I am fiercely protective of people I care about....or people I've just met who happen to hit just the right note in my soul. Though frankly I doubt that I make that great of a friend. I am a solitary, lone wolf kinda person who rarely craves the company of people. Unless you are my Mr, he is the one and only person in the whole world whose company I crave like lungs crave oxygen......and I would still need time alone. Even as a child I preferred to be alone. This worried my mother and when she was irritated enough, she would simply tell me that I was grounded and if I wanted to come out of my room I was required to play with the neighbor girl.
Really? There's barbies in there. Sounds cool. See ya when I need food.
When she realized that was a massive failed experiment, she just started telling me that I had to play with her. That worked....until I figured out how to make her want to go home....like trying to force feed her peppers....which she didn't like. Or the time I convinced her that the beetle made of iron (I think it was for taking your boots off) near the fireplace was actually a family pet.....and alive.....and I tried to make her pet it.....she kinda freaked out....and ran home....screaming..... I only chased her a little...
Oh come on! I was like 6! ....okay maybe 8...or 10...but still.
It's always been there. A few years ago I thought I'd just be honest (cuz that's the best policy right?) and say out loud that I really didn't like people much. Didn't quite go over how I thought.....a tad awkward......turns out only other people who don't like people tend to like people who say that. Transparency apparently has limits.
Yes, I do have friends. Friends I love dearly but frankly I'm not a great communicator so they totally get the short end of the stick. I get lost in time. I forget when the last time I talked to someone was and could go months without speaking to them and think it was just last week that we had that great chat. I forget I have friends. I forget that they might need me. I forget that sometimes people need their friends to initiate contact or even ask questions instead of just assuming they will spew out all their thoughts without a prompt.....which means I'm probably a crappy friend more often than not. Unless it's email or facebook....I don't reach out. I'm not trying to be a jerk or avoiding people.....honestly, it really just doesn't occur to me. Fortunately I have a few friends who really see me for who I am. They have an abundance of grace for me and either accept or tolerate my
Change is something I strive for....to grow, to weed out these negative character traits. Unfortunately, I forget them more often than not because I do spend much of my time alone.....I simply am not out of touch or irritating to me. My friends are angels...they understand that they will have to initiate conversations, phone calls or visits.....I wish I was better at that but honestly I just get all kinds of awkward and it really is better for everyone if they take the lead.
The solitary life of a monk, I would rock. To be silent, in silence and have no one but God to talk to....THAT I could be successful at. He knows me. He loves me and He understands all my crazy and my serious. He gets me. I forget to talk to Him too.....but He doesn't get mad or feel neglected. I know He's always with me....I think He's probably laughing at me many times, simply enjoying the random awkwardness that I provide a situation. That makes me smile to think that lowly me could actually bring a smile or a chuckle to His face. I love that He loves me in spite of my darkness, my faults and maybe He even loves me because of it a little....no, God doesn't do things little. He does things complete. If He loves, He loves completely. If He is present, He doesn't just "show up a little bit", He is there in ALL His fullness and glory.
God does not do things half way.
I love Him and He loves me......and He knows I would totally shave my head for Him. Cuz I've done it before. Yup. He knows me. But He also knows I love pants. I would hate to live in a bathrobe. He knows me.
yeah. I know I think too much and too often....and usually it's fairly random or highly concentrated....my daughter calls it OSD. "Ooh Shiny! Disorder".
Yup, she's awesome too.
Blessings for friendships as deep and wide as the love of Christ,