Who sets the pace?

There is this standard....one that is blurry and confusing.  It's taught in every church and yet, it never looks the same.  It is discussed in every small group and is in the heart of every follower of Christ.  It pokes at our guilt and doesn't fit in a nice, neat, easily defined box.  We use it to judge and put fellow followers down.  We use it to falsely elevate and comfort ourselves into believing we have it right.  We quietly use it to dismantle the fabric of our faith and change what was done into what we need to do.

What is my life supposed to look like if I'm living for You?  Not in a dusty sandals kind of way but in this messed up culture of technology and distraction.....what is it supposed to look like now?  Not by culture or by group, by city or by church....just by me....what is MINE supposed to look like?  

How often do we compare someone else's outward faith to our own?  We see that Susie, and Bonnie, and Blair all are disciplined in a morning routine of devotion.  They regularly post a scripture they read that morning and appear to be the epitome of humble perfection.   Then there is Lisa and Donna and Carrie....from outward appearances (because lets face it regardless of who you are seeing, that is ALL you are seeing) they participate in bible studies, talk about morning quiet time, are perfectly put together and yet they are emasculating to their husbands and they gossip but boy can they serve coffee with a smile at church.  You could pick out a whole other group who can speak deeply about the Lord and use His name in vain in the next sentence.  With no hesitation to curse or speak badly of another.  

No matter how "perfect" or "flawed" our fellow follower is....the vision of what our own faith in action is supposed to look like is flawed.  No two of us are the same.  We are each unique, our lives, our personalities and our histories.  So how on earth would my faith take the shape naturally to be like someone else's?  Not one of my friends has a brain injury.  Scripture speaking about coming to the Lord "in the morning", church, books, people and all manner of resources talking about how we are to wake early in the morning and meet with Him because that is what is right.......and then there is the "first fruits" of our time.  Does first fruits mean simply the first moments or the best moments?   Was it the first actual fruits harvested or was it the best of the best of the harvest?  My best is not in the morning.  I'm frankly not sure when my best is or if it's even at the same time each day.  So in my random chaos of a mind....what is my best?  What and when are my first fruit moments?  

I've spoken previously about a desire to be ceaseless with Him.  My desire does not wane but my behavior does.  I am easily distracted and driven off course.....tossed to and fro by the waves.  I would love to be disciplined like other women I know, those who have that set time and place where they sit to read His Word and talk with Him.  It is not something that comes naturally to me.   It is forced and uncomfortable because it doesn't feel genuine.  I've heard people speak about how some things you just need to do, before the feeling comes and it feels natural.  I get that....but I don't know how to get past the feeling that it is dishonoring to Him to force something like that.  Does it then become legalism from a lukewarm heart?

Is that what it is supposed to look like for me?  Is a morning "devotion" time what He wants for me?  Does He want that kind of action to be a part of my faith life?  Or is it His plan for me to be random?  Am I being tossed by the waves or am I giving myself over to move where and how He wants me to?  Am I seeing my faith through the eyes of my Father or the eyes around me?  Perhaps that spiritual fire doesn't burn the same in each of us.....because it isn't meant to?   What if some of us are meant to burn bright and crackly....noisemakers for God and some are meant to burn deeply....quiet and consistent....an understated heat that keeps the flame going for others....so they can dance with a colored light or shoot off loud crackling sparks?  

Lately I keep hearing messages that feel the the push of "should".   How we should love.  How we should minister.  How we should reach out.  They are all good messages.  All deeply good and right things to preach.  .....but.....inside....it makes something in my spirit twist.  My mind rings with do not conform.....because would He have created us each so lovingly, interestingly, different if He wanted us to conform to one way, one idea of how to do things?   Do not conform to this world can mean more than just the Godless worldling society.....it can also mean conforming to man's boxed idea of how a Christ Follower should function.   It feels like something is missing....some genuine connection to the reality of relationship.  

I love my husband more than air.  It is a love that burns deeply even when we don't speak for hours, I know he is there, I know he loves me and I do not doubt it.  Because I deeply respect him, I do not speak badly of him when he isn't around....I do not curse his name, or behave differently simply because he isn't in the room.  I remain myself - striving to be consistently me (for good or bad) no matter who is around.  Perhaps its the brain injury that makes me this way but I often wonder why others are not the same.  They behave differently depending on who they are with.....they put down their husbands, children or whomever, simply because the other isn't physically present.   I see people make statements on facebook about their children, about wanting to get away from them, how annoying they are or just insulting them.....and I get sick to my stomach because these statements are actually visible to those children.   Why?  How are people so unaware of their words?  

As Christ Followers, it's similar....but worse.   If you actually believe, would you drop the F-bomb right in the face of Jesus?  Cuz...ya just did.   He doesn't just appear like a genie at your beck and call, only to hear what you say at those times.  He is ALWAYS present.  Always hears.  Every curse and every prayer.  He hears every condemning thought you utter in the silence of your mind, every negative word you utter about your spouse, friend or child.....or the stranger in the checkout lane.  EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM MATTER.  They are not dismissed, they are heard and echo in heaven. 

No wonder we can't find common ground.  No wonder we can't find unity in the body of Christ.  The 10 commandments were helps, guides, bumpers on the path to the heavenly pins.  But.....gee those are old....that old testament stuff well, Jesus came so we really don't need that stuff anymore right?  No.  He adhered to them.  He followed them.  We are supposed to follow Him.  When did rules become evil infringements on our rights?  When did we stop realizing that rules are to protect, not to hurt?  

When will we get it together and realize that your walk and my walk are on the same path but our stride is different?  We wear different shoes.  Some walk fast and others slow.  Some have a limp and some run wild.  Some fall.  We are supposed to pick each other up and smile, hug and love and point in the right direction....and then let them go back on their way....not tether them to our side trying to teach them to walk the way we do.   

Jesus, what is my walk supposed to look like?  What is the measure of my stride supposed to be?  Fix my pace and my gate to fit Your plan for my walk.  I don't want to tether anyone to me Lord.  Help me to walk with others when You want me to and to walk alone when You've set that time to be just for You and I.  Help me to know one from the other Lord.  Keep the stones from my hands, I have no right to cast even one.  As others pass me, help me to cheer them on.  When others fall in my path, help me to take their hand and pull them up with love and compassion, urge them to move forward and leave the past behind.  Remind me to constantly drop seeds of joy on my way and to always, always pull weeds by the root.  Don't ever let me believe the lie that you are not walking with me just as intimately as every other person on this path.  I am never higher or lower than anyone else.  May I never be too proud to let someone else help me up when I fall.  

Blessings on your walk with Him, may He set your pace and show you that it is yours alone.

the Mrs.

life is crazy. God is good.

What a week!

The Dude came home last Thursday hit by a truck of a bug and quickly hit a 103 fever.  He has been sick ever since and until today, just kept getting worse instead of better.  Urgent care on Saturday and a doctors appointment yesterday....all tests ran were negative - which is a positive.  

Instead of getting better, last night he got worse.  Labored breathing and a sore chest.....a trip to the ER was recommended by the on-call doc.

His O2 levels were up and down; 94 up to 96 and down to 92.

I now have a pharmacy on my kitchen table.  Antibiotics, inhaler, steroid, codeine cough syrup, motrin....today the exhaustion is bringing out the drug jokes.  He thinks they are funny so that's a good sign.

It was scary watching him struggle.  Closing his eyes to focus on breathing in and out as tears slowly rolled from the corners of his eyes.  So proud of how calm he was, how intelligent he responded in the car when I asked him how he was doing "If I focus on something it helps" so I watched him in the dark, mouth the words to the country song on the radio with his eyes closed and seat reclined.  He stayed calm.  It was a clear mark of growth in him.....gone was the boy who would panic at the thought of the unexpected.  Blood draws, finger pricks, urine samples, chest x-ray, EKG......all clear and he was calm.  The longer we were there, the better he seemed to get.  After 5 hours of tests and waiting (2am) we were exhausted.  Mr and I started to feel silly and wonder if we'd over reacted and ran through random what ifs.  As our Dude tried to sleep, I put my head down on my Mr's knee for a moment and lifted a few more please and thank yous to the Lord.  The stress, fog and exhaustion cleared for a moment and I looked up at Mr...."People are praying.  People are praying that this illness will have no effect, that tests will be clear, that there will be nothing found and that he will get better and that it will be nothing.  People are praying and He answered.  That's why he's gotten better, that's why we are sitting here feeling like we shouldn't have come.  Prayers were answered."  And just as suddenly, the waves of nausea I'd been fighting since we walked in - were gone, the faint feeling I'd been begging Him to take away, was gone.  I knew that once again my amazing God came through for us.

God always answers prayers.  Not always the way we want Him to or think He will, but always there is an answer.  Sometimes we just have to look at things a little differently.....from a more heavenly angle.

This momma is exhausted.  Someone has left some pretty decent sized matching luggage under my eyes and my inner crazy lady appears to be making her way outward.  Humor is good people.  On the upside I did keep my "freak out on the inside" as per our family rule.  Its the best line from a bad movie..."Keep your freak out on the inside.  When you freak out on the outside that's when people die."  You know, in movies theres always the calm collected person who survives and the people who freeze and freak out get killed by the weird aliens or whatever.  Yes, we apply movies to real life a lot.  Humor helps reality.

Blessings to you for minimal freak outs, a smooth and gloriously uneventful weekend.
the Mrs.

confession

I'm a fairly black and white person.  Something is either right or wrong, true or false, good or bad.  Though, there are also things that I am unqualified to know.  Things I won't weigh in on which frustrates my husband to no end.  My standard answer to those topics "That's for God to decide when it's time, not me."  I'm not trying to get out of a tight spot or avoid giving a controversial opinion....it is genuinely how I feel.  God is the ultimate judge and there are some things that simply are to big for my small human mind to wrap itself around.  And who am I know think I know the mind of my God with certainty?

I hate the conversation of being judgmental.  I honestly do.  It is filled with snares and stumbling blocks and faintly defined borderlines between judgment and conviction, condemnation and accountability, superiority and humility.  I fall into each and every trap with the best of intentions.  I hold myself to a high standard and quite honestly find myself too often in a place of wonder.  I wonder if my standards are higher than others.  If I've somehow misunderstood what the conduct of a Christ follower should be.  Why I am so often surprised by people who call themselves Christians but behave like they've never met Christ.....and in some cases like they've never heard of Him.   I wonder what it is about me that my mind is so easily blown by the Choose Your Own Adventure Christians, you know the ones that know what the bible says but only live by and believe in the principals they choose to be worthy....or maybe easy is more accurate.

Is it good or bad that it doesn't occur to me that a Christ follower would not control their language?  It really never ceases to shock me that people who in every aspect of their visible walk to the world seem to be so close in relationship to Christ and then they take the Lord's name in vain in open conversation.   Curses just fall out of their mouths without shame, hesitation or apology.  

Language.  Why the Lord has it so pressed into my feeble mind and heart to pay attention to it, I don't know.  Yet there it is.   The structure of a sentence - is it focused on the positive or the negative?  A comment - does it cut down or build up?  A conversation or story - where is the focus, on the circumstance or the person?  Helpless or helpful?   End of the world or joyful in all circumstances?   Are 4 letter words being spoken out of heightened emotion or is it just part of their vocabulary?

It makes me sad, confused and at the same time totally convicted because I don't want to stand in judgment of someone else's walk.  We are all in different places and we are all in various seasons in life and learning.  It nags me though, honestly.   My heart is stabbed when another throws God's name around in vain but when another Christ follower does it....I don't know that I have the right words to even describe what that feels like.  Not just that my heart is offended, my spirit sickened but that in the biggest more important context - it has not even occurred to them how they hurt Him!  Has it?   If it had wouldn't they stop?  I am brought to silence each and every time, my mind screeches to a halt and my tongue goes dead.  Then my mind explodes in different directions my mouth cannot even articulate.  Do they know what they just said?  Why did they say it?  Have they considered how the use of His name in that way negates anything they say to His glory?  How can you boast about God's goodness while using His name to curse?   What does it say to the world if His representatives are spewing curse words?  What if the only thing they do is whine and complain in negative language the way the Worldlings do?  What distinguishes them, sets them apart?  

The Lord gives hope to the hopeless.  So why do so many seem unable to apply this to their lives??

It plagues me.  I have yet to learn how to calm my mind quickly enough to free up my mouth to say anything. To gain control of my shock so that whatever words I might deliver would be delivered in a loving way and not in a condemning tone.  I hate that in those weak moments where I'm knocked off balance my pride can get elevated and my attitude can get judgy.  It is in these moments where sadness hits me and I think.....its no wonder we all get such a bad rap.  We just don't represent Him well.

The silver lining in it all.....He is perfect where we are not.  His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in our weakness.  He is good.  He is the source for any goodness we embody.  He is the resource for our change.  He created us in His image, so there is not one of us that is unable to change and grow.  Not one of us is beyond help, it's never too late to change an attitude or a life.  Free will.  We all have a choice....we just have to make one.

Blessings of strength to chose Him in everything, embrace His grace and remain weak enough that you are required to cling to Him for strength beyond yourself.
the Mrs.

Mark me tardy...

...or maybe absent is more like it.  My mind has been focused on all the stations of transition in our lives right now.  Lots of changes, some big and some small but all are important.

The biggest transition....the biggest change....is that my husband is changing careers.  Not just his job.  This has been a dream of his for nearly a decade.  The Lord orchestrated this timing perfectly and all the doors were flung open for him and the support that rallied around him was so encouraging.  This will be a very felt transition for the whole family.  He won't be just changing buildings or offices.  He will have 4 months of intense study and training - right here in our basement, taking all the classes and tests on-line through the company.  It means creating a working, functioning office space for him.  It means a diminished income (but we've been planning and saving for this possible opportunity for many years and have a plan), tightening the belts and making choices more thoughtfully.  It means he will be home, the commute from home to work will be mere seconds.  It means lunches and hugs and learning to respect each others work and work space while sharing it.  It means new schedules and volume levels.   It means a lot of unknowns and that our attitudes will need to be chosen wisely.  It means a big huge transition for him physically and mentally.

The school year means transitioning from seeing our daughter frequently, to very little.  Its hard.  Hard to have to miss out on the little things we will never get to be part of.  Morning routines and kitchen door send offs.  It means more phone calls and facebooking.  Catching up on the details of her life after the fact.

The school year also means our Dude is in the middle of his own big transition.  It's waking up earlier, riding a bus, learning to navigate the hallways and get to classes on time.  Dealing with stubborn lockers and learning to play an instrument.  Making friends and finding his place.  Starting a new youth program and meeting new leaders and students.

For me it means supporting all these people I love so much.   It means being aware of where we all are, what the needs are of our family and making sure that the tone set in our home is one that gives them comfort.  Making sure that home is a place where they can decompress, relax, refresh and restore from all that stuff that goes on in their day.  A place where they can feel free to talk it all through and know that there is someone who is going to listen, help them find a solution or just simply understand the frustration.   A place full of hugs and sometimes cookies but always a place where they feel safe to be who they are and have a voice to say what it is they are feeling.

Gosh, even the house itself has gone through some big changes.  Dude's room was redecorated.  Living room got new furniture and everything was moved around.  All the furniture moving changed out a couple of pieces in the dining area.  The basement has had a huge face lift just from trading the furniture out and moving everything around.  There was another great purge and a trailer load of stuff was brought to the dump.  The garage got cleaned out and totally reorganized.

The Great Purge of 2012 seems to go so far beyond just the stuff we are getting rid of.  Old selves are being cast off.  Weight is being lost both physically and mentally.  Attitudes are shifting and there is great growth happening.  Its an interesting place in life.  Only the Lord knows what else this season will bring.

Blessings of flexibility and patience to endure the shifting seasons with grace and wisdom,
the Mrs.

peace in the season

It feels odd to be in such a state of peace as we move closer to changes and transitions....excited even.

There is a quietness that is settled over me.  As programs are rolled out for the fall church season and friends start asking what we will participate in.....I quietly and confidently say "I don't know".  Because, I don't.  I don't know what fall will bring, I don't know what middle school will look like for Dude.  Will he need the down time, more time for homework or will he want to do after school programs?   I don't know.....neither do I feel a strong pull toward anything.  I simply feel this calm and an ease to go with the flow.  That during this season in life I am not to make commitments.

Its a funny feeling to finally feel this settled in my spirit...makes me want to laugh.....perhaps that's the joy bubbling up.  I love the season we are in!

I'm excited for our daughter that she is going to be a junior!  That she is really coming into her own and has found she loves drama and is actually excited about tryouts.  That she's excited about prom already and that she seems to have a new confidence and ease about her.

I'm excited for what middle school will be like for our son.  Granted there are many prayers for him that it is NOTHING like my own experience.  I love that he is so excited for the opportunities....all the clubs and extras that he wants to participate in (though I have a feeling we will have a conversation about how he can't do them all).  I love that he is so relaxed, so at ease and confident at his age.  It blows my mind.  No nervousness at all....he never has.  First day of school?  Mom, get a grip, it's no big deal, I can walk myself in.  Every year, not once, not even pre-school or kindergarten, would he let me walk him into class.  He wanted to do it on his own.  The first few years I think it was me who needed my hand held but now, he's taught me over the years that his first day experience is so much different than my own.  Mine were full of nerves and questions and what-ifs...but his, relaxed and go with the flow.

As parents, its a new season for us.  Our kids are so self sufficient now that I sometimes need to remind myself.  We don't need babysitters anymore.  That is so weird!  The need for us to do things for them has changed and now what they need from us is guidance and teaching to do things on their own, building up their skill set.  Its a great mental shift for mom.

I've been working on transitioning our home to better suit older kids and make the basement area function better for them to have friends over.  It used to be the grown up hang out and now it's all about the kids.  Gotta make it cool!

The household diet is changing so the menus will be changing, the day of the week I shop on has changed and what I buy has changed.

So many areas of transition.
Such great peace.

Blessings of anticipation for what the Lord has in store for you and protection from the desire to do anything but go with it.
the Mrs.

the one with the 5 in the middle

I haven't wanted to totally jinx myself.
To say it out loud and claim it for fear it would become elusive again.

But I've seen it....that number with the mythical 5 in the middle.....and it didn't go anywhere.

one 5 nine

Its a 5.  Not a 6.  But a 5!  That six got kicked in the arse and has made its way off to who cares where!

It was last week....Bon Jovi started to sing to me in my head about living on a prayer and being half way there.  It was delightful.

I've since changed my weigh in methods.  Numbers don't compute or stay well in my brain.  My scale has memory functions and keeps track of my start weight, goal weight and 5 saved weigh ins at a time.  It tells me how much I've lost total and how much I have left to lose.  I was only saving my weight on Mondays and then periodically weighing in during the week to check in on how things were moving.  The frustrating part would be the days that I would be down over 2lbs but at the end of the week the saved weight didn't show that highlight - or that after the good drop I'd gained back some.   So, my new method: weigh in several times a week as I remember - but always on Mondays.  When there is a good successful drop Save THAT one and track from that point to maintain motivation and drive - as well as the reward of success in hitting that save button on a good note!  Those are the only numbers that get saved though.  Only the good ones.  So if I start to slip up....the scale feedback builds.  Instead of a +.2 one week and then next being a +.1.2 I'll get the total of +1.4 so my brain will SEE that it's not JUST a small gain this week but SEE the accumulation of how far from that success point I am getting.  To me that is more motivating - to be able to hit the save button again! :)

Oh 5, you are ever so lovely.

Added bonus.....I gave my daughter 3 pairs of my jeans.  They required a belt and were saggy and baggy...totally unflattering and I wasn't going to wear them anymore.   She's been waiting for that moment.  She's already worn all three pairs.  They look better on her anyway.  She's 8 inches taller than I and they hit all the right places on her slender but curvy teen bod.  I'm still pretty boxy in the middle.  I think I accidentally got a mans rib cage, for a short chick I've always had this broad ribcage.   Granted it does wonders for the 'girls' but really.....they don't need assistance the way they did in high school.  Once school starts the Mr and I will be having a little shopping day of our own.  I only have 3 pair of pants now....in total.  Oh darn! :)

Blessings of your own kind of fabulous 5's in your life,
the Mrs.

Can YOU say "transition" boys and girls?

There are so many tiers of it going on right now I can't even begin to describe how many places I see it.  While that sounds overwhelming - on so many levels - looks overwhelming to type, it feels entirely, unexpectedly different.

I'm loving every moment and living right in the moment of where we are, and not focused on where we might be in the next.

Is this some natural shift that happens in your mid 30's?  Or is this my very own God orchestrated transition of the mind?  There has been a tremendous mental shift for me in the last months.  One that has filled me with a peace and calm that overrides all things.  Don't get me wrong, I still get all kinds of anxious when there is way too much going on all at once, but even that is different and more short lived.  

Don't waste today on tomorrow....or yesterday.

That seems to sum up where my focus is at.  I want to be present in the here and now.  In the moments with my family I want them to feel that I was actually there and not drifted off to the next thing.  Not leaving them with memories of a wife and mother who was there physically but not actually present and there, for and with them.   I am remembering a lot of not just the details and facts of when I was growing up but the feelings I had.   The relationships I had with my family......or the complete and utter lack of them.   The combination of complete and utter aloneness with the overwhelming pressure of being an axis point to which too many things revolved around.   I am realizing as I watch my kids grow, how incredibly blessed they are to have lives that are filled with so little drama that I have to strain to try to understand the magnitude of what is "big" to them.   How as a 16 year old I would have done anything to trade lives with my daughter.  As an 11 year old......I could only dream to live life as simply and freely as my son does.  

There is so much I want to impart to them....so much to share with them....I need to make a way for it to  happen.  

The weather here has been crisp and cool.  So very fall like in nature that even some leaves have changed and fallen.   I feel so tuned in to seeing transition right now.  Its like this radar has been turned on and even the slightest, most subtle transitions jump out to greet me with this welcome I feel deep in my spirit.

It is the loveliest of times.   I feel the most comfortably "me" I have ever felt in my life.  The weight of expectation has been cast off....who I am supposed to be has no more importance.  Resting in who I am, settling in to see who He is making me into.....safety bar locked and arms up.....just going with the flow and enjoying the ride.  Life is different this way.   Even the greatest of impending shifts to our lives creates not even a ripple of stress.  

Whatever God is up to right now, I'm excited to see whats next.

Blessings to you for arms up joy in the ride of your life, 

the Mrs.

An update, a weigh in and heavy compliment

Well mark me absent.  Sorry.  A lot of life happens in August!

So that porch project I mentioned a while back......or at least I think I mentioned it.....who really keeps track?  It circled the bowl for a while and disappeared, thanks to city codes.  So that idea morphed into "lets just get some patio furniture and make that weird, uninviting space more inviting" because hey!, good timing, furniture in the patio variety is going on clearance everywhere.  On a Monday morning I saw a tent sale outside a new furniture store and it was full of patio stuff.  Tuesday evening we went to check it out and it was gone.  Like the tent never was.  So we went inside thinking we'd ask or at least find the last few reject pieces to look at.  Nothing.  Since we were there we figured we should look around because we made the trip and we've been thinking about (and saving for) new living room furniture for years but not decided what we really wanted.  Turned out they were having a big sale.  We took the week to think about it and set a budget.  Saturday we looked again, calculated over and over, discussed, sat, laid down, rearranged and measured, sat some more, made ourselves reaaaaaally comfy and finally decided.  Part of the new set arrives on Thursday!  A sectional big enough that, for the first time since we've been married, my 6'6 husband can actually lay down comfortably and all of us will be able to be on it, at the same time, EVEN if he is laying down!  I'm a tad excited.  We haven't owned a new piece of furniture (that wasn't someone else's first) in about 10 years.  A new coffee table and end table arrive in about 6 weeks (on back order).

School prep is in full swing.  One boy down and one girl to go.  Tomorrow its schedule pick up and then off to shop for her new fashion identity for this year.  She's been Pinteresting like crazy!

The Dude's bedroom Transformation is 99% complete.  Just a few little things left to hang.....which I keep forgetting about.

I am currently in conflicted mommy mode.  I am so excited and ready for school to start and to get into a normal rhythm as well as get some alone time back and be able to get things done in the house in a more efficient manner.......but school starting also means that we go back to barely seeing Wonderteen.  It feels forever between weekends and considering how much closer we've all gotten this summer, it will probably feel worse.  Watching these kids grow and come into themselves is so amazing and the school year tends to bring on explosive growth.  It always seems that school starts and within a month I'm noticing big "growing up" changes in conversation and responsibility.

Weigh-ins have continued.  I feel like I've been driving toward 160 with a bungee cord attached to my butt.  I push to get there and right when I think its within my reach I am pulled back a pound....or even two.  It's been frustrating.  Though while the number dance has been happening I've noticed definition happening.  My face continues to change, my collar bones and arms look different.  Watches and rings continue to get bigger.  Belts are still losing notches and those shorts that started to feel baggy are now looking baggy and unflattering. I finally had to bite the bullet and get the girls some new gear......yes, I had to do the dreaded bra shopping again.  Though this time I actually purchased.  When they measured me they didn't tell me "uh, you need an F, we don't carry those".  Instead I heard the great news that I officially am down a band size into the 30's instead of the 40's but.....lets just say that a double turned into a triple and now that my mid section is starting to slim more, the girls are just.....OUT THERE.
As of yesterday I am solidly at 160.0.  I didn't buy avocados this week, I am going to avoid oil like the plague, I bought one bar of chocolate and marked each piece with a day of the week so I can have one square per day and it will be easy to see when I have had too many.  Though I didn't eat one yesterday.....amazing.  This week I am hoping to FINALLY get into the 150's and break through this wall. I read about all these people who make the switch to a plant based diet and just start dropping pounds left and right....it's not happening for me!  Its frustrating but I know that my body has held on to the pounds tightly.  Friends are dropping as much, or even in one case double, what I have already lost and they've done it in at least half the time.  I've now been doing this for well over a year and I'm only down 32 lbs.  I'm not saying that 32 isn't any big deal - it is a big deal and it's a lot of weight - I just really thought I'd be done by now.   Exercise....well, that really hasn't been happening.  It took several weeks for my hips to recover from the cabin jogging I did and a couple weeks ago, then I attempted the treadmill and my hips went all kinds of painful crazy.  So it appears that being a runner is not in my future and I've been avoiding the treadmill as I like feeling comfortable walking.  Once school starts I plan to start working some Pilate's into my day, as that is gentle on the joints, can be done in short increments and most positions are laying down which should be easy on the hips.

In more romantic news....Last week Mr schemed with the kids to get me out on a surprise date.  He sent me flowers and asked me out just like he did for our very first date.  We went out to dinner and to see the new Batman in Imax (still loved it by the way).  While we were at dinner he stopped and looked at me, really looked at me, and told me that since we've been married, I've never been more beautiful.  Other than the first 6 months we were together (when I was a tiny 115 and a size 4....who knows what size that would be today though) I've been heavy.  It started with beginning birth control and packing on a whopping 50 pounds in less than 5 months. It just wouldn't come off.....that combined with the diet change of "mommy and daddy's groceries" to "living on your own groceries" it just did bad things to my body and I haven't looked the same since.  For years I've looked in the mirror and not recognized myself.  Flipping back and forth between a vision in my head being smaller than reality and then looking in the mirror and feeling much larger than reality.  Now however...in my head I see myself at my goal weight and size and my body feels uncomfortably big and in the way.  It causes frustration.....and humor......one day I was laying down and put my hand down at my waist and felt this bulge.  At first I thought "what the heck is that!"  and then.....I  realized it was a fat roll and laughed myself silly.  Even the fat that is still there is different.   Everything is changing, fitting differently, looking differently....my face probably fascinates me the most.  I've seen this fat girl so long and focused on what I wanted my body to look like for so long that my new slimmer face surprises me.  When I see pictures, I think whoa....that is me???   Crazy.

The heavy compliment?  It came from Mr as we walked into the furniture store.  We were having a conversation about people we know with negative attitudes, how it seems like they search for things to complain about and can't seem to see the good in anything.  Then Mr says "They don't have a joyful spirit and aren't lucky enough to have a wife who has a joyful spirit to teach them."  It went something like that...but it really hit me and I didn't know what to say as I felt tears start to well up.  Of course those had to be stuffed down because we were going into the store and I really didn't need to be that girl at the moment. Those words though....it is a heavy compliment.  Its both something to live up to and affirming something I've striven for most of my life.  To take all of the trials and challenges life has handed me and make myself better with them.....never bitter.  It's always been a challenge to mentally not pull the "oh poor me" card or fall into that trap the world seems to set for people "oh you've been through so much, I'd be a little angry at the world too".  NO.  Adversity is NO excuse for a bad attitude, anger, bitterness or an invasive negativity that is toxic to everyone around you.  Adversity is an opportunity, to grow, to learn, to be stretched, to have the ability to stand in someone else's shoes and be able to mean it when you say I understand.  Adversity is an opportunity to gain wisdom.  Don't focus on the love and support you needed and didn't get - you can't go back and change your experience in life any more than you can change the ingredients in last nights dinner.  Focus on how you can use that experience.  Love and support someone else the way you needed it.  Give to others what you wish you'd received.  Missing out is not a valid reason for withholding from others.  It might just bring you healing in the process.

A joyful spirit....  Wow.  Me?  He really thinks that of me?   ......that may be the compliment of a lifetime.

Blessings to you, for a joyful spirit in all things transitional and stationary, may the blessing of laughter and joy bubble up from within your soul and be displayed on your face.
the Mrs.

AHHHHHHHHHawwwwwwwwwgust

The month I love and drives me crazy.

As a creature of habit, large swings to our normal activity tend to throw me off.  August means talks of school come up more and more often.  All those projects that have been procrastinated on get put into motion so they can be done before school starts.   Activities tend to slow down and Wonderteen is here for the whole month (instead of the every other week summer routine).  We look forward to August.  The Dude dreads when it ends.  He absolutely adores his sister and the feeling is mutual.

August is a humorous blend of love and crazy.  LOVE the talks and the nearly endless laughter.
The lack of silence, down time and structure....make me crazy.  Which adds to the laughter.

LOVE the way my kids get along.
By next week I will start hearing things like "back off", "stop touching me","get away" and "get out of my room" for the first time all summer.......driving me crazy.   But secretly, I'll love it...it makes me laugh and smile about how rare those moments are for them and how one day those moments will turn into stories they'll laugh at.

Love the sweet teenage rambling....always wanting my ear for things from big to small to "what on earth are you talking about!?"
The constant auditory stimulation driving me a bit crazy.......

Love the changes and plans that come up.   Whether its decorating (shifting bedrooms, painting, a piece of furniture needing to be replaced etc), planning for a new school routine, shopping for school supplies or clothes or this years favorite of mine - planning a whole new style that reflects who she is and who she wants to be. .....and that she wants my help.   LOVE.  yes.
Crazy......it feels like a lot to try and cram into one month while still trying to maintain the regular things that need attention not to even begin to mention the other random activities clogging our weekends.

August is when the art of balance and humility is tested.  Grace needs to be handed out like candy at the fair.  While we as a couple and parents try to grasp a few quiet moments together and cling to our sanity, we also need to strive to remember that for our kids August is a month of hesitation, anticipation and intensity.  The hesitation of what a new year might bring, the anticipation of daily seeing friends and the intense need to cram in as much crazy and fun as they can handle before heading back into the structure and work of school.  Combine that with all the hormones and you easily get to the crazy part.

August is all about the crazy love.  We all know we are a bit crazy but we love it.

Blessings of crazy happy love to all of you,
the Mrs.

When the Lord comes knockin, you best be ready.

Oh how the Lord speaks and makes me laugh!

Remember how earlier today I said I minister at the kitchen door?  Remember how I said I'm in a new comfort with myself and that in the summer I do not achieve anywhere near the productivity I intend and things get all out of whack?

Apparently all of these needed extra highlighting and emphasis today.  This morning I intended to take advantage of the morning by getting on the treadmill.  So I skipped the shower and intended to take one after being on the treadmill.  I intended to do the dishes after said shower so I would have enough hot water.  I also intended to make a to do list, start the bible study book I received last week, get the laundry folded and figure out how the carpet cleaner (which was purchased 2 months ago) works, as well as start getting the next few months of calendar ready for the start of school so we are organized going into it.

Here's what actually happened.

I ended my blog post by following up with a couple emails, checking facebook and dropping in on Pinterest. Found a pin on organization which lead me to this post on 52 weeks of organizing where I fell in love and printed out the form to make my own list of 52 organizing projects.  I read a bit there and then my guts told me they hadn't eaten yet, so I had elevenses (yes, that's a hobbit meal reference and I use it often and well) at 10am.....the irony is not lost.  After lunch I decided I needed to get on to figuring out the calender issue so that I could give a proper answer on whether I could babysit for a friend in August.  Putting my calendar together is time consuming with all the different things that need to be consolidated (2 different school district calendars, Mr's work/golf/etc, church, birthdays/anniversaries and WT's parental rotation schedule).  The Dude arrived home from school while I was in the center of a calendar whirlwind.  He was barely done with lunch when his buddy called to come play.  

At this point I considered that I should set things aside and just get to doing other things.....intended things.  But not wanting to leave a project unfinished ignored all else....hmm....no to-do list means no ta-daaaa.  


So an hour or so later the buddy's mom arrives at my kitchen door.   Filling me in on a host of trials going on for their family.   I attentively listened and expressed as much encouragement and understanding as I could to someone I'm not well acquainted with and therefore was unsure of what she may need in the moment.  The homemaker in me was horrified as my unshowered self stood before the mother of my child's friend, in my SO messy kitchen with the garbage to the top and the recycling poking out (which is of course located in direct eyesight of the entry we are standing in) which was only to be topped by our very senior aged dog walking behind her to vomit in the doorway right behind her.  No, I'm not kidding.  As I dragged the old dog to the back door to let her outside, in case there was anymore to come up.....I found a present to top off the beautiful experience.  One of the little dogs had decided at just that moment to take a poo right there on the kitchen floor.   Mortified.

Yes....here in one fell swoop I had an opportunity to minister a new person at my kitchen door while cleaning up poo and vomit off of my kitchen floor, unshowered, hair a mess, no makeup, trying to push dirty vomity poo filled paper towels into a too full garbage can while trying to reassure an overwhelmed mother that her son can come over any time and to please let us know how we can be helpful.

Really?  I am surprised she let him stay after she left.   After she left and I had time to sit and think about it....all I could do is laugh.   Quite the reality check sent in affirmation.

Yes - you do minister at your kitchen door.
Yes - you've gotten comfortable with who you are enough to pick up poo and vomit off the floor in your too messy house and not be overly apologetic or completely insecure about your place in humanity.  You did it with grace and without panic or frustration.
Yes - you have slipped in your duties.  Yes, you have allowed your home keeping to fall out of priority.  
Here is your moment of awareness that you are indeed in a very good place but your inefficiency at your work can compromise the opportunities I give you for ministry, the ones you are very aware are spontaneous.  It is your job to just be ready. 


Father forgive my procrastination and laziness!  I have full confidence that You can turn this messy moment into a good thing.

There's my confession for the day.  I was an unprepared mess when the Lord brought someone knocking.  I have fallen down on the job and need to totally reassess how I manage my time in an effort to bring balance to keeping home and mommydom.

Blessings of preparedness for when the Lord comes knocking unexpectedly......with the laughter and smile to go with it.
the Mrs.

a new era welcomed

The winds of change are coming.  I can feel them.  Transition into a new season for our family.

No more elementary school.  No more need for babysitters. The boy has a J O B for goodness sake!

Wonderteen will be a Junior.  11th grade.  Amazing to think my tiny little pumpkin head has grown into such an amazing and beautiful young woman.

Mr and I are entering into a new era.  Older kids.  More freedom to be spontaneously social and building a new core of relationships.  Our marriage continually growing stronger....and in a way makes me laugh at how we've grown into this beautiful relationship that also mimics the intensity of young love.  We often tease our daughter and her boyfriend about that high school love where things are so intense you immediately miss each other when out of sight.  Time apart can be crushing.  Oh the days of young overwhelming love! ...and we discuss on a fairly regular basis how wonderful retirement will be when we can be together all the time or his regular comment that if only we could win the lottery so he could be home with me everyday.  The million times we say I love you, sometimes less than 5 minutes apart...yes, that is our truth.  We are silly, cavity inducing, head over heels crazy for each other.  And we don't care how many times people tell us to get a room. Our affection is not hidden, nor excessive.  We keep it G people....maybe PG sometimes. :)

In this new era the trappings of formal ministry obligations have been thrown off.  The kind that tie you to a place, time and topic.  Nothing wrong with them, I'm not being critical of formal ministry.  As I've gotten older I have become more and more aware that I am personally in a constant state of ministry.  Some refer to my maternal nature with those around me.  It brings me to minister to whomever is in front of me at the time.  It isn't conscious or premeditated.....it is simply how He has grown me, wired me.  Formal ministry wears on me more quickly than I'd like to admit because of this.  My ministry is my family, my home and whomever may be placed in my path.  Facebook is so trivialized but I have spent more time ministering to people on there than you may believe.  I minister via email and kitchen door.  Yes, I have a young man who just shows up at my kitchen door, unannounced and just to talk.  He is 20 years old now, he calls me mom and has been showing up for several years.

Perhaps is the natural growth of being in the second half of my 30's.  Or maybe it's that I'm in a season in life more typical for one in their 40's. Maybe it's my confidence coming forward with over 30lbs shed.  Either way I feel a new settling in myself.  A disinterest to please simply for the sake of keeping others happy or not tarnishing someones view of me.  Who they think I am does not make me who I am....anymore.  Its a lovely freedom.

I will probably always be a one track person.  Whatever current focus will probably always be THE big deal until it isn't anymore.
I am not a crafty person.  I won't pick up scrap booking or stamping.  I am capable of crafts but that does not make me crafty.
My kids school work will still be mostly thrown in the trash.  Because who really looks at their spelling tests from 4th grade?  This isn't a treasure to me.  Exceptional works of art from them, yes.  Essays that depict who they are or their unique point of view at the time, those are things I will keep for them.  The funny, the deep, the personal, the beautiful.  Perhaps that's cold.  Though I take great pride in watching my 11 year old purge objects more efficiently than any adult I know because he doesn't form deep emotional connections to objects.  He loves people and that is where love should go.
I'll always have a horribly immature sense of humor.  And that is okay.
I'll always be strong and stable.
I'll always have a heart that breaks easily.
I'll always be a homebody who loves, loves, loves solitude and quiet.
I'll always be passionate about the truth but frustratingly calm and non-argumentative.
I will always care about doing what is right more than what is popular.
I will always be trying to grow and improve and learn about something.

There is unknown on the horizon but it's not scary.  The Lord always has a plan and it is always amazing.  The only plan I have is to try and walk through it with as much joy and grace as I can, no matter how things feel.  Feelings are deceiving and often not rooted in truth.  A fact that is hard to remember when we are in the middle of them but it is something good to remember.

It's been a good couple weeks here.  Lots of fun, lots of crazy and lots of me remembering how every summer I think I'm going to accomplish SO much and never do because I simply can't get it done while my kids are home.  They want attention and talk time or maybe just hanging out not talking time.  If that is what they need then that is what I try to give them, with measures of work in between.  The school year is my most productive home keeping season.  This year I hate to say even the garden has not been tended to the way it deserves.  It has been a disgustingly hot and humid summer though.....I have not wanted to even venture out there.

Time to get some work done.  This is the last week of summer school and Wonderteen is off on a trip with her mom and girl scout troop this week.  My last week of any alone time.  I want to make the most of it!

Blessings of peace and calm to welcome whatever new era comes to greet you.
the Mrs.

a sweet little monday

I have to get my license renewed today.
Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be celebrating 36 years of living......awesome.

Humble I know.
Wonderteen and I have this running joke that I obtain awesome on many levels and the older I get the more awesome I become so one day she will inherit my awesome.  Considering our lack of biological connection....there in-lies the humor but with the whole 'nature vs nurture' thing....I say she's already got quite the touch of awesome.

A new picture to carry around of myself for the next 4 years.  It could be lame.  BUT I think I shall think of it in terms of improvements.  As in the picture of myself I'm required to carry around and show people from time to time will be an improved picture.  Less one chin no less.

I plan on trying to get the grocery shopping done today as well and maybe tomorrow I will drop on over to "the boutique" as my mother used to refer to Goodwill, and see what kind of goodies I can find.  I've been pinterest shopping like crazy lately and for all my effort my closet hasn't changed one bit.  Funny when you realize in the last 10 years you have gone shopping only with a serious plan in mind to only purchase specific items out of necessity.  Then you try to put an outfit together to do something you haven't had to think of in who knows how long and you realize you are fairly limited in your options.   Then you get there and you get a band shirt.   All that agonizing for no reason.  But ya got a new shirt! :)

The sun is shining and it isn't hot enough to melt your face off, so I'm going to enjoy this day for what it is instead of what it was.  It's a beautiful monday, and there are no complications or sick people or dead people or anything crazy.

I am loving this beautiful, normal, boring, nothing out of the norm day.

This face, is a happy face today.

Blessings for love and sunshine in all the normal mundane beauty,
the Mrs.

Vacation eats

For one whole week we had this glorious view.

yes, it was hard to leave!

Considering I didn't want to spend the whole week in the kitchen I cooked some things ahead and planned for simplicity.  I brought key safe foods I knew would be hard to find, like the organic beef hot dogs my son likes, whole grain tortillas and sandwich flats, lunch meat for the meat eaters etc.  I also baked several batches of breakfast cookies and froze them, along with pre-cooked peppers and onions, a batch of sweet potato/black bean/spinach enchilada filling and I also brought a jar of last summers homemade spaghetti sauce.  Here's what the fridge looked like:

Top left to right: clausen dill spears, behind that is the frozen enchilada mix and the peppers that are thawing. in front is the bag of breakfast cookies, laying on top of a bag of cooked white rice.  Behind that is a bag of cilantro and I think the bag under it is the spinach. The yellow container in front has lettuce in it. Resting on top is my fav Trader Joes Chipotle Hummus along with zip lock bags with red and yellow peppers and leftover diced tomatoes.  On the right you'll see Simply OJ, with water, corona and whats left of the jar of spaghetti sauce. (next shelf) lunch meats, cumin spiced black beans in the white container, baked potatoes (thrown on the still hot grill after a dinner so there were days worth of potatoes) big bowl of fresh Pico De Gallo. (Next Shelf) Strawberries blue berries, eggs, alfalfa sprouts (requested by wonderteen) other beer and pop.
The drawers were filled with apples, oranges, lemons, limes, peppers, cukes, onions, mushrooms and anything else we fit.  I also had a basket of bananas and tomatoes on the counter.

As a treat for the family I packed all the dry ingredients for their favorite gluten free chocolate chip cookies.  Old peanut butter containers are AWESOME travel containers!  Wash and save!  We have used them for so many travel purposes.  Mr loves to take a small one and have it filled with MnM's or nuts and keep it in his golf bag.

I used two containers for the dry mix and brought a post it with the remaining wet measures that were needed. As you can see, I made due with what I had.  Some tin foil over a pizza pan and cookies were made without needing to wash the pan!  They came back from fishing to a cabin smelling of cookies!

My plant based cookbook in the back of the cupboard, surrounded by canned beans and the rice, sugar and popcorn that was transported to the cabin via old Jif jars. It was SO handy!

Food was a piece of cake. I loosely planned basic meals: 1 mexican night, 1 pasta night, 2 grilling nights, a fish fry night, and a random night of leftovers at the end to clean up and take less food home.  The kids thought mom was ultra creative by using large mugs to refrigerate leftovers.  My daughter was very pleased and loving her veggie filled sandwiches and trying new things.  We decided to try mushroom burgers together and we both very much enjoyed them!  Though we did realize that she likes hers more well done and I'd prefer mine more rare.  Our big note to self was to prepare better for the first day and the first nights meal.  Day one was a bit on the sparse side for food because we didn't realize the tiny town grocery was so limited on what it carried - even in produce.  So we went into town the next day and finished up our grocery shopping.  

We had a wonderful time and even came home lighter than when I left! Only -.8 but hey, who can say they lost weight on vacation!   ME! :)

Plant based on vacation.  It CAN be done and without stress!

Blessings for a beautiful day!

the Mrs.

that day

that day when you feel like you are totally on the wrong end of roshambo.
hard as you try to pull some goodness out, your brain just turns its back - arms folded, nose in the air, "you can't make me" hmph
the tiredness creeps in
the pity list starts going
...and then your own words come out to do battle with all of the above.

Find the lovely.
Smile at the big picture.
Don't focus on all the little things going wrong, you'll miss the good stuff.

but
its the 5th of july.
and on this day there is something in me that goes on autopilot.
the tears are just below the surface.
irritability flies out of my mouth faster than I can comprehend its happening.
no matter how "fine" I think I am....it still catches me a bit off kilter.
8 years ago today.
my mom died.
the day plays back in my mind...all on its own, because I really have no desire to dwell on it


but here I am
feeling stressed, tearful and so, so tired of being the grown up.
the rock.
the stable, she'll take care of everything and us and it will all be okay because she makes it okay, person.
its not often that I don't embrace the reality of my role in life 
but today is one of those days.


my mother died on the 5th
was buried on the 9th 
my birthday is on the 10th
it was a week I will never forget.
the Lord kept me tucked tightly to His chest and I was intimately aware of how tightly He was carrying me though it.
but the evening of the 9th
when all was done and the people were gone
He gently set me down
where I stayed in a heap for 2 years


8 years later the impact of this week is less than it was.
it softens a little bit each year
but still surprises me with a strong aversion to 4th of July parties and big fireworks displays.

This year was looking to be calm and easy.  The impact was no where to be seen or felt.
Until yesterday morning when my father said he wasn't feeling well.
A trip to the ER revealed a bowel obstruction and a stay in the hospital until they deem it taken care of.
No telling how long he'll be there.  He's handling it like a trooper cracking bad jokes.
I have some serious anxiety about driving into downtown areas.
that is where the hospital is.
So this morning I wake up in a July 5th fog of funk to find that my shoulder has a knot the size of texas and as it turns out, if texas is in your shoulder it's hard to lift your arm or move your neck.

Perhaps there might be a touch of stress I'm experiencing.

So my head is a bundle of lists
things that need to be done
picking up his mail and the neighbors because they are out of town
watering his plants
cutting my daughters hair - which I was going to do yesterday, like so many other things.
my house is a mess (in my eyes)
I've not been able to teach her the things she wanted to learn this week
there are two loads of laundry that need rewashing because they were forgotten...and are now smelly
my garden needs attention

and the voice in my head starts to whisper
it's all on you though
you are in charge
you need to be the one to talk to the doctors
if any decisions need to be made, its all you lady
don't whine that you are the youngest or its not fair
life isn't fair, stop being selfish
there isn't anyone to stand in the gap, you can't check out 
you are securely on the hook
it's all on you.


And that knot gets a little tighter as texas gets a little heavier.

But when life kicks you square in the berries you need to stop, catch your breath, suck it up and move on.
This too will pass.  Texas will get lighter eventually....at least for a while.

The Lord knows my strength, it's His so I will trudge through this and figure it out as I go.  Probably begging Him to help me not throw up in traffic as I try to drive to the hospital.

Filtering through the fog, nestled there in my heart is His peace.  So if you see a smile on my face today, it is only that, shining through the muck.

Blessings for lighter loads, peace beyond understanding and His smile shining on and through you.
the Mrs.


I have no idea why these highlighted blocks keep appearing over certain sections.

but first.....about your face.....

Yes, I'm aware I have been gone for an entire week and I have bloggy things to say about my vacation and even took a few pictures and planned a post about plant based eating while away from home.

In the words of Bob the Builder...."YES YOU CAN!"......yep, I just did that.  Sorry.

So I'm back from a week of relaxation and I'm out doing my grocery shopping yesterday.  I'm smiling and casually making my way around the stores....noticing peoples expressions.

Are you aware of the expression you hold as you wander through life?  As you choose clothing or produce or just go for a walk, have you ever concentrated on the expressions that cross your face?  What do they say about you to the world you encounter?

I often find myself wondering if people are really as miserable or angry as they look.  Some of the people I saw, I smiled at....carefully, considering they appeared ready to rip the heads off of babies should they look tasty enough.  

This isn't my first foray into pondering facial expressions.  It is a recurring theme for me but most often repeated during grocery shopping.  I have often caught myself with a scowl on my face and had that conversation with myself: Dude, what is my deal?  I don't know.  Am I ticked about something? No. Sad, depressed or just not happy that I'm doing the shopping?  Uh no.  Then get your head out of your rear and let your face reflect that you actually like your life and despite any trials claim joy! SMILE!  ...and I do.  I start making a point to smile at people who pass.  Funny how the more you smile the more you actually want to.

I'm not advocating putting on a happy face to fake to the world that you are not miserable or having difficulties.  What I am saying is that if I'm going to go to the trouble to do my hair, makeup or put thought into my clothes - all of which send a message about me to the people I encounter - why not put just as much effort into the expressions we carry because they reflect more about us than any of the other things.  It also indicates our attitude......  The person who happens to be having a trial in life - whether it lasts 5 minutes or 5 years - that is focused on the trial going on and allowing the trial to color the big picture will miss every blessing that passes them by because all they can see is the big stinking wart in their life, and it will be bigger than its reality.  But the person who sees the big picture in life and chooses to give each and every blessing credit in their life will balance out the trial and put it into a realistic perspective.

It's not about the glass being half full or half empty but about noticing the beautiful glass holding the contents.

Is your face an accurate representation of who you are an what you are about?  Does it say I am loving and approachable?  Or.......gee that baby looks tasty, get out my way!  Grrrrr arg.

Don't hide who you are.  Put your real face on!

Blessings of joy that oozes out your beautiful face.
the Mrs.


PS I also do not advocate eating babies.  ya know....FYI.