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Friday, January 20, 2012

Contentment in chaos...comes with the simplest choice

Its snowing.  FINALLY.  Perhaps it wont be the great blizzard I hope for but it's been snowing steadily for several hours and that gives me joy.   There is something peaceful about it......the steady, quiet, falling of those flakes is soothing when I am restless. 

My mind is on so many different things.  IEP meetings at school and how much I greatly dislike them...how small and completely insufficient I feel when I am there.  The mystery symptoms of my Dude that have had him feeling crummy more often than well.   By God's grace we got into the allergist last night to try and find some help for him.  It seemed that all the staff thought humor would put him at ease and cracked jokes instead of explaining the what and why of their actions, tools and procedures....he needed that information more than their humor.   His tears of discomfort and lack of understanding put them off guard.  I understood it but had a moment where I wished his tears didn't come so easily.....and then felt badly that the thought came at all.  I've been defending his ability to show emotion without shame for as long as I can remember....and here it was me who felt that twinge because it was clear that at near 11 they expected him to be tougher...and it made me insecure for the moment.  

We left without much answer to why or what has been causing the issues.  I clung to the blessing of knowing that "no, it's not his sinuses" is still an answer.  Check that off the list of possibilities and narrow the field.  Next check, vision screening and wait for blood work.

I  find myself remembering when I was a kid, always sick...always.  My mother fought for me, always.  Mystery illness was no stranger to she and I.  Seems our bodies always liked to off the beaten path when something was to go wrong or a side effect to occur.  It had to be the rare one....the thing that they wouldn't look for first or even second, third or seventh.  I find myself wondering what I'm missing, wondering what she would suggest to do or where to go.   Is it simple?  Is it something I had and I'm not remembering?

Lists, papers and books surround me right now.  

What a mess surrounding that lovely mug of iced coffee.  I love that little thrift store find!

As I glanced through my blog roll this morning I stopped in to see what Rhonda at Down To Earth would offer for weekend reading (she already well into her beautiful Aussie weekend I'm sure).  Found some good reading and a beautiful nugget to view on a wonderful couple who have created a beautiful self-sustained life on their property.   There was a moment where he briefly showed a spot on a wall with an old poster that read: "Happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road".  He said it changed his way of thinking.  

It made me smile.  It made my heart a bit lighter.  Reminded me that in each moment there is joy because He is near me.  I made that mug of iced coffee....probably taking more points than I should out of my 26 but this momma has so many goals set.....so many puzzles to figure out that are not the picture kind, so many desires to do and be more....hopes for our home, family....myself.   I gave myself permission to take the time (and points) to offer myself a treat and allow Him to calm the chaos as I ponder it out...He never fails to point out the obvious this way with me.  Never fails.

Today, I reminded myself of my priorities.  God, family (husband first, children second), home, self, everything else falls somewhere after that.  The request for a visit this morning was turned down with apologies.  No, today I need to restore our home.  Restore peace for myself in the midst of chaos so that I can be fully present, fully available, fully attentive to my family.   In the process I hope to work side by side with Him to guide my hands and my heart to create a place where He can take center stage and conduct the chaos into order so that I do not allow the minor distractions and to-do's to pull my mind away from Him.

At times in my life I have envied those who fall so easily into "quiet time" with Him.  It has never come easily for me, anything resembling "ritual" has always left an unpleasant taste for me.  My heart has always longed for any "quiet time" be no different from any other time of day.  Remember I said that I wanted to reread Practicing His Presence in the pick up line?  A passage I read the other day so beautifully stated how I feel, what I desire to strive for and affirmed my heart....

"I have never been able to regulate my devotion by certain methods, as some do.   All bodily mortification and other exercises are useless except as they serve to arrive at union with God by love.  I have well considered this and found that the shortest way to God is to go straight to Him by a continual exercise of love and doing all things for His sake."  ~Brother Lawrence  

Please don't misunderstand, I have enormous respect for those who are able to love this discipline.  I do not condemn it or think anything wrong of it. How could I?  Jesus Himself took time to go away and be quiet and alone.  There in-lies part of the struggle.  I know the good possibilities but for me it has been a struggle of obligation, of trying to check a box that somehow marks me as a "good Christian".  Success has come for a short time and then faded as the routine blended into something on a to-do list and led to my heart feeling guilty that I was not coming to Him out of love.  Never has it brought me the same level intimacy with Him that comes from discussing my heart, my life or someone elses while folding laundry, cleaning or going about my regular business.  

It never fails to amuse me how people talk of needing to come to Him or ask Him to join them.  Does God ever leave the room?  Does He ever wander off?  No.  If He is Omnipresent then even when we find ourselves wandering off track and into the brambles in the darkness....we only need to turn around because He is there.  Light and love, hand outstretched to lead us back to the straight and narrow.  Ah, but we smart beings need to make things more complicated than they really are.   We need to "search for Him".   Goodness....He said He would never leave us nor forsake us. (Paul quotes this in Hebrews 13:5, the Lord's words to Joshua in Joshua 1:5)   At the same point, I often let the enemy get the better of my logic and think that I will only achieve that intimacy by some process of discipline.   No, silly woman just turn around.  

The only "process" is the simplicity of choice in the moment.  He is always there, closer than the air I breathe...I merely have to acknowledge Him and intimacy begins.

Blessings of turning moments that bring forth His loving intimacy that both takes your breath away and puts His breath into your very bones, 
the Mrs.

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