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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

its always the last place you look

Dude!  Not only did I get the list checked off, but I managed to make a pot of chili, a pan of chicken and put in a work out that has me groaning each time I try to stand up.  It was one heck of a Tuesday!  

Finally found my mojo!  

That thing seemed to fall off the planet toward the end of fall.  I couldn't get the motivation to move at the pace I wanted to.  My mind wouldn't think efficiently and I felt like I was sitting down on the job.  

My famous lists were ineffective, unfinished or missing in action.  Any zest for life was dull and waxy.....more about accomplishing the basics and making sure no one was miserable.   Perhaps I set a high standard....but so what.  Never do I expect perfection - from myself or others but I've always felt that the ability to improve is endless.   "When you know better, do better."  When I accomplish a new high, a new level of excellence in any particular task, skill or pursuit of knowledge the first thing I feel is "wow! I'm capable of more than I thought!" which is quickly followed by "if I can do this, then I can do better!"   Not because I require challenge.  Not because I am unsatisfied with my best.   But because complacency leads to laziness.   

Is it this way for everyone?  When I get too comfortable, too confident in something.....pride rears its ugly head.   When my pride rears it is not long before the auto pilot switch is flipped.   I become less aware of those around me.  I assume more and ask less.   I lean on my own understanding more than I lean on His leading.   The biggest problem with that is usually, no one calls me on it.   No one questions me or forces me to stop in my tracks and really look at where I am standing.   In brambles.   Off the path and "ahead" of the Lord.....trying to lead instead of follow.   I envision Him standing there, hands on His hips with this playful, knowing smile.....waiting to see the moment my expression changes as I have that light-bulb moment of awareness of where I am.... 

Almost with a chuckle, He acknowledges "Yep, you did it again.  Now turn around and come on back."  Hand outstretched, smiling at me, loving watching me learn how to course correct...pleased that I don't get quite as far away as I used to.

He doesn't have to come get me anymore.  I don't wander so far that I can't see how to get back.   Now He patiently waits for me to notice I've gone off track.  Always teaching me.  Always improving me.....refining me.

Fall found me in the brambles.  Confused, weary and feeling completely sucked dry of any goodness at all.  Honestly, at times just the thought of having contact with people made me recoil.  Already a solitary person, this drove me deeper into quiet solitude.   My regular weekday is naturally quiet and fairly void of people but when the weekend arrived, dread would slowly build as Sunday morning approached.  Once I got there I would hide as best I could, pretend I didn't see people.....hope they wouldn't see me and maybe, just maybe the Lord would block out the world and it would just be He and I in that pew.  .....He doesn't work like that though...    I still find myself hiding a bit.   Trying to shake off the label and maybe have an identity of my own.....maybe just maybe, at some point, feel a part of the home.  Trying to have moments where I say Hi....first.    Too often I am unaware that "don't speak unless spoken to" is still ingrained in my behavior.....I am not that child anymore.....but usually I wait, for eye contact, for someone else to make the first that silent permission.   Adults can speak freely.......but I also have a desire in my heart to listen more than I speak.....when I do speak I often speak too much.  Ah, the conundrum of two conflicting intentions!

For now I renew my conversation with Him.   I can feel more energy in those conversations with Him now. Before, when my mind and spirit were so tired I didn't know what to say......or what to share.   The more I talk with Him the more energy fills me.   The more efficient I become.   When my mind wanders He draws back my attention and with a quick apology for drifting off we enter back into conversation.   At this point my ability to focus on Him is growing but I still spend more time drifting than in focus.   Still.....there is a "riding a bike" kind of moments of conversation over mindless tasks - when focus is easier - I remember the feeling of being able to be fully aware of Him, conversing with Him in the quiet of my mind, while having a conversation with others.  Memories like that spur me on.....and I talk about that with Him.

This week it seems something is different.   I have an energy and an active heart again.   He reminds me that He is my energy.  He is my sufficiency.   He is my Light, the love I give, the drive to serve and care for my family.  HE is my mojo.   Funny how when you lose it, you forget what it really is in the first place.   Makes it hard to find when you don't remember what it looks like.    

Today I focus on today.  I will talk with Him as I go about my business hopefully remembering to write things down as He brings them to mind (He so helps me to be more efficient) or ask Him to remind me...He's good at that too. :)  Tomorrow will take care of itself but I will be talking to Him a lot about the Dude's IEP meeting tomorrow.  Its time for speech review and any meeting with this group of teachers makes my guts churn.  I'll be asking Him to start preparing my heart and mind today....for tomorrow.  I'll be talking to Him about doing the same for the teachers and staff involved.  .....empty me of any trace of bitterness or resentment....fill me instead with grace and wisdom.   Make me soft when my human heart wants to harden for protection.

Blessings of His sweet embrace today, knowing that He bends down to listen to YOU, that He hears and answers your matter how big or small....with His infinitely perfect love.
the Mrs.

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