weigh in monday 11 - getting back in the game

This morning I had no expectations.  I knew that after last week a loss would be tough.  Mentally I think I shifted my focus from 2 lbs to at the very least holding still.  The week offered way more than I expected in terms of distractions.  Shopping for that holiday outfit took up way too much time and brought me down in ways I didn't expect. (I'll leave that for tomorrow)

Many hours gone this week, I struggled to maintain just a bare minimum of what I desired to accomplish in the home.  Things got back into shape a bit, I managed to get back on the treadmill (it is AMAZING how our body takes steps back when we miss that regular activity!  I need to work to get back up to speed again.) and I also got into the new boxing game I got for Christmas. LOVE it by the way!

Anyway - this morning's weigh in was a +.2.   Not bad considering the week itself - regular eating times and routines were completely disrupted, didn't get water in the most consistent way - but I did drink lots of detox water in the beginning of the week and got in green tea too!  Will I make my end goal at this point? Probably not.  But I don't think I'll be too far off.  The fact that I can say I'm 167.6 is still a pretty big accomplishment for me.   So I'll hang on to that bit of goodness and run with it this week.

The rest of my goals....well....I won't even rehash that.  Shopping absolutely killed my time this week.  Every. Day.  Yes, it was frustrating and not too successful to say the least.

Time to plan for the week ahead and leave the past behind.  Dude and Mr are both home today, Dude is also home tomorrow.  A wonky week but doable as there isn't much on the calendar.

This week: water and working out.  These need to be consistent.  More fruit and more veg.....stop relying on sandwich flats and cheese no matter how yummy!


Blessings for smooth paths ahead and may no bump be too big to hurdle,
the Mrs.

weigh in Monday 10 - reclaiming the new year

After having my butt kicked for the first week of the year, I'm ready to kick back!  I'm feeling like today is the real start of my new year.  Last night it was like I could feel the breath getting put back into me.  I started slowly with lists, just gathering my thoughts for how to approach the coming week and how to edit this weeks drive to roll over into next week.  Motivation and energy started to build and eventually I'd checked nearly everything off a mini list of to-do's for last night.  Things were ready to get started for this morning - nothing was in perfect order, there are still piles of dishes to be done but what I needed was available and ready to start a regular Monday morning.

It felt so good to be in the kitchen preparing breakfast and lunch for my husband again.  Seeing him come up the stairs from his shower, smiling and ready to attack his day, made me feel grateful to be feeling well again.  Not 100% but getting closer.  My belly is a bit pooched and sore from the last week but weigh in this morning  surprised me and gave me just the boost I needed to kick things off!

I wasn't expecting much.  I knew that due to losing over 3lbs from illness meant that my body was going to cling to every calorie that was put back into it.  My expectation was that I'd end up breaking even or maybe with a small loss of less than 1lb.   This morning I was greeted with a -3.4!  Now granted I didn't do a whole lot of anything good to achieve that but I'll take it!  Feels like a bit of a gift after the way the week went. I will need to be careful this week because my body will still be regulating itself and recovering.  Next week will probably be smaller but once again - leave this week behind and look forward to the next goal.  The next 2 lbs.

Goals for the week:

Devo: Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon daily + Practicing His Presence by Brother Lawrence and Frank Laubach while waiting in the pickup line at school.

Home: Decorations down and get the house in basic functioning (and clean) order.

Diet: Daily detox water, small cup of coffee in the morning vs big mug, careful tracking and bumping up the fruit.

Fitness: work out daily- incorporate some Pilates for a few minutes each day plus treadmill or boxing (both are good but one or the other is fine this week...don't over do it!).

*Find an outfit for the holiday party!!  

Proof I'm feeling better.

I always have something on my feet but when I have a sneaker on....there is an extra pep in my step, I move a bit faster....frankly I just move more and feel more productive.   Thus, I am more productive.

Blessings to you for joyous energy in your pursuits!

the Mrs.

2012 can only get better right?

Its been one heck of a week.  Whatever hit my gut last week did a real number on my body and the recovery has felt like a roller coaster.   Each time I thought that I was clearly feeling better it wasn't long before I would get hit right back down.   Today is as consistent I've felt in a week.  No where near 100% but I do feel that at the very least I can function and get a few things done without needing to lay down.  THAT feels good!

Today one of my missions was to get some thoughts organised for the coming week.  I've got two goals for our home - 1) get the house in order - working order, 2) take down the decorations.  This will be my work filter.  No veering off to deep clean a room or reorganize anything.   This week is all about the basics.  Getting into a routine, clearing up clutter and all matter of things that have gone by the way side while mom has been sick.   Mr and the Dude have done an amazing job of taking care of both the house and me.  I am so grateful that they respect what I do and try so hard to not let things pile up!  The help has been wonderful!  But as we all know, when someone else is taking care of our work space things can get shifted around and put back not quite how we would do it and it takes some readjusting to get our space back to where we can work efficiently.  I decided I would need to set a couple of goals to keep me on track as well as to keep me from over doing it.

In other news, it was middle school instrument night this week.  I can't believe the Dude will be in middle school.....baffles my mind how that tiny boy has grown so fast!  So he's wanted to play the violin for a few years now and we just haven't gotten there.  Now he had his first real opportunity to play a host of instruments and see what he thought.  There were teachers and instructors there to show the kids just what to do - how to hold their hands, play notes, etc.  There was a string room, a brass room and a wind room.  SO many instruments!!!   He fell in love with the bass.....we were so surprised!!!  It's SO BIG!  It was a near tie with the violin and the instructor said he was very natural with them both and quickly figured out how to play "hot cross buns" and how many fingers you used to hold the strings down depending on which instrument you used.   It was such fun to see him with these instruments!  He doesn't have to make a final decision until late summer when they will do this again for the kids but he is SO excited!

Last night, Mr was out at a function and Dude brings me a ziplock bag with the most recent lost tooth in it.....ehem......he lost it over a week ago....   Our tooth fairy is fairly delinquent....forgetful and unobservant.  So he dangles this baggie and I stumble for some sort of excuse about how his dresser was so messy "maybe she couldn't find it" and he just smiles and says "Mom, you know I don't believe in the tooth fairy right?  I mean you keep telling me that if it's not mentioned in the Bible that I shouldn't believe it and I don't think God mentioned fairies in the Bible......He also didn't talk about bunnies who sneak into your house to leave candy either......"   My jaw dropped and I cracked up!!   Not one indicator previous to this moment that he'd stopped believing in either!  So he was still dangling this tooth in the air and I said "Well what a relief!  You know parents do this for their kids because their parents did it for them and wonder of it all is so fun when you are little.   ......so, why are you still dangling this tooth in my face?  What do you want me to do with it now?"  D: "uh.....pay me for it, like all the others?" he says with a smirk.   I laughed SO hard!!!!  After he said goodnight, as he went back into his room, he yells over his shoulder "Santa was a man and I still believe in him!!!!"   Kid cracks me up.

I'll be on sometime in the morning to post on weigh in.  I'm very curious to see what happens, food has been a major battle this week with everything that has gone on.  I'm trying to drink lots of water today and flush out all the crud.   I've got my pitcher of detox water made and ready for tomorrow and plan to drink that all this week.  Mr has a holiday party for work on Friday so I need to find something to wear and get myself in shape for that.   Can't wear jeans and that is all I own!!!   Gee.....guess I need to do some shopping...oh, darn.

Blessings to you for health and wellness and a wonderfully positive perspective on the coming week!!
the Mrs.

I fought the good fight...

.....you should see the other guy....he's lookin way better than me.

After my last post (is it really Thursday???) I ended up snuggling with the toilet as I was overcome by some sort of stomach bug.  I have a fairly high tolerance for pain but when it comes to vomiting.....I go from strong woman to whimpering 5 year old girl who wants her mommy, in no time flat.   Fortunately my hero came home from work (on his first day back no less) so he could pick up the Dude from school and take care of me, he also stayed home yesterday.   Which was good because I was in no shape to take care of anything.   He made sure that I had food and stayed hydrated.....he even held the glass and straw for me to drink.

Today I feel as though I went a few rounds with a prize fighter.  Did you know that if you lay across a toilet seat that the length stretches from forehead to sternum?  I do now....and have bruises in both locations, don't make me laugh because it hurts.  Kidneys and joints are sore, oh I am a pretty, pretty picture!   On the positive side....the holiday weight is gone. I'm actually down -3, to my lowest WW weight......I'm doubting it will stay off buuuut food doesn't exactly appeal right now so perhaps that was good timing.

Mr did say I was looking skinny yesterday.....(don't laugh...ow).


Blunt force trauma to the head and chest inflicted by digestive pyrotechnics....that's how I roll people.  Wonder how many activity points that's worth....

Today I am grateful that it is over.   Discomfort is SO much easier to handle.  I'm going to park myself on the couch for a while and hope that some Advil kicks in and try to get the house into a shape resembling normal.

I hope that the first week of the year has started out with a more positive bang for you, or at least an entirely different kind than mine.   I can't believe the week is nearly over already...

Blessings of laughter and health to you and yours,
the Mrs.

a tuesday weigh in

I'm still not feeling well, so this will be quick and to the point.   I have that "I feel like I could puke but I know I'm not going to but now I kinda wish I would so this feeling would go away" kinda feeling.

I was up 1.8 this morning.   Not a great feeling but it could have been worse.

There is all kinds of things I'd like to post right now....encouraging words about how God is always there in His fullness and it is US, not Him, who needs to show up with the fullness of our faith.......goals and such for the year, thoughts on the year past.....the lovely quiet that has fallen over the house and how I JUST noticed it and now realize I have missed that beautiful silence....projects and randoms.

For now, I'll leave that as a blurb for you to contemplate deeply or simply breeze past on your way to whatever your day has for you next.

Blessings for BIG faith in the BIG God who loves you with total and COMPLETE abandon,
the Mrs.

weigh in monday will be brought to you on tuesday......

because I got a cold and I woke up feeling crummy so I went back to sleep and since I am very strict with the scale about what time I weigh in - because if I'm not strict it plays Jedi mind tricks on me - so I will weigh in tomorrow at the appropriate time.

I'm fairly certain that I did not lose an ounce, perhaps gained a few....ounces.....more, but I think surviving the two weeks of Christmas and New Years without gaining POUNDS and managing to hold ground is not so bad. Especially considering I didn't get on the treadmill once and I haven't counted any points at all in that time either.

I'll try not to break my arm whilst patting myself on the back for the excuses that poorly mask the denial that I did not make any efforts toward the rather hefty goal I set for Christmas.

In other Christmas news......it was a great week here!  It was a wonderful week of family.  Both kids in the house always create lots of laughs.  We watched movies, went to movies, ate out and did some AWESOME shopping.   There is an outlet mall near us and if outlet prices are low, the post Christmas outlet prices are insanely low.  It was so much fun to take our gift cards and gifted money to the register only to find the total was much lower than we added up ourselves!  We had lots of bags and came home tired but excited.  A bonus was that I found I was fitting into size 12 jeans in some stores!  I purchased my first two pairs of skinny jeans to wear with my new boots I got for Christmas!  I didn't think they would be as comfortable as they are but I love them!  I've always been teased for having "chicken legs".  When thin, they are certainly an asset but during the round years....well, chicken legs was more truth than anything because round in the middle, ample bosom a top little stick legs.....yep, I certainly fit the descriptor.   Now, they are merging back into an asset and clothes look less awkward and unbalanced if jeans are more fitted than baggy.

FUN moment for me...not sure how the teen felt about it but....I'd been doing loads and loads of laundry and trying to sort out what went to who due to all the new items; she came up from her shower and as she walked past I asked her if the jeans she was wearing were hers.  Confused, she said yes and that she didn't put her new things into the laundry because she loves the "new clothes feel" fresh from the store.  After some comparing, we realized that we both purchased the exact same pair of jeans, from the same store, in the SAME SIZE.   This was a glorious moment for me and I don't think that she was mortified - which was nice.    Though once I keep losing I'm not sure how she will feel.....granted she is at least 6 inches taller than I so the same size on her looks WAY better and she will get all kinds of clothes from me so.....I'm thinking she may not be too upset.

New shoes, fancy tall boots, new jeans, tops and even a button down shirt - which I haven't owned or desired to wear in at least 10 years - all fill my closet now.  I love that my wardrobe has expanded a bit, options are good.   And THAT, right there is the word that sums it up the most.  Losing weight has opened up more options for me.   Shopping has actually become fun again for the first time in more than a decade because I have options.  Shoes that aren't funky tennis shoes are now an option because I have clothes to go with them.  Tops that don't have the sole purpose of hiding me, are now an option.  Belts as an accessory, are now an option.

I was in DSW with Mr.  We were going up and down the same isles dozens of times and he asked me why we were passing the same shoes over and over again.  Did I think somehow they would morph into something else or there would suddenly be a whole other shoe there that wasn't there before?   This is something I find myself doing with everything wearable these days.  I have to look at it several times....because I'm discovering my style, my options, my new viewpoint and perspective.   In the past certain items were looked at and admired but because they weren't a real option I didn't have to think about whether they would actually look good on me or if they fit my personality.....if there was any reason that I would actually wear it.  Now I find myself in the place where I do need to think about that.   Will I actually wear it and when, to what and how often?   The "price per use" factor is what Mr called it and that is exactly what I am considering.   Wasteful accumulation of clothing for the simple purpose of accumulating "stuff" is not where I want to go.  I'm trying not to allow myself to get too crazy......I mean I have YEARS of shopping to make up for!  BUT, I will not.

So Pinterest and Polyvore feed my shopping lust by helping me build a wardrobe on line and figure out what "goes" together.   I'm creating a plan and it's helping me curb my shopping.  This is good.

I'll be back tomorrow with a real weigh in post.   Today I'm just feelin yucky and crudded up, I've got some prep for tomorrow to tackle and I'm still nursing sore arms.  I've gotta change out my purse....my shoulder just refuses to handle it.


the Mrs.

weigh in 9 - better late than never

This will be short.   My body is totally ticked off and my hands are swollen and my limbs are sore from the shoulder down.  While this feels like a food reaction, it also happens simply from over using those muscles.  Leftover weakness from months of pain and immobility from food reactions.

AAAAAnnnyway.

The hopes of continuing to lose great amounts over the holidays have been dashed to pieces with yet another gain - BUT - it is a minimal gain.  +.2    Which I think I could frankly chalk up to water retention and being a girl at that "special" time.  Thankfully that still means I'm holding steady at 169.  YES!

We've had a great Christmas here!  Still no snow which is simply crazy and a total bummer.   Today is shopping day, we are going to a local outlet mall to spend our Christmas money - both Mr and I are in need of new clothes big time!  So we've been waiting for this week!

Hopefully I'll burn lots of extra calories walking the miles of shops today! :)

Blessings to you as we move out of 2011 and into 2012 - for hope and confidence in His good plans for your future!
the Mrs.

Negative Nelly's Receptical

The happy place is not where I have resided recently.   The last couple of days I've been trying to be purposeful about grabbing onto His grace and promises to keep my mind from being dragged down into those dark places where I think I'm in control.

He is.  I am not.  ....this morning as I was getting ready and I was pondering all this, seeking Him out as I washed my face and did my hair....He offered me a glimpse of my error.   As I looked out the bathroom window, silently conversing with Him, the view of the back yard faded.   I saw myself with my arms loaded to the brim, posture tall and confident but pridefully unaware that, with that much in my arms, there was no way to hand something off without dropping everything.  Making a huge mess of all of it.   Next to me He walked, arms at the ready.   Then it morphed into Him joyfully carrying all I had before and there was only one item in my hands at a time.  He, always close, always helping.   I realized what He was telling me.....I have been making it about me.  I've been grasping for control and not wanting to let go of anything.  Here, He gently reveals why I've been so stressed....so overwhelmed.  

I asked His forgiveness and help to remember, to change my focus and mind set.  More than once there was music or a FB post to keep this fresh.

As per usual a purposed change of focus brings out challenges, things and people who poke and prod at that peace.   I started to message my husband with my most recent thought and decided perhaps it was more suited to just blog out.  Processing as I ponder.

Often I reflect on my need to have more grace for people, to be kinder, more understanding, talk less/listen more, more encouraging or more positive.....qualities that lift up.    This morning made me wonder if I need to be tougher....less open, more rude or just what on earth I project that gives people the idea that I am a receptical for their negativity, their baggage, gossip about people I don't know or simply their need to talk about themselves as if - like a garbage can - you only throw things in, you don't take things out.  

In this moment I'm unsure if this is due to some positive character trait that just makes people feel safe around me to be who they are, for good or bad, OR if somewhere along the line "Toss Here" was stamped on my forehead.  Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've simply been exhausted and not in the most peaceful state of mind lately that this line of questioning is coming to me.   Quite honestly, if I think about it, most of my communications revolve around me listening to others......helping to shoulder burdens, counsel them through tough moments, pray with or for them......so much going out in various directions.  Quite honestly, I should probably stop thinking about it.  Like I said before...Jesus came not to be served but to serve.  The depth of me wants to live like this and the humanity of me struggles with the What about me?   It's an ugly place to get stuck in though.

The balance of it is a struggle.  We are human.  Jesus knew the human limitations of this body and mind, He retreated regularly from the crowds......going off to find solitude in the mountains.   I wonder if we had a daily account, a "Dear Diary", if He would do this daily or weekly....how often would He seek out this kind of solitude?  Was it for hours, or did He sometimes need days, weeks?   It would be interesting to know.

He made me a nurturer, a mother hen to anyone in arms reach and He made me strong.  Able to withstand great trials, refining fire, and know that I know in the end I will come out like gold.

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come out like Gold. 

~ Job 23:10

"The key phrase in that statement is "when He has tested me."  You see, there is no hurry-up process for finding and shaping gold.  The process of discovering, processing, purifying and shaping gold is a lengthy, painstaking process.  Affliction is gold int he making for the child of God, and God is the one who determines how long the process takes.  He alone is the Refiner."

~ Charles Swindoll

Blessings to you of love and grace, refined and purified by Him alone, 

the Mrs.

the most un Christmassy Christmas EVER

According to the rest of the world we are supposed to live in the frozen tundra of the north.  People say "Minnesota? It's so cold there! Don't you get like dozens of feet of snow.....it's like Canada right?"

Well, at this moment....it is as brown and gross as ever.  Not a trace of snow.  Temps are in the 20's but we were actually stuck in the 50's with RAIN for a while.  Last year we had a foot of snow for thanksgiving.  Mr has pointed out that the lack of snow has really brought out the lights.....its hard to drive down a road and not see several houses lit up this year.  They were few and far between last year because the snow was so early.

The Dude has taken his plea up with God.  This morning he came out, said good morning and then said "I asked God to make a blizzard last night.......He didn't return the favor."   HA!  Had to explain that there wasn't a favor to return but he wasn't totally awake so he gets a pass for that one.  Still funny tho!

But seriously.....people are getting snow everywhere and we are stuck in this brown, dead wasteland.  Christmas must be white!  There must be an abundance of snow and slippery roads to complain about!  Snow balls and ugly boots needed so we can't wear our cute shoes.   THIS is winter people!

Winter is the Dude's favorite season.  He LOVES the snow, the more the better.  He doesn't really slide or do any winter sports but there is something about the snow - he just adores it.  Lord, if nothing else will you please dump some snow on us just for him??  Maybe do it at a time and in a way that shows him that you heard HIS prayer??  Otherwise he's going to continue to drive me crazy! :)  

This week continues...lots of cleaning and some baking to be done.   I got the DVD The Nativity Story from Netflix for us to watch before Christmas.  As a parent I struggle with explaining things in a way my son can understand.  I am looking forward to seeing how he processes this movie, the questions that he might come up with.....the conversations that it might inspire.  Perhaps moving his faith into something more personal.....he is a technical kid.  Literal and specific.  His faith is still in the details, more knowledge than relationship.

I'm excited to see what else is birthed this season.

Well, I'm off to TJ's today for hopefully the last trip of my own and then back home to clean, work on laundry and make more toffee, chex mix and probably some cookies.....or at least the dough.

Blessings for a fresh, new, swaddled faith this season,
the Mrs.

not just a tuesday

Today is shopping day.  Groceries and home supplies, anything that needs to be "shopped" for is done on Tuesday.   Normally that means about 3-4 stores and if I need to go to Trader Joes I slip that in on another day in the morning.   Most of the stores I visit each week are clustered near each other and TJs is in a whole other city.  So it gets its own day to save time and gas.  

I try to organize my shopping in a kind of loop, conserving time and gas so that I'm not running a crazy zig zag pattern all over town.  Bringing my own bags helps, Aldi charges for them and Target gives you a 5cents per bag credit on your total.  It's like a coupon!  I love it. 

Yesterday I spent the day in list mode.....I currently have 6 lists going.  A grocery list, a "gifts left to buy" list - which will go with me and the grocery list today to be taken care of; a list for Sam's Club later this week for Christmas dinner essentials; one for regular household things that need to be done and another for all the "company is coming the day after we will be running around for 2 days" list - this is the planning ahead to keep my sanity list; and finally there is the list of dinners and what to expect in the evenings...mostly a "will dad be home or not" list.

These are all posted on the kitchen wall so people can help out and so I have a central place to look - an IN sight IN mind kind of thing.

My ordinarily efficient 2 hours of shopping this morning I assume will be less efficient and a tad more crowded.  The routine is that I drop the Dude off at school and then head straight to the stores.  I'll be doing the same today but I'll be shopping for more groceries than usual, as well as finishing the gift shopping and stopping at the new Goodwill to see if I can find some holiday tops for us.

When I am out on these days I try to keep to my morning time - in the summer I head out even earlier.  Mornings are quiet, the staff hasn't been too stressed at this point and the required "customer within X number of feet away" greeting is friendly and genuine.  I don't feel rushed or crowded, I can offer the people I meet with a friendly hello and get to know them just a bit.  At the checkout lanes, because it isn't busy, anyone with less than I have in my cart gets the offer to go in front of me.   There are little blessings that can be offered as we go about our business. 

Too often I notice the entitlement and lack of courtesy to employees.  Retail workers have the most thankless job.  They are often treated as lowly, they take the brunt of customers frustration for decisions that are not in their control, they have to clean up the messes that people leave because they were too lazy to throw out their garbage (in the clearly labeled receptacle) or put their cart back where it belongs.   Because I do my shopping on the same day and time of the week I see the same shifts of people.  I hear about grandchildren being born, cancer treatments leaving them tired (but still working a standing job behind the register), deer eating up the garden, the stress and pressure of high volumes of customers and not enough workers.....not to mention the attitude of those customers.   I hear the good and the bad, the smiles and the tears.  These are human beings with lives and families and they deserve to be treated with respect.

For me, it is a part of my weekly shopping plan to be as friendly as possible to these good people.  To take care of a stray cart or two, to fix a product or rehang a shirt, ask about a new baby or how things are going.  

Jesus came not be served but to serve.  Make the most of your encounters.  Be responsible with your words and your actions.  Be courteous as you are out and about and remember that if you put something back where it doesn't belong.....someone else has to do it for you.   Hmm....as mom's isn't that what we repeatedly tell our kids?   "Put your things back where they belong, I shouldn't have to clean up after you"....if only we all remembered that as adults.

Blessings to you today for the vision to see the unseen, to notice the small and spread good cheer, 

the Mrs.

Weigh in Monday 8 - setback

After a long week of stressing out, grieving my mother's birthday and......well, lets face it....emotional eating.   I am less surprised and more disappointed in myself for having achieved a +.4 this week.

Yuck.  + is ugly.

BUT we don't focus on failure here, mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, not to dwell on the negative.  It is only .4 and I didn't go back up into the 70's.  That is a GOOD THING.

So.....what have I learned this week?  When I'm feeling bummed and overwhelmed at the same time....I gravitate toward eating.....salty, crunchy and sweet comforting foods.  Mentally, I start to check out and not think about the goal, the big picture.  The prime time for cheating....when I spend too much time alone and there is no one to witness....then it didn't happen.  Actually if I'm really honest....it's when Mr isn't home.  "If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around, does it make a sound?"

Confession:  I had chips and salsa several times, guac too - no measuring or counting.  I ate candy and pretended I didn't.  I didn't drink enough water and not nearly enough fruit. I didn't track my points more than 50% of this last week and I only got on the treadmill 2-3 times and for less time than I would normally.

I know exactly what went wrong.   Now, I need to apply it to this coming week.  I need to get organized and make sure I have some safety nets, meals planned so I don't have to think.  This time of year gets a tad crazy....Mr says I tend to get overwhelmed by whatever area it is I think I'm falling short in.  The season of "busy", preparing and planning, combined with the lingering emptiness of a missed loved one....apparently puts me in a tender and easily overwhelmed place this time of year.

Just one more thing that makes me love that man abundantly.  Even when I am not aware, he is paying attention and trying to piece together what my needs are, even when I am not aware I am in need.  LOVE him.

So, this week.....no, TODAY.....I need to spend time making lists.  What to do, what to prepare and what to eat.....It's preparation day.  Time to set up boarders and safety nets.  The more unburdened my mind is the better I do.

And this is a week my mind should be unburdened.  This should be a week of dwelling on my Savior.  Pondering His birth, His choice to come here to this little blue ball He created (and we messed up), to be one of us.  To be among us.   To feel and be like one of us and show us how things could be.  It is a week that should be filled with anticipation for my Lord and Love....as every day should be.....but its Christmas....a time when the world participates in celebrating the King of Kings and even if they deny Him.....they are at the party.  They can't fight it or hide it and if they are participating in Christmas at all.....they're still at the party.  Maybe on the outskirts, perhaps the wall flowers but they are watching us.  Live your witness to Him who saved you.....and they will see.

Blessings to you for a week of preparation.....for holidays, for life, for love, for Him,
the Mrs.

an awwwwww for your weekend...

Our littlest dog is Teddy.  He is about 7ish pounds and a total momma's boy.  Last night as we were all hanging out in the living room and he got tired of playing...he nestled himself on the pillow next to me with his toy.

This toy is about 1/3 his size but he loves it....

Yup, he is the cutest.

Blessings for your weekend,
the Mrs.

help arrived

Sometimes all the little stresses snowball into something big and overwhelming.  They get tangled and jumbled up together, hard to tell where one issue starts and another one ends....more menacing and powerful than if they just lined up nicely as individuals.   Seems they like to attack on just the right days...the weak ones.

Mr knows that sometimes the calendar creeps up on me.  It and some deep part of my mind or spirit get together and have things timed.  Often I am not even aware of the collaboration until I am reacting, feeling, the anniversary.   It's funny how it happens....in an ironic, questioning my sanity, kind of way....I start noticing that tears come more easily and for things that ordinarily wouldn't trigger them.  I start wondering if somehow I've completely lost track of time and the PMS monster has arrived...when I realize that it hasn't I then wonder some more.

Mr stayed home with me yesterday.  He knows me well.  Staying home to help me catch up around the house, cross things off my list....might seem like something small but to me it is huge.  Clutter got cleared, things got cleaned, donated and delivered.  Discussions and decisions made.....weights lifted.  I still feel gloomy, tired, and the weather we've had is not helping.  ALL the snow is gone, it's been rainy and yucky out.  No trace of sun - though there was a tiny moment this morning when it showed its radiant face...hoping we get more snow soon.

There was also a glimpse into how some days it's hard to get things done.  One extra phone call can change the overall productivity of the whole day because there is a guarantee that I will have one excessively long call in my day.   No matter how good, wanted, filling and nurturing a second call is.....there is little I can do while on the phone.  Due to the nature of my brain injury, any distraction means I have no idea what the person on the phone said.  So often, if I'm on the phone, I need to just sit and participate, listen actively and focus.  Mr got to witness this yesterday - I'm not much of a phone person and if I do take a call it is always during the day - less distractions and it is quiet - so for him to see me on the phone is rare.

Today I'll be trying to get more done around here....the main goal is to actually get on the treadmill.  I haven't been in the last 3 days.   That's the longest I've gone in more than a month or so, I think.  That's going to make it really tough to hit that 2.9......but we'll see.  I'm heading off to help a friend this afternoon and sit with her twins - one of which is our god-daughter - so she can run some errands and get out of the house.  They are just the cutest girls and such good babies!

I have 45 minutes until phone call time.....I must go run....or at least walk fast on the treadmill.

Blessings for joyful productivity in your day,
the Mrs.

circuits are overloaded....system shutting down in 3.....2....1.... Something's gotta give.

Ever feel like you need someone to hold your hand just to make it through the day?

What happens when the helper is spread too thin?

As I wound my way through isles and stores this morning, I found myself near tears too often....silently crying out to Him to lift the burdens.   My mind went to that rock Moses struck (Exodus 17:1-7) and water poured out for the people who were thirsty..... Rocks are made of solid, near unbreakable substance....formed ages ago and filled with markers of time.   Moses struck the rock with a staff.....a piece of wood, something so much weaker than the rock itself and it split, pouring forth fresh water to quench the thirst of those who were grumbling and needy.

I can only hope that when I split it is the Lord's living water that pours forth.

While I may be compared to or referred to as the "rock" I am all too aware of my limitations.  Its funny how some things occur to you but not until someone else speaks them out loud does it become a concept real enough to acknowledge.

"Prayer Warrior" is another label people place on me.  I am blessed with gifts that do fit this description but I am more than my gifts.  I fight the label because the label limits me....even more so it limits the perception of how God may choose to use me....or anyone else for that matter.  God has no limits.  For more than a year I was the lone prayer minister at our little church.  The burdens started getting too heavy, combining with the burdens I already have....the ones that accumulate daily and I struggle to keep straight.   I was sharing with a friend about how I felt on the verge of snapping from the weight of it all and that the only answer I felt was coming was that I needed to stop being the prayer minister.  The idea of leaving our congregation without this service left me with the pressure of enormous guilt.  But what good is a prayer minister that is so burdened that she doesn't have the properly prepared heart to intercede for others the way that they deserve?  The way He asks.  One Sunday as I approached to pray with the worship team before service, our pastor came down the stairs and called me to the side....I cracked.  He didn't know that as I approached I was silently begging the Lord to relieve me...to rescue me....in that moment it was like He'd thrown me a life preserver.  He heard my cry.   My pastor was thrown off by my response....tears started to stream down my cheeks as I told him how weary I was and that I was struggling.

I don't remember the time line but at some point after all this my friend who I had confided in said that she was thinking about the situation one day and it struck her how obvious it was that I would be so tired, so burned out.  This thought had occurred to me before but it wasn't until she spoke it that it became worth acknowledging.  She went on to tell me how if anyone needed me, I was there...mentoring and providing wisdom or a listening ear to a neighborhood young man, a friend or whomever crossed my path.  That daily I put in an hour or more with my father on the phone, assessing, listening and checking in with him on how he is doing but the conversation, the flow, is very one sided.  I am advocating for our son, monitoring speech patterns, deciphering what on earth the teachers are seeing or hearing. Caring for our home, monitoring my food and symptoms, caring for my husband, being a step mom to a teenager who is all too quickly growing up pouring into my family to fill them up so that they are better equipped, when they leave our home, to battle the world they encounter......she went on about all the things that pour out of me in various directions.  I got tired just listening to her.  All these things individually are small......but together cause the mind to be constantly in motion....

Pride is my weakness so I've tried to not cling too tightly to the praise of that conversation and instead tried to be more aware of where I am giving the best of myself.  My family deserves my best, everyone else should get the leftovers.  So which is it that I'm providing my family?

Today I feel I've run out of best.  I'm running on left overs.  Yesterday I found myself both exhausted and ravenous.  My mind alternating between filling up with too much to sort out and going blank.   I am capable of so much more.......but find myself feeling like an outlet with too many things plugged into it...drained.  Today I see that was a symptom......

tomorrow would have been my mother's birthday.  

I don't want to feel the burden, every time I go to church, of the absence of the position I filled or have to keep saying no to praying with people.....the look I get in return, questions how someone so "gifted" like me could not.    Which only serves to back why I say no.   It's not about me.  It became too much about me....which was a whole other burden.  My gift should not become my identity.  My gift should not become your god......and in some instances, for some people, it did.  Therefore, I must stand immovable and say no....I feel the guilt, maybe some judgement, heaped on my head like coals but I will not stand in His way.  When the Lord says to step down, step down is what I do.

Juggling is not my forte.  Currently there are too many objects and situations in the air and I can't keep up.  I look around my home and that is always the best indicator of my mind being too overtaken.  A list of people and things.....situations....on a loop in my mind.  Researching school for the Dude next year...home school?  Teenage boy friends, co-parenting and trying to stay in the loop...stay connected.  Senior father who doesn't seem to realize the world doesn't revolve around him....or the 1 grandchild he pays attention to out of 5.  Christmas shopping I haven't done, the grand plans for fun and baking, the 12 days of Christmas surprise I was hoping to pull of for my Mr....  Trying to sort out current school issues....managing symptoms of allergies and trying to figure out how, when and where to get him tested, a dog who is going deaf and possibly having night time accidents...taking care of my own food junk and trying to lose weight.  Holiday parties and gatherings to plan.....family dynamics and drama and I just don't have the energy for it.  The list just keeps growing and I'm struggling to even remember what all is on it.....I feel helpless with our son...not supportive or encouraging enough of my husband during stressful times at work....I know something has to give.  But what?

Today is just one day.  A day where quotes like "I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed" just don't hit the mark....counting my blessings make me smile but don't lift the burden....my Lord gives me peace that this too shall pass and that He will help me....but frustration and confusion linger.

Even the rocks cry out.   We are stronger at our weakest.  He is bigger than it all.

Blessings,
the Mrs.

Weigh in Monday 7 - on to the next set of 10s!

My Monday mojo is groovin today, I am SO ready to get this week started off right.  Last week was anything but productive as I still have junk and projects strewn about unfinished and I think we know how my insanity level skyrockets when there is clutter......oh yes, I think we do.

So I've got a catch up list going and I don't know that I can get it all done today but you can be darn tootin sure I'm gonna try.  Yeah....I said tootin.....you can giggle....I am.

SO - on to the main topic of this fine day!

I scored a -1.2 this week!  Which frankly leaves me feeling VERY happy due to my poor decision making on Saturday night.   We made homemade pizza for dinner.  Gluten free pizza crust from a mix and my choice in toppings was great - nice thin layer of sauce, chopped green pepper, diced tomato, sun-dried tomato bits, green olives and a very very thin layer of finely shredded cheese.   What I didn't take into consideration is that portion wise, while it was a small pizza, certainly personal size and the crust was thin......it was probably twice the amount I'm used to eating in one sitting and normally at least 50% of what I eat is a vegetable or fruit.

So I ended up feeling like my guts were made of iron for the rest of the night.  The next morning, Sunday, I'd actually gained a pound (from the previous Monday's weight) and spent yesterday thinking I'd messed up my whole week with one meal.  I worked out for about 2 hours - 100 minutes on the treadmill and some wii boxing. I carefully monitored what I ate and when we went out for dinner last night with friends, I asked for: White rice, asparagus and sauteed mushrooms.  When I got it, I cut up the asparagus into small bites and mixed the whole lot together.  It was actually very good!  Filling and few points.

I would have been happy with even one pound lost so to have gone over that is great!  Now this week I need to learn from that and make sure that in every plate of food I am careful to monitor my portions.

Stats so far:
Lost this week: 1.2 - bringing me to 169!!!  Yay 60's!!
Total lost since start of WW (5/23/11):  23.2
Total lost since October 24 (new goal new attitude): 12.2    (well isn't that interesting? I've lost half my total since I adjusted my goals and attitude, in less time than the first half....hmmm)
Total left to go: 39

And the mini goal was to hit a total loss of 29lbs by December 26th, leaving 5.8 lbs to lose in order to meet that goal.   Can I do 5.8 in two weeks? That's a short term goal of -2.9 two weeks in a row!  Holy cow.  I guess we will see!

It is really cool to see the stats like that.  I get frustrated that my middle isn't shrinking as fast as the rest and therefore not exactly showing my progress well.   My support and encouragement is coming primarily from my husband because....apparently its frowned on to compliment a woman on her weight loss?  I don't know.  My poor Mr has been in so many awkward situations where he gets these over the top compliments and I get nothing.  He wants so much for me to be encouraged and he is doing an amazing job of encouraging me!  I am eating up all the compliments he is showering on me.  I love it!  We all know though, that getting a compliment from outside the home - from people who don't see you on a daily basis, the difference should be really noticeable right?  - it carries a different significance to it.  It's like verbal proof of the accomplishment so far.  I guess I just get to look forward to those moments...  So far, they just aren't happening.   I was discouraged yesterday.....well, maybe not discouraged but a little wounded, after one more of those awkward moments.  A kind friend tried valiantly to save it and it was still a tremendous jab.  At some point, someone will have to notice.  Right?


On to the next 2 pounds!  Last week is behind me and it's time again to strive forward toward the next goal!!

Blessings for a motivational kicker Monday!
the Mrs.