't blame Him and have never been angry at Him.  I know without a trace of doubt that He loves me without hesitation and His vantage point of my life is so much bigger and better than mine.  He knows best.   He knew that the only way I would become independent in life was to be independent of her.   He knew that the bond we had held me back, that fear of her disapproval put chains on me that He didn't desire me to carry. 

He knew what was necessary for my freedom to become a reality....there was a time of being carried through.....and then my loving Father set me back down and walked beside me through the war that waged for my soul.   He made me, He knew I was strong enough....He knew I would be silent for a while and He knew when I would cry out for Him.   He knew I would walk away with sharp edges and would need time to be aware that those places had formed within me and then ask Him to help soften them again.

He knew that without her I'd be capable of more than with her.  She was a good mother, she loved me so much she put me at the center of her universe.....I have wonderful memories and He has blessed me with her laugh.   Jesus is all too aware of the goodness that comes out of trial and pain.   It's how He purchased our freedom.   He knows that we need to fight for ourselves sometimes.....that while we are already free, there are still battles to be fought and chains to be broken to be aware of the freedom we really have.  To claim it as our own.   

Today is the anniversary of our nations independence.......but for me....this might just be more than an anniversary of missing and grief......but an anniversary of growth, freedom and my own independence.

Today I need to learn to claim this gift.   To see it as He intended it.....what is best for His child.....that I am no longer who I was.   I am better.  Stronger.   Independent.   Free.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yolk of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Happy Independence Day.

With love and blessings, 
the Mrs.