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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Negative Nelly's Receptical

The happy place is not where I have resided recently.   The last couple of days I've been trying to be purposeful about grabbing onto His grace and promises to keep my mind from being dragged down into those dark places where I think I'm in control.

He is.  I am not.  ....this morning as I was getting ready and I was pondering all this, seeking Him out as I washed my face and did my hair....He offered me a glimpse of my error.   As I looked out the bathroom window, silently conversing with Him, the view of the back yard faded.   I saw myself with my arms loaded to the brim, posture tall and confident but pridefully unaware that, with that much in my arms, there was no way to hand something off without dropping everything.  Making a huge mess of all of it.   Next to me He walked, arms at the ready.   Then it morphed into Him joyfully carrying all I had before and there was only one item in my hands at a time.  He, always close, always helping.   I realized what He was telling me.....I have been making it about me.  I've been grasping for control and not wanting to let go of anything.  Here, He gently reveals why I've been so overwhelmed.  

I asked His forgiveness and help to remember, to change my focus and mind set.  More than once there was music or a FB post to keep this fresh.

As per usual a purposed change of focus brings out challenges, things and people who poke and prod at that peace.   I started to message my husband with my most recent thought and decided perhaps it was more suited to just blog out.  Processing as I ponder.

Often I reflect on my need to have more grace for people, to be kinder, more understanding, talk less/listen more, more encouraging or more positive.....qualities that lift up.    This morning made me wonder if I need to be tougher....less open, more rude or just what on earth I project that gives people the idea that I am a receptical for their negativity, their baggage, gossip about people I don't know or simply their need to talk about themselves as if - like a garbage can - you only throw things in, you don't take things out.  

In this moment I'm unsure if this is due to some positive character trait that just makes people feel safe around me to be who they are, for good or bad, OR if somewhere along the line "Toss Here" was stamped on my forehead.  Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've simply been exhausted and not in the most peaceful state of mind lately that this line of questioning is coming to me.   Quite honestly, if I think about it, most of my communications revolve around me listening to others......helping to shoulder burdens, counsel them through tough moments, pray with or for much going out in various directions.  Quite honestly, I should probably stop thinking about it.  Like I said before...Jesus came not to be served but to serve.  The depth of me wants to live like this and the humanity of me struggles with the What about me?   It's an ugly place to get stuck in though.

The balance of it is a struggle.  We are human.  Jesus knew the human limitations of this body and mind, He retreated regularly from the crowds......going off to find solitude in the mountains.   I wonder if we had a daily account, a "Dear Diary", if He would do this daily or often would He seek out this kind of solitude?  Was it for hours, or did He sometimes need days, weeks?   It would be interesting to know.

He made me a nurturer, a mother hen to anyone in arms reach and He made me strong.  Able to withstand great trials, refining fire, and know that I know in the end I will come out like gold.

But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come out like Gold. 
~ Job 23:10

"The key phrase in that statement is "when He has tested me."  You see, there is no hurry-up process for finding and shaping gold.  The process of discovering, processing, purifying and shaping gold is a lengthy, painstaking process.  Affliction is gold int he making for the child of God, and God is the one who determines how long the process takes.  He alone is the Refiner."
~ Charles Swindoll

Blessings to you of love and grace, refined and purified by Him alone, 
the Mrs.

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