Out of the muck.

Analysis paralysis.

A good friend asked the Facebook world if they have those moments when everything gets so overwhelming that you just freeze because you have no idea where to start.  One of the comments named the moment: Analysis paralysis.   Quite clever, accurate really.

The timing was interesting as just the day before I was having one of those days.  The world felt heavy.  I was in my head, trying to keep a million plates spinning.  This typically results in an outward display of nothingness....as all my hard work is in my head and my body just can't follow that act.

I've experienced this a million times and typically the result has been me wallowing in the muck. My nature is to nurture and sometimes I can get a little lost in the needs of those around me.  Wallowing in the muck only produces more muck in my attitude.   I would go to this place of self pity.  A "Where am I in all this?  Look at all the good that I do! What about ME!" place.  Its ugly and worldly.  A "lookit me" display of epic proportions, danced out in my head with interpretive ribbon dances and wildly cheering fans (generally they are all me as well).  Interpretive dance....frankly, it makes me laugh inappropriately.   It's ridiculous.  Somehow, the Lord gets in there and grabs my face, pulling my attention away from myself just long enough that I can snap out of the prideful haze I've created.
 
This time, I changed the game.  This time I chose to look at it from another angle.  This time I felt myself slipping into the muck and said No.  Not this time.  Instead I took time to stop and feel overwhelmed and then ask myself why, what was so big?  I started to talk with the Lord about what I was feeling and the extensive list in my head.......some were tasks, some were people in general that were weighing on my heart, some were upcoming events and things needed to plan for, frustration at playing calendar cop and getting nowhere, Christmas shopping, people asking for help or guidance, people placed on my heart to intercede for, Mr studying like crazy for the next test and then leaving for a week of training, gifts to make, regular household duties and cooking.....there was sooo much going on in my head!

First, I needed it out of my head.  I pulled out a notebook and laid it on my desk with a pen.  At the top I wrote "Write it down - THEN sort it out".   I moved though the next few hours of general tasks just thinking, talking with the Lord about everything and as something was brought to mind, on the list it went.  Slowly the overwhelming feeling started to release.  As it did, I started to become aware that I was overwhelmed because I was trying to be in charge of it all.  I was trying to keep all the plates spinning by myself.  Instead.....I should have taken the plates down and put them in His hands to hold....the only safe, unbreakable place.

My perspective started to shift.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed I started to feel incredibly blessed.....overwhelmingly blessed.  Instead of feeling self important, I felt humble.....how blessed am I that people trust me with their heart, count on me for guidance, stability and support?  People have confidence in me and feel safe to be vulnerable with me, trusting that I will comfort them and remind them of His Truth in their life.  ......suddenly, instead of feeling prideful and puffed up......I became keenly aware of how utterly insufficient I am apart from Him.  There is nothing I can do for any of them without Him.  A whole new kind of "overwhelmed" came over me.  Suddenly, it all looked different.

It was still a full page of "stuff" to figure out.  There are still a lot of tasks to try and manage.  The "stuff" didn't change, but how I see it did.  Did the heaviness disappear instantly?  No.  It got a lot lighter and still is.....but that's because I'm still loosening my grip on it.  Still translating inside what I'm trying to keep control of, what my job actually is.

Reminding myself that its not about me.  Even when I want it to be.  I'm just a tool.  Time to clear the muck out of the conduit, ensure the lines are clear so there's no more interference.

"Peace I leave you; My peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."   ~ John 14:27

Blessings for clear lines, clear perspective and only blessings that are overwhelming.

the Mrs.

the cake to my diabetic soul.

"The Devil knows just what I like and just how I like it." ~ Deon Sanders

I'm not typically given to quoting athletes but I heard him say this once and it struck me as a deep truth to remember.  So into my quote book it went.

It comes to mind often....surprisingly often actually.  One of those things that makes me aware of the Lord's deep caring of my character.  The Devil may know my buttons to push but the Lord knows me, as a whole person and provides the reminders He knows that I need.

Have you ever taken a class on spiritual gifts? When I first took the class I'd never heard of "spiritual gifts" before, even having attended christian schools all my life.  It was new to me and it opened my eyes to how specially the Lord had been working in my life in a way I'd not been equipped to see before.  My relationship with the Lord became more intimate and I saw that I had a useful purpose in life - I was useful to Him!  It was a major marker in my faith walk.  Like with anything though it can have it's drawbacks.

While taking this class was tremendously positive, it lacked a firm focus on the fact that gifts are only a tool.  We are tools and like a hammer, are only useful if the carpenter picks us up to use us.  Gifts are not individual super powers to be used willy nilly.  They do not make one person more important or special than another.  A hand is no more important than a foot.  We don't praise the hammer for pounding the nail, we praise the carpenter for his skills in knowing just the right tools to use.  It should be the same with us.  We are only as useful as our relationship is close to Him.  The farther we get the more rust forms and we don't quite function as accurately or efficiently as we could.

The farther we get, the more credit we take, the more we depend on ourselves instead of Him.   Suddenly we find ourselves as a hammer on a bench glowing about how wonderful and awesome we are, yet completely useless.  Nonfunctional and totally unaware of how far we've slipped.

Been there, done that.

The thing is, we help each other get there too.  We give each other credit for the amazing things that happen as a result of our prayers.  I'm rambling off target again, I know but stay with me.  When we know what someones gift is, we give them the credit instead of God. We reduce them to that gift, tie them to it and limit them to its use.  People have often referred to me as a "Prayer Warrior".  A title that indulged my gluttonous ego. I loved it and it sucked me in to a place where I felt powerful and singled out......and every time it would cause me to stumble and fall face first into the fluffy frosted sweetness.  My gift became my badge, my identity and then who I was as a whole person seemed to disappear to everyone - including me - except God.  In His wisdom He would pull me away from whatever I was doing and set me back into a sort of "time out".   Seclusion, not isolation, but a quiet time where opportunities for me to put my foot in my mouth were farther apart, compliments were not needed, where silence helped me review and see things with new eyes, talk to Him, confess and repent...again.  Followed by a refreshment and a newly adjusted perspective.  I've been in an extended time out.  He's shown me what ministry He wants me to do and cleared me of assumptions and rules I thought I needed to follow.  He stopped my running after peace and made me sit and experience it as He put it in my lap.

He's shown me my weakness and He's shown me how it is fed.  Compliments and credit.  Now He is teaching me how to turn my weakness into a way to glorify Him.  I've so much to learn here....how to phrase a correction, turn a compliment into a praise of Him...redirecting their attention to Him and off of me.  Some respond with an intense tone that I need to stop being so "humble" and accept the praise and ownership that He has blessed me with "tremendous gifts".   No.  Here is the plain ugly truth:

I am as arrogant and prideful as they come.   Jesus and the Devil both know it too.  Compliments turn me into a fat kid in a room full of cake and no supervision.  Jesus knows I have to turn my nose up at a compliment like its poison because the temptation to stuff my pride with those luscious words is too great a detriment to my diabetic soul.  

How to handle those moments?  I haven't mastered that yet.  Right now I think I verbally flail around until the delectable morsel ends up knocked in the dirt.  It's awkward and ungraceful....and can border on offending.  On the upside I didn't devour it.......though sometimes I do secretly dig it out of the dirt.  While my spirit is covered in dirt filled frosting I turn to Him and don't even have to say "oops I did it again".  He knows.

When you know the Lord has used someone in your life to bless you......affirm them by telling them that the Lord has used them in a mighty way to bless you in your life.  Share it with them but give credit where credit is due.....to Him and Him alone.  

"The Devil knows just what I like and just how I like it." 

Frosted.

Blessings of grace and truth, moments of beauty free from flailing.

the Mrs.

confession

I'm a fairly black and white person.  Something is either right or wrong, true or false, good or bad.  Though, there are also things that I am unqualified to know.  Things I won't weigh in on which frustrates my husband to no end.  My standard answer to those topics "That's for God to decide when it's time, not me."  I'm not trying to get out of a tight spot or avoid giving a controversial opinion....it is genuinely how I feel.  God is the ultimate judge and there are some things that simply are to big for my small human mind to wrap itself around.  And who am I know think I know the mind of my God with certainty?

I hate the conversation of being judgmental.  I honestly do.  It is filled with snares and stumbling blocks and faintly defined borderlines between judgment and conviction, condemnation and accountability, superiority and humility.  I fall into each and every trap with the best of intentions.  I hold myself to a high standard and quite honestly find myself too often in a place of wonder.  I wonder if my standards are higher than others.  If I've somehow misunderstood what the conduct of a Christ follower should be.  Why I am so often surprised by people who call themselves Christians but behave like they've never met Christ.....and in some cases like they've never heard of Him.   I wonder what it is about me that my mind is so easily blown by the Choose Your Own Adventure Christians, you know the ones that know what the bible says but only live by and believe in the principals they choose to be worthy....or maybe easy is more accurate.

Is it good or bad that it doesn't occur to me that a Christ follower would not control their language?  It really never ceases to shock me that people who in every aspect of their visible walk to the world seem to be so close in relationship to Christ and then they take the Lord's name in vain in open conversation.   Curses just fall out of their mouths without shame, hesitation or apology.  

Language.  Why the Lord has it so pressed into my feeble mind and heart to pay attention to it, I don't know.  Yet there it is.   The structure of a sentence - is it focused on the positive or the negative?  A comment - does it cut down or build up?  A conversation or story - where is the focus, on the circumstance or the person?  Helpless or helpful?   End of the world or joyful in all circumstances?   Are 4 letter words being spoken out of heightened emotion or is it just part of their vocabulary?

It makes me sad, confused and at the same time totally convicted because I don't want to stand in judgment of someone else's walk.  We are all in different places and we are all in various seasons in life and learning.  It nags me though, honestly.   My heart is stabbed when another throws God's name around in vain but when another Christ follower does it....I don't know that I have the right words to even describe what that feels like.  Not just that my heart is offended, my spirit sickened but that in the biggest more important context - it has not even occurred to them how they hurt Him!  Has it?   If it had wouldn't they stop?  I am brought to silence each and every time, my mind screeches to a halt and my tongue goes dead.  Then my mind explodes in different directions my mouth cannot even articulate.  Do they know what they just said?  Why did they say it?  Have they considered how the use of His name in that way negates anything they say to His glory?  How can you boast about God's goodness while using His name to curse?   What does it say to the world if His representatives are spewing curse words?  What if the only thing they do is whine and complain in negative language the way the Worldlings do?  What distinguishes them, sets them apart?  

The Lord gives hope to the hopeless.  So why do so many seem unable to apply this to their lives??

It plagues me.  I have yet to learn how to calm my mind quickly enough to free up my mouth to say anything. To gain control of my shock so that whatever words I might deliver would be delivered in a loving way and not in a condemning tone.  I hate that in those weak moments where I'm knocked off balance my pride can get elevated and my attitude can get judgy.  It is in these moments where sadness hits me and I think.....its no wonder we all get such a bad rap.  We just don't represent Him well.

The silver lining in it all.....He is perfect where we are not.  His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our weakness.  He is good.  He is the source for any goodness we embody.  He is the resource for our change.  He created us in His image, so there is not one of us that is unable to change and grow.  Not one of us is beyond help, it's never too late to change an attitude or a life.  Free will.  We all have a choice....we just have to make one.

Blessings of strength to chose Him in everything, embrace His grace and remain weak enough that you are required to cling to Him for strength beyond yourself.
the Mrs.

that day

that day when you feel like you are totally on the wrong end of roshambo.
hard as you try to pull some goodness out, your brain just turns its back - arms folded, nose in the air, "you can't make me" hmph
the tiredness creeps in
the pity list starts going
...and then your own words come out to do battle with all of the above.

Find the lovely.
Smile at the big picture.
Don't focus on all the little things going wrong, you'll miss the good stuff.

but
its the 5th of july.
and on this day there is something in me that goes on autopilot.
the tears are just below the surface.
irritability flies out of my mouth faster than I can comprehend its happening.
no matter how "fine" I think I am....it still catches me a bit off kilter.
8 years ago today.
my mom died.
the day plays back in my mind...all on its own, because I really have no desire to dwell on it


but here I am
feeling stressed, tearful and so, so tired of being the grown up.
the rock.
the stable, she'll take care of everything and us and it will all be okay because she makes it okay, person.
its not often that I don't embrace the reality of my role in life 
but today is one of those days.


my mother died on the 5th
was buried on the 9th 
my birthday is on the 10th
it was a week I will never forget.
the Lord kept me tucked tightly to His chest and I was intimately aware of how tightly He was carrying me though it.
but the evening of the 9th
when all was done and the people were gone
He gently set me down
where I stayed in a heap for 2 years


8 years later the impact of this week is less than it was.
it softens a little bit each year
but still surprises me with a strong aversion to 4th of July parties and big fireworks displays.

This year was looking to be calm and easy.  The impact was no where to be seen or felt.
Until yesterday morning when my father said he wasn't feeling well.
A trip to the ER revealed a bowel obstruction and a stay in the hospital until they deem it taken care of.
No telling how long he'll be there.  He's handling it like a trooper cracking bad jokes.
I have some serious anxiety about driving into downtown areas.
that is where the hospital is.
So this morning I wake up in a July 5th fog of funk to find that my shoulder has a knot the size of texas and as it turns out, if texas is in your shoulder it's hard to lift your arm or move your neck.

Perhaps there might be a touch of stress I'm experiencing.

So my head is a bundle of lists
things that need to be done
picking up his mail and the neighbors because they are out of town
watering his plants
cutting my daughters hair - which I was going to do yesterday, like so many other things.
my house is a mess (in my eyes)
I've not been able to teach her the things she wanted to learn this week
there are two loads of laundry that need rewashing because they were forgotten...and are now smelly
my garden needs attention

and the voice in my head starts to whisper
it's all on you though
you are in charge
you need to be the one to talk to the doctors
if any decisions need to be made, its all you lady
don't whine that you are the youngest or its not fair
life isn't fair, stop being selfish
there isn't anyone to stand in the gap, you can't check out 
you are securely on the hook
it's all on you.


And that knot gets a little tighter as texas gets a little heavier.

But when life kicks you square in the berries you need to stop, catch your breath, suck it up and move on.
This too will pass.  Texas will get lighter eventually....at least for a while.

The Lord knows my strength, it's His so I will trudge through this and figure it out as I go.  Probably begging Him to help me not throw up in traffic as I try to drive to the hospital.

Filtering through the fog, nestled there in my heart is His peace.  So if you see a smile on my face today, it is only that, shining through the muck.

Blessings for lighter loads, peace beyond understanding and His smile shining on and through you.
the Mrs.


I have no idea why these highlighted blocks keep appearing over certain sections.

a Good Friday indeed

Some times, more than others, the clear markers of beginnings and endings are more welcome.   Mondays and Fridays are clear markers of time for me.  Weekends just kinda float around, hovering like a cloud of pretend vacation.  They are an entity all their own...filled with both recovery and preparation.

This week wasn't what I expected, it wasn't full of productivity in my home or gardens....instead there was a very active hamster in my head that just wouldn't give up his wheel.   His sweat became my tears, his body aches became my heartache. Unfortunately he kept the endorphins for himself and didn't share those.  Selfish bugger.

Keeping focused on the positive in all things, the ability to laugh and see the silver lining, the lovely in the disaster.....is an attitude I try so hard to maintain.  When the heart aches and the mind reels from the sheer extremes it encounters in a short period of time.....the dizzy spinning makes it hard to maintain focus on any one thing.

This morning I am struck with opportunity.  The hustle of morning routine is cut short, no school today means there is only my Mr to send off this morning.   As I approached my desk with my big mug of coffee (it's a big mug morning - yes, yes, I know that's more points because it's more dessert than coffee. Stop pooing my parade...I'm trying to be positive here), I noticed the sun shining in the dirty front window and smiled at the highlighted "nose art" the little dogs left behind.  Mr called as he pulled out of the driveway because he didn't want me to miss seeing the pair of ducks just sitting in the front yard.  From where I sit right now I can see the beautiful pale green of developing leaves emerging on once bare branches.  Stuff to smile about.

Growth is usually accompanied by growing pains.  Also accompanied by some awkwardness as things slowly find their balance again.  Growth is tremendously valuable....as is pain.  There are few other things in life that allow us to come along side each other and provide comfort.  To be able to say "I understand" as a truth is a comfort that cannot be purchased.  To have people not just speak but show you how valuable you are to them, what you have added to their life, is priceless.

Make it a priority in life to both speak and show people how much value they add to your life.  Write letters, bring flowers, hugs and words of praise and encouragement. Speaking and showing are both equally important, sometimes verbal words ring hollow but physical efforts - pen to paper, time to write it out, time to choose something that has meaning deeper than appearances, the knowledge of being thought of beyond your use - "I saw this and it reminded me of you" - there are a million ways to show someone without grand gestures.  Often, those simple little things are the grandest gestures....the most cherished memories.

A simple letter.  I wrote here how I felt I should share with someone the positive impact they had on my life. Never had I imagined that she questioned her value or that she'd made any positive contribution to the life of another.   It was one of those moments where the impact my letter had on her, snapped back and impacted me as well......that we should never assume by appearances, actions or assumptions that anyone truly knows how valued they are.   When we assume they know just how loved, amazing and valued they are we are withholding blessing from them......  Depriving them of a gift, where we step in and give them a gift that beats the devil back for them and stop the mental momentum that they are completely disposable and wouldn't be missed if they were snuffed out right this moment.
Imagine that moment in a movie where the bad guy is standing just behind a door, gun in hand, facing their next victim.  All of a sudden that unknowing person flings open the door, smashing into the bad guy, knocking the gun away and the bad guy out cold.  Saving the other person without having even been aware that anything was going on.  Without intention, they are a hero.  You can be a hero simply by telling someone else, that they are yours.
As people we are much more apt to share with someone when they have offended us, than when they have had a positive impact on us.......when you really stop to think about that....it's kinda twisted.   Reproof and correction are necessary for growth in life, I'm not saying it shouldn't be addressed but the balance is what I'm concerned with.   Anger and rejection are more often aired out than encouragement and blessing....praise of an other's greatness.  

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;

a stranger, not your own lips.

Prov. 27:2

Its important to praise goodness.  Everyone needs encouragement.....it brings balance to the lies, the negative self talk......the temptations of the enemy to bring us right back to the dirt with him.  We need to be quick to praise....quick to see the lovely in those around us.....even when we have to dig deep for it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,

as God in Christ forgave you.  Eph. 4:32

Blessings for tender and forgiving hearts this Easter, may He shine through you and on you.

the Mrs.

Stripped

Have you ever felt so stripped of value by people that you had a hard time shaking the feeling?

Been around people who at one time thought so highly of you that they would call at all hours just to receive advice or comfort from you.....then, as if some alternate reality took over....it seems that any words you speak need correction because they must be wrong?

The sheer extremes of it so boggle my mind each and every time it takes me days to attempt to disengage my emotion from it.  A fact I do not like to admit.  My value and self worth is not wrapped up in the opinions of others....especially those who reject me so deeply......but yet, it still hurts.  If I had done something to deserve such disdain (if I have I do not have a clue what it is) it might be easier to accept something I deserve.  If it had been swift and direct, that too might be easier to process.  The slow push, the gradual process of watching people back away, change how they speak to you and to feel the process of being devalued, unneeded, unworthy....unloved.....by a group of people you poured yourself into for so long.....I admit, it leaves a wound easily reopened.

The positives abound but the emotions of it.....are just a little harder to shut down.  To be so looked down on by a stranger would not be a blip on the radar but to be so looked down on by people who were so close....

My request is that He shows me the value in the hurt.  That He reveals areas where I need to change and if I simply need more grace to give, that He teaches me to do that.  If my value is too found in the eyes of others, rather than Him, that He reveals that and shows me how to correct it.  All experience has value, even this.

Look for a lovely thing and you will find it.

Blessings for an abundance of lovely among the thorns, 

the Mrs.

weigh in monday 17- I'll take what I can get

A -.4 isn't much but it's better than nothing!  Way better than a +, so I'll take it and be happy about it.

Moving back up the scale, when I was so close to the halfway mark I could taste it, is not fun.  Like anything though it is an opportunity for reflection.  Seeking out what was in my control and what wasn't.   What could I have done differently?  

If pain is making working out more difficult then I need to carefully monitor food, points, calories...whatever it takes.  Monitoring food seems like a full time job in and of itself.  Food is no longer fun.....I'm not saying that I never enjoy it or that what and how I eat is boring, bland or gross but the amount of work and thought that goes into it daily kinda sucks the fun out of "entertainment eating".  The "ooh lets go out" excitement is gone.  I eat nicer things at home than when I go out.  

Hmm....I don't like the negativity here.   Yes, it's real. Real is not always positive.  BUT the bigger reality is that there is always a choice in how we approach or perceive our circumstances.  My choice should be to seek out the blessing because that is just as real as any negative aspect BUT it is worth so much more.  

Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.  

~Prov. 15:17

It's kind of a Daniel diet....I guess.  (Dan. 1:8-16) Daniel was better for it.  Stronger, healthier....this is blessing.  To eat only what the Lord made......how can that not be good!   

I'm not setting much in the way of a goal for myself right now.  I don't quite have this pain figured out.  It's better, not quite as bad as last week but muscles are still pressure sensitive and joints are still sore.  Again, not as bad though.  So my only goal is to seek Him.  He knows whats going on and why and I'll rest in that.

Blessings to you this week for peace, joy and a positive perspective in whatever circumstance you find yourself, 

the Mrs.

Never fails....

School meeting days are like a magnet.  

The magnifying glass of irrational thought - otherwise known as PMS - never fails to show up to each and every meeting.

My stomach churns and my temper flares.......defenses go up high.

Little things that would ordinarily be small, appear bigger than they really are.

.....and there are always, curve-balls.  Always.  Never fails that something will come out of the blue that I would never have expected but on this day, it will be a big deal because I wasn't expecting it.  Not today.

At this point I should.   School meeting days are like my Friday the 13th.  

I felt peace yesterday.....calm before the storm I guess.  Today, not so much.  

I can't wait until this meeting is over.  I hope and pray that it is fast, painless and they don't talk much.

Blessings for better days,
the Mrs.

Negative Nelly's Receptical

The happy place is not where I have resided recently.   The last couple of days I've been trying to be purposeful about grabbing onto His grace and promises to keep my mind from being dragged down into those dark places where I think I'm in control.

He is.  I am not.  ....this morning as I was getting ready and I was pondering all this, seeking Him out as I washed my face and did my hair....He offered me a glimpse of my error.   As I looked out the bathroom window, silently conversing with Him, the view of the back yard faded.   I saw myself with my arms loaded to the brim, posture tall and confident but pridefully unaware that, with that much in my arms, there was no way to hand something off without dropping everything.  Making a huge mess of all of it.   Next to me He walked, arms at the ready.   Then it morphed into Him joyfully carrying all I had before and there was only one item in my hands at a time.  He, always close, always helping.   I realized what He was telling me.....I have been making it about me.  I've been grasping for control and not wanting to let go of anything.  Here, He gently reveals why I've been so stressed....so overwhelmed.  

I asked His forgiveness and help to remember, to change my focus and mind set.  More than once there was music or a FB post to keep this fresh.

As per usual a purposed change of focus brings out challenges, things and people who poke and prod at that peace.   I started to message my husband with my most recent thought and decided perhaps it was more suited to just blog out.  Processing as I ponder.

Often I reflect on my need to have more grace for people, to be kinder, more understanding, talk less/listen more, more encouraging or more positive.....qualities that lift up.    This morning made me wonder if I need to be tougher....less open, more rude or just what on earth I project that gives people the idea that I am a receptical for their negativity, their baggage, gossip about people I don't know or simply their need to talk about themselves as if - like a garbage can - you only throw things in, you don't take things out.  

In this moment I'm unsure if this is due to some positive character trait that just makes people feel safe around me to be who they are, for good or bad, OR if somewhere along the line "Toss Here" was stamped on my forehead.  Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've simply been exhausted and not in the most peaceful state of mind lately that this line of questioning is coming to me.   Quite honestly, if I think about it, most of my communications revolve around me listening to others......helping to shoulder burdens, counsel them through tough moments, pray with or for them......so much going out in various directions.  Quite honestly, I should probably stop thinking about it.  Like I said before...Jesus came not to be served but to serve.  The depth of me wants to live like this and the humanity of me struggles with the What about me?   It's an ugly place to get stuck in though.

The balance of it is a struggle.  We are human.  Jesus knew the human limitations of this body and mind, He retreated regularly from the crowds......going off to find solitude in the mountains.   I wonder if we had a daily account, a "Dear Diary", if He would do this daily or weekly....how often would He seek out this kind of solitude?  Was it for hours, or did He sometimes need days, weeks?   It would be interesting to know.

He made me a nurturer, a mother hen to anyone in arms reach and He made me strong.  Able to withstand great trials, refining fire, and know that I know in the end I will come out like gold.

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come out like Gold. 

~ Job 23:10

"The key phrase in that statement is "when He has tested me."  You see, there is no hurry-up process for finding and shaping gold.  The process of discovering, processing, purifying and shaping gold is a lengthy, painstaking process.  Affliction is gold int he making for the child of God, and God is the one who determines how long the process takes.  He alone is the Refiner."

~ Charles Swindoll

Blessings to you of love and grace, refined and purified by Him alone, 

the Mrs.

Weigh in Monday 8 - setback

After a long week of stressing out, grieving my mother's birthday and......well, lets face it....emotional eating.   I am less surprised and more disappointed in myself for having achieved a +.4 this week.

Yuck.  + is ugly.

BUT we don't focus on failure here, mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, not to dwell on the negative.  It is only .4 and I didn't go back up into the 70's.  That is a GOOD THING.

So.....what have I learned this week?  When I'm feeling bummed and overwhelmed at the same time....I gravitate toward eating.....salty, crunchy and sweet comforting foods.  Mentally, I start to check out and not think about the goal, the big picture.  The prime time for cheating....when I spend too much time alone and there is no one to witness....then it didn't happen.  Actually if I'm really honest....it's when Mr isn't home.  "If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around, does it make a sound?"

Confession:  I had chips and salsa several times, guac too - no measuring or counting.  I ate candy and pretended I didn't.  I didn't drink enough water and not nearly enough fruit. I didn't track my points more than 50% of this last week and I only got on the treadmill 2-3 times and for less time than I would normally.

I know exactly what went wrong.   Now, I need to apply it to this coming week.  I need to get organized and make sure I have some safety nets, meals planned so I don't have to think.  This time of year gets a tad crazy....Mr says I tend to get overwhelmed by whatever area it is I think I'm falling short in.  The season of "busy", preparing and planning, combined with the lingering emptiness of a missed loved one....apparently puts me in a tender and easily overwhelmed place this time of year.

Just one more thing that makes me love that man abundantly.  Even when I am not aware, he is paying attention and trying to piece together what my needs are, even when I am not aware I am in need.  LOVE him.

So, this week.....no, TODAY.....I need to spend time making lists.  What to do, what to prepare and what to eat.....It's preparation day.  Time to set up boarders and safety nets.  The more unburdened my mind is the better I do.

And this is a week my mind should be unburdened.  This should be a week of dwelling on my Savior.  Pondering His birth, His choice to come here to this little blue ball He created (and we messed up), to be one of us.  To be among us.   To feel and be like one of us and show us how things could be.  It is a week that should be filled with anticipation for my Lord and Love....as every day should be.....but its Christmas....a time when the world participates in celebrating the King of Kings and even if they deny Him.....they are at the party.  They can't fight it or hide it and if they are participating in Christmas at all.....they're still at the party.  Maybe on the outskirts, perhaps the wall flowers but they are watching us.  Live your witness to Him who saved you.....and they will see.

Blessings to you for a week of preparation.....for holidays, for life, for love, for Him,
the Mrs.

help arrived

Sometimes all the little stresses snowball into something big and overwhelming.  They get tangled and jumbled up together, hard to tell where one issue starts and another one ends....more menacing and powerful than if they just lined up nicely as individuals.   Seems they like to attack on just the right days...the weak ones.

Mr knows that sometimes the calendar creeps up on me.  It and some deep part of my mind or spirit get together and have things timed.  Often I am not even aware of the collaboration until I am reacting, feeling, the anniversary.   It's funny how it happens....in an ironic, questioning my sanity, kind of way....I start noticing that tears come more easily and for things that ordinarily wouldn't trigger them.  I start wondering if somehow I've completely lost track of time and the PMS monster has arrived...when I realize that it hasn't I then wonder some more.

Mr stayed home with me yesterday.  He knows me well.  Staying home to help me catch up around the house, cross things off my list....might seem like something small but to me it is huge.  Clutter got cleared, things got cleaned, donated and delivered.  Discussions and decisions made.....weights lifted.  I still feel gloomy, tired, and the weather we've had is not helping.  ALL the snow is gone, it's been rainy and yucky out.  No trace of sun - though there was a tiny moment this morning when it showed its radiant face...hoping we get more snow soon.

There was also a glimpse into how some days it's hard to get things done.  One extra phone call can change the overall productivity of the whole day because there is a guarantee that I will have one excessively long call in my day.   No matter how good, wanted, filling and nurturing a second call is.....there is little I can do while on the phone.  Due to the nature of my brain injury, any distraction means I have no idea what the person on the phone said.  So often, if I'm on the phone, I need to just sit and participate, listen actively and focus.  Mr got to witness this yesterday - I'm not much of a phone person and if I do take a call it is always during the day - less distractions and it is quiet - so for him to see me on the phone is rare.

Today I'll be trying to get more done around here....the main goal is to actually get on the treadmill.  I haven't been in the last 3 days.   That's the longest I've gone in more than a month or so, I think.  That's going to make it really tough to hit that 2.9......but we'll see.  I'm heading off to help a friend this afternoon and sit with her twins - one of which is our god-daughter - so she can run some errands and get out of the house.  They are just the cutest girls and such good babies!

I have 45 minutes until phone call time.....I must go run....or at least walk fast on the treadmill.

Blessings for joyful productivity in your day,
the Mrs.

circuits are overloaded....system shutting down in 3.....2....1.... Something's gotta give.

Ever feel like you need someone to hold your hand just to make it through the day?

What happens when the helper is spread too thin?

As I wound my way through isles and stores this morning, I found myself near tears too often....silently crying out to Him to lift the burdens.   My mind went to that rock Moses struck (Exodus 17:1-7) and water poured out for the people who were thirsty..... Rocks are made of solid, near unbreakable substance....formed ages ago and filled with markers of time.   Moses struck the rock with a staff.....a piece of wood, something so much weaker than the rock itself and it split, pouring forth fresh water to quench the thirst of those who were grumbling and needy.

I can only hope that when I split it is the Lord's living water that pours forth.

While I may be compared to or referred to as the "rock" I am all too aware of my limitations.  Its funny how some things occur to you but not until someone else speaks them out loud does it become a concept real enough to acknowledge.

"Prayer Warrior" is another label people place on me.  I am blessed with gifts that do fit this description but I am more than my gifts.  I fight the label because the label limits me....even more so it limits the perception of how God may choose to use me....or anyone else for that matter.  God has no limits.  For more than a year I was the lone prayer minister at our little church.  The burdens started getting too heavy, combining with the burdens I already have....the ones that accumulate daily and I struggle to keep straight.   I was sharing with a friend about how I felt on the verge of snapping from the weight of it all and that the only answer I felt was coming was that I needed to stop being the prayer minister.  The idea of leaving our congregation without this service left me with the pressure of enormous guilt.  But what good is a prayer minister that is so burdened that she doesn't have the properly prepared heart to intercede for others the way that they deserve?  The way He asks.  One Sunday as I approached to pray with the worship team before service, our pastor came down the stairs and called me to the side....I cracked.  He didn't know that as I approached I was silently begging the Lord to relieve me...to rescue me....in that moment it was like He'd thrown me a life preserver.  He heard my cry.   My pastor was thrown off by my response....tears started to stream down my cheeks as I told him how weary I was and that I was struggling.

I don't remember the time line but at some point after all this my friend who I had confided in said that she was thinking about the situation one day and it struck her how obvious it was that I would be so tired, so burned out.  This thought had occurred to me before but it wasn't until she spoke it that it became worth acknowledging.  She went on to tell me how if anyone needed me, I was there...mentoring and providing wisdom or a listening ear to a neighborhood young man, a friend or whomever crossed my path.  That daily I put in an hour or more with my father on the phone, assessing, listening and checking in with him on how he is doing but the conversation, the flow, is very one sided.  I am advocating for our son, monitoring speech patterns, deciphering what on earth the teachers are seeing or hearing. Caring for our home, monitoring my food and symptoms, caring for my husband, being a step mom to a teenager who is all too quickly growing up pouring into my family to fill them up so that they are better equipped, when they leave our home, to battle the world they encounter......she went on about all the things that pour out of me in various directions.  I got tired just listening to her.  All these things individually are small......but together cause the mind to be constantly in motion....

Pride is my weakness so I've tried to not cling too tightly to the praise of that conversation and instead tried to be more aware of where I am giving the best of myself.  My family deserves my best, everyone else should get the leftovers.  So which is it that I'm providing my family?

Today I feel I've run out of best.  I'm running on left overs.  Yesterday I found myself both exhausted and ravenous.  My mind alternating between filling up with too much to sort out and going blank.   I am capable of so much more.......but find myself feeling like an outlet with too many things plugged into it...drained.  Today I see that was a symptom......

tomorrow would have been my mother's birthday.  

I don't want to feel the burden, every time I go to church, of the absence of the position I filled or have to keep saying no to praying with people.....the look I get in return, questions how someone so "gifted" like me could not.    Which only serves to back why I say no.   It's not about me.  It became too much about me....which was a whole other burden.  My gift should not become my identity.  My gift should not become your god......and in some instances, for some people, it did.  Therefore, I must stand immovable and say no....I feel the guilt, maybe some judgement, heaped on my head like coals but I will not stand in His way.  When the Lord says to step down, step down is what I do.

Juggling is not my forte.  Currently there are too many objects and situations in the air and I can't keep up.  I look around my home and that is always the best indicator of my mind being too overtaken.  A list of people and things.....situations....on a loop in my mind.  Researching school for the Dude next year...home school?  Teenage boy friends, co-parenting and trying to stay in the loop...stay connected.  Senior father who doesn't seem to realize the world doesn't revolve around him....or the 1 grandchild he pays attention to out of 5.  Christmas shopping I haven't done, the grand plans for fun and baking, the 12 days of Christmas surprise I was hoping to pull of for my Mr....  Trying to sort out current school issues....managing symptoms of allergies and trying to figure out how, when and where to get him tested, a dog who is going deaf and possibly having night time accidents...taking care of my own food junk and trying to lose weight.  Holiday parties and gatherings to plan.....family dynamics and drama and I just don't have the energy for it.  The list just keeps growing and I'm struggling to even remember what all is on it.....I feel helpless with our son...not supportive or encouraging enough of my husband during stressful times at work....I know something has to give.  But what?

Today is just one day.  A day where quotes like "I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed" just don't hit the mark....counting my blessings make me smile but don't lift the burden....my Lord gives me peace that this too shall pass and that He will help me....but frustration and confusion linger.

Even the rocks cry out.   We are stronger at our weakest.  He is bigger than it all.

Blessings,
the Mrs.